Chapter Five
Derek
I turned away quickly after telling Frankie I would catch her later. I saw the light fade from her eyes when I said I couldn’t stay for lunch. It had been a week since I’d been at the house to fix the leak. King hadn’t said anything more, so I assumed it was holding.
Right about now, I regretted being damn good at my job.
I grabbed my lunch from Joellen and hurried back to my truck. I had to get away from my daughter and her mother. Kat had been the main feature in my wet dreams all fucking week.
Just as I yanked the door to my truck open, someone yelled across the parking lot.
“Hey, asshole!”
Turning toward the voice, her anger caught me off guard, and I looked around to see who had pissed her off. When she stomped up and stood in front of me, I realized with a sinking feeling that I was the asshole she yelled at.
“You got a problem with my kid?”
“What the fuck are you talking about?” I asked, slamming the door shut and leaning against it. I should have left it open and used it as a barrier. My hands itched to reach out and pull her against me. My lips were suddenly dry as I thought about the taste of hers.
“For whatever reason, my daughter likes you. You’re the first person other than me and Slyce she has relaxed around, and you blew her off like you couldn’t get away fast enough.”
I ran a hand through my hair and huffed out a breath. How the fuck was I supposed to explain why I was avoiding the two of them? Maybe the truth was the best option.
“Well, you see, Frankie is the daughter I walked away from when she was two because I didn’t think I was good enough to raise her.
But I’ve been going to therapy, and seeing her in person makes me want to snatch her up and take her home.
Only, I don’t have a fucking home because I live with the brother I never knew, who is married to my ex-wife.
And oh yeah, I beat the fuck out of her when I found out she was pregnant with his kid.
Add to that, I can’t stop thinking about my daughter’s mother and want nothing more than to crawl into her bed and never fucking leave. ”
Yeah, that ought to do it. That would be enough to scare Mother fucking Teresa away. I clenched my hands at my side, resisting the urge to grab hold of her and press her against the hood of my truck and devour her.
“Well?” she hissed. “You couldn’t spare twenty fucking minutes to have breakfast with her?”
This woman was fierce. She was tiny, maybe five foot four, but she’d stormed up to me ready to tear me a new asshole because I’d upset her daughter.
My daughter.
The way she fought for Frankie’s feelings only made her sexier. It made her fucking irresistible. But she wasn’t mine. Neither of them was.
“I knew you weren’t any different. You’re all fucking the same. Stay away from my daughter.”
She turned on her heel and marched back into the diner before I could say a word.
And I stood by my truck wondering what the fuck happened.
I stared through the window, watching her sit back in the booth.
She touched her daughter’s hand, and Frankie smiled at her mom.
A sad smile. A broken one that spoke of heartache.
I recognized the look on Frankie’s face, but it didn’t make any fucking sense. She’d only met me once. It wasn’t the same as when I thought about her. I knew who she was. Knew what I had given up. What I was missing.
To her, I was just a guy who fixed their sink. The guy who answered her questions, no matter how many she threw at him, just so I could listen to her voice. Just so I could keep her close to me for a few fleeting moments.
Now, I’d never get close to her again.
It was for the best. She wasn’t my daughter. We might have shared DNA, but I gave away any right to have her in my life. I walked away thinking she would be better off. Believing she would be safe.
“Dad went to jail for hurting us.”
Us, Frankie had said. Not me, not Mom. Us.
I wanted the fucker’s name but didn’t know how to get it. Sure, I could ask Nav, but that would lead to questions. Questions I didn’t want to answer.
But I knew one person who could find that information for me.
“No.”
I stared at Haizley. “What do you mean, no?”
She cocked her head to the side and raised her eyebrows, giving me a knowing look.
“I need to know what he did.”
“Why?”
“Why?” I asked, adding another octave to my voice. “He hurt my daughter!”
Haizley sat back with her eyes on me as I paced the room. She was quiet, too quiet, and I knew what she was doing. I’d been coming to see her long enough that I knew when she kept her mouth shut, she was waiting for me to work something out on my own.
“What?” I asked, impatient with my own lack of understanding.
“What did you say to me when you told me she was here and I asked what you were going to do?”
My hands scrubbed over my face as I thought about it. I knew what she wanted me to say, but this was different. Just because I couldn’t be her father didn’t mean I wouldn’t beat the ass of the man who hurt her.
“Fuck,” I cursed and fell back onto the couch.
“Derek?”
“I said there was nothing I could do because I signed away my rights,” I answered.
“That wasn’t why you cursed. Tell me what you just learned.”
I stared up at the ceiling. Therapy was bullshit, I decided. All it did was show you what you were doing wrong, which I got was the point, but I already knew what the fuck I did wrong. What I needed to know was how to make things fucking right. I needed to know how to not fucking do it again.
“Derek, you had a breakthrough. What was it?”
“She’s my daughter, Haizley.” My voice cracked with emotion.
I sat forward, my elbows on my knees, as I hung my head.
“I was supposed to protect her. I thought I was.” Haizley’s eyes filled with compassion when I looked up at her.
“I let her go so she would have a good life, a safe life, and he did something. He hurt her and her mother.”
“What do you want to do?” she asked, and I knew by the tone of her voice that she already knew the answer.
Haizley Walker was a damn good therapist. She knew what I wanted to do without me having to say it, but she would push me to say it out loud, and she didn’t do it with a condescending I told you so tone.
She made me do the work. Forced me to face my flaws in a way that made it seem like it was my idea to do the opposite of what I would normally lean toward.
“I want to beat his fucking ass.”
I pushed off the couch and walked to the window.
My hands gripped the frame as I looked down the street at the house my daughter lived in.
Haizley didn’t say a word. Every time I had what she called a breakthrough, she would stay quiet after I said it out loud and wait while I worked through shit in my head.
“Can I ask you a question?” I crossed my arms and leaned against the wall to face her.
“Of course,” she answered.
“How do you reconcile working with me, helping me control my temper and not lash out when you’re the old lady of the club’s sergeant at arms? Isn’t that his job? To beat the shit out of people?”
Haizley smiled. Of course she did, because she knew what I was asking. Why was it okay for the club to handle shit the way they did, but I couldn’t? Why the fuck couldn’t I beat the fucker who hurt my family within an inch of his life?
“Gunner’s job is not to beat the shit out of people, Derek.
It’s much more complex than that. Yes, he handles discipline, mostly with the club members.
But that is a last resort. For the most part, he maintains order, conflict resolution, security, etc.
Also, he doesn’t talk to me about club business, so who he does or doesn’t beat the shit out of is not my concern. ”
“But I am your concern?”
“Yes.”
“Why?” I asked.
“Because you came to me for help. You lost control and beat the shit out of someone you loved. Someone far weaker than you. Because your anger and lack of control came from a place of childhood trauma.” Haizley took a deep breath. “Your motives are honorable, but the man has paid his penance.”
“Has he? I don’t know if he has or not. Is he still in jail?
If not, how long did he serve? Was it enough for what he did?
Because I am telling you now, when Frankie told me he went to jail for hurting them, my mind went to a dark fucking place.
She said us, Haizley, not me. Not her mom.
US. He fucking hurt them both and I need to know what he did. ”
“Then ask them.”
“What?” I pushed off the wall.
“Ask Kat and Frankie what he did. They can both give you the answers you need.”
“I can’t,” I replied, turning back to the window. “Kat told me to stay away from her daughter.”
“What happened?”
I spun around and glared at her. “I didn’t fucking touch her.”
“Derek, please sit down.” I fell onto the couch, tired and angry. “I never once thought you hurt her. But something happened for Kat to ask you to stay away. Was it the day you worked on the house?”
“No. It was a few days ago. They were in the diner when I stopped to grab lunch. Frankie asked me to have breakfast with them, and I turned her down.”
“Why?”
“Because I can’t be near them. I can’t be in their lives.”
I closed my eyes and thought about the day I fixed the sink. Kat looked so sad sitting on that step, and when I touched her leg without thinking, something shot through my hand. Static electricity, maybe. Or a charge of something else.
Something deeper, more meaningful.
Kat was gorgeous. She was sexy and strong, and protective of Frankie in a way my mother never was. But there was more to her than being a mom. I wanted to see more of that. I wanted to get to know her as a person.
“If I’m in their lives, I have to tell them who I am.”
“And you’re afraid if they find out who you are, they won’t want you around.”
“I’m afraid that if they find out who I am, they’ll find out what I did. I don’t want my daughter to know what I did.”
I didn’t want Kat to know either. Didn’t want her to see the worst of me. There was no way to keep them from finding out, so the only option was to keep my distance.
“You still haven’t forgiven yourself.”
“I never will, Haizley. I can work with you until I’m dead, and there is no doubt you’ll teach me how to be a better person. But there is no excuse for what I did. No logical reason that can explain away or atone for it.”
“Let’s end here for today. We’ll talk about forgiveness next week.”
I nodded and stood. Haizley could talk about forgiveness until the cows came home, but there was no forgiveness for me. Jack and Sam said they forgave me, but how did you forgive what I’d done?
I couldn’t forgive my father; hell, I couldn’t forgive my mother, and I fucking loved that woman. She was my whole world, but she wouldn’t get help. Even after I became an adult, I offered every day to get her out, and she refused.
What I did to Sam had never happened before, and it never happened again. But it happened once, and once was enough for me to know that trusting me was a mistake.
Kat and Frankie were safer without me in their lives.