Chapter 10 #2
She could lie to him. Tell him that yes, she hated him, but he had climbed a tree, had entered her room, and for the first time was not before her to irritate her. He had just apologized! So Eveline considered that he deserved the truth, even though neither of them knew what to do with it.
‘I am afraid of my own desire. When you kiss me, I cannot see beyond what you stir in me,’ she told him, unable to look him in the eyes.
He came closer and lifted her chin with his fingers to oblige her to look at him.
‘How many men have you kissed, Eveline?’
‘What kind of question is that?’ she bristled.
‘One whose answer I need to know, because I want to know whether you have felt desire other times. It is important to me.’ He sighed. ‘I promise I will not judge you.’
‘One.’
‘Who was it?’ he continued the interrogation, while silently contending with his jealousy.
‘You. ’
‘What?’
‘I have kissed only you, Arden,’ she clarified. ‘What kind of woman do you think I am? Before I asked Mr.—’
‘Do not name him,’ he cut her off. Though in truth he was on the verge of leaping for joy. No one had kissed her but him! She had not pretended to be inexperienced when they shared their first kiss.
‘Well, no one besides you had kissed me before. I am not the kind of woman who offers her lips lightly.’ She thought for a moment, then added: ‘Though now that I think of it, both times the one who kissed me was you; I did nothing wrong. ’
‘It is true, you did nothing wrong. The responsibility is mine. ’
‘Are you not going to tell me that I encouraged you, that I should have pushed you away from me?’
‘Oh, for God’s sake, Eveline, how can you think that? The blame was mine alone, if there is any guilty party here.’
‘I was able to think it because at last night’s ball you did nothing but attack me, judge me, and condemn me as you always do.
Is it my fault for having thought you detested me, and for having come to London to cover the scandal by seeking another suitor only because I knew you did not wish to marry me?
And I did it even though I could not forget the kiss you gave me, nor that you ran off after you and my brother fought.
I believed he had forced you to marry me and that was why you had left!
So you have no right to reproach me for anything,’ she told him firmly.
The reflection made him close his eyes and lament. Arden did not move for a long instant. And Eveline understood, too late, that she had just handed him a weapon against herself.
‘Eveline…’
‘I should not have said that last part. No, I should not have told you the truth about anything. ’
‘Not at all. You should have said it the moment you saw me.’
She let out a nervous laugh.
‘And risk ending up at the stake after your judgment? No, I think not. In truth, I do not know the reason I have not told you that I hate you; that way I would surely have been rid of you in the blink of an eye. ’
‘Oh, Eveline, I do not think we can ever be rid of each other. There is too much between us to keep us apart. ’
‘That is not true. I have been very well in London during your absence,’ she told him, full of arrogance.
‘Liar… ’
Arden took a step towards the lady, and then stopped.
She knew he had forced himself to stop. That restraint, visible and painful, proved more seductive than any advance.
Eveline saw how he closed his hands at his sides, how he kept the distance a sensible lady would be grateful for, even though she did not feel sensible at all.
When she was in his presence, he irritated her, of course, but he made her feel alive.
Too awake and aware of the man before her.
‘I want to hold you,’ he acknowledged.
‘I have noticed.’
‘I need to kiss you.’
‘I suppose so. ’
‘Why do you suppose so? Have I shown myself so lascivious without realizing it? I admit that when I am near you, I can no longer restrain myself. ’
‘I imagine you need to kiss me because I—’
‘Finish the sentence, Eveline,’ he goaded her when she lost her nerve.
‘I want to kiss you too,’ she confessed to him.
Arden exhaled deeply.
‘I ought to leave,’ he noted without conviction.
‘Is that what you want?’
‘No.’
The answer was immediate. Frank and brutal.
‘Stay, then,’ she proposed.
‘Merciful God, woman, I have no discipline left to resist you. I have spent years of restraint where you are concerned. If you say such things to me, I… I did not come tonight to seduce you, I only—’
And Eveline saw it. A flash of vulnerability, and that was more dangerous than all his earlier kisses.
She advanced a step towards him. She had not realized the power she held over that man.
‘You have concealed it very well all these years. Either that, or you are telling me a lie now. ’
‘You should not be near me right now,’ he warned her.
She did not move.
‘Will you also compel me to repeat that I want you to kiss me at once, Nathaniel?’
‘I am lost…’ he whispered, but he closed his eyes and stayed very still. He did not feel master of himself. He needed to calm down.
‘Yesterday I fled because I was afraid of wanting more. More of you.’
‘And at this moment, are you not afraid?’
‘Very much so. ’
‘Good, because I am terrified,’ he acknowledged with his eyes tight shut.
‘Do you know what I am no longer afraid of?’
‘Of what?’
‘Of your judging me when I tell you the truth about what you make me feel, desire, and long for. ’
‘What do you dream of?’
‘You know it already, Nathaniel. ’
‘Tell me,’ he begged her.
Eveline came a little closer. They were very near, though he still kept his eyelids pressed shut.
The candlelight traced the severe line of his face, the nearly closed cut on his lip…
She could feel how he fought against himself, and that struggle moved her in a strange way.
It made her feel seductive. Arden could be arrogant, possessive, and exasperating, but he would not possess her against her will.
More than that, he would fight not to dishonor her, and she could no longer go on denying herself what she truly desired.
The lady raised her hand and caressed his cheek. He moaned at her touch.
‘I want to kiss you. I love your kisses, and with only two I have realized that there is much more between a man and a woman than I supposed,’ she whispered.
‘If you touch me like that,’ he said, ‘I am not going to be as noble as I should. And if you admit that you desire me with the same intensity as I do you, we shall end up in hell, Eveline. ’
‘You have always complained of my brazenness. ’
‘I know. ’
‘Well, I hope you will not faint or reproach me for anything when I tell you that I have imagined every night what it would be like to feel your lips on my neck…’
‘God…’ he murmured in anguish.
‘What it would be like for you to kiss me everywhere? Would it be as delicious as when you conquer my mouth? And your hands, Nathaniel? I remember perfectly the pressure at my waist, and I want to feel them travelling over my body. ’
‘Eveline… you will be the death of me. I beg you…’
‘Are you not scandalized by my confessions? Does the ever-so-correct Arden not run off because his best friend’s sister has such improper thoughts?’
‘God, no! I pray they never vanish. ’
She smiled.
‘Open your eyes,’ she asked. He obeyed her at once. What she saw in them made her sigh. He desired her, and it was impossible to hide the truth. ‘Are you going to kiss me at last, or shall I have to do it?’
‘Ask me one last time and use my name. Then I will do whatever you wish. I have always known it; you are my undoing, and I neither want to nor can resist any longer. ’
‘Kiss me, Nathaniel.’
He kissed her with a slowness that seemed a promise and a defeat at the same time.
There was no urgency. He framed her face with both hands and grazed her mouth carefully.
Eveline leaned towards him, relieved and lost at once.
Nathaniel’s name still trembled on her lips; calling him that had opened a door that could no longer be shut.
She had done it with all the intention in the world, of course.
The kiss grew deeper when his lady parted her mouth. He moaned beneath her lips. His hands closed at her waist.
‘I need you; I do not think I can stop if you do not stop me now, Eveline,’ Arden murmured against her lips.
‘I do not want you to stop. I know what I want. I want this.’
‘Thank God.’
‘I know,’ she agreed.
That trust destroyed him more effectively than passion.
He kissed her again, and this time Eveline answered with no shyness at all.
She learned quickly, or perhaps she had been waiting for him so long that her body recognized the way before her mind accepted it.
The room narrowed to the candlelight, the brush of hands, the faint sound of their breathing.
Arden led her towards the bed without ceasing to adore her with his kisses.
They sat at the edge of the mattress.
He caressed her hair tenderly. Eveline shivered.
‘Do you want me to stop?’
‘If you ask that again, I will give you a kick. ’
‘Earlier I told you I could not wait, but I can. ’
‘I cannot. ’
‘Thank God.’ And he was not going to give her another chance to draw back. She looked resolved, and he would trust her decision.
Arden lowered his head and kissed her shoulder over the cloth of her nightdress.
Then her neck. Then the corner of her mouth.
He did not want to hurry; he wished for them both to take pleasure.
Each caress seemed meant to teach her that desire need not resemble a fall, that it could also be a surrender between two.
Eveline, who had so many times imagined passion as something that swept all before it, was discovering that, joined to tenderness, it was far more pleasurable.
When at last they lay naked beneath the sheets, shame tried to reach her, but Arden did not allow it.