41. Mattea #2
“I had an abortion today.” I looked at Hakeem as he dropped his head like he was disappointed.
“If it was that nigga’s Ream baby, I wish you wouldn’t have told me man. You know that’s my family.” We made it to the pathway where bikers rode their bikes. I decided to pull my Prada boots off and go on the sand to make my way to the water.
“It was Ream’s, you know I gotta talk to you about this shit. It’s bothering me, Keem.” I took a seat on the sand, and he followed suit. I passed him the blunt and brought my knees up to my chest and rocked slowly.
“Ream made me search deep inside of myself before he went to jail. I didn’t know my purpose and to be honest, I still don’t.
A baby though Keem? That was too much for me, the shit got me feeling a little empty now.
I still feel as though I made the right and wrong decision.
” I clarified as I kept my eyes on the ocean.
I could feel Hakeem staring hard at me out of the corner of my eyes.
They misted over, I didn’t know why I was still feeling emotional.
“I don’t know what the fuck it is with me man.
Like I can’t place my feelings where the fuck they need to be, and that shit angers me.
All my life, since becoming an adult, I made set rules for myself for my own protection.
” I quickly wiped the tears that fell down my cheeks away and sniffled a little.
“Then here comes Ream, making me feel things I never felt. He took a piece of me I will never get back and I don’t want it back.
I don’t even see myself allowing another man inside of me either.
Haven’t seen Ream since he got arrested and don’t plan on seeing him.
I can’t be around him after aborting a baby that we shared together.
That shit doesn’t mean I don’t miss his ass though.
” I shook my head and disbelief, wiping more tears away.
“Ream shook my whole life up. Gave me a feeling I want to continue chasing but I know it won’t end well.
You see, that’s how things always go for me.
” Hakeem passed me the blunt and I took it and hit it hard, inhaling all the smoke, I looked up at the sky.
When I was a kid, I would look up at the sky and wonder if my mom was up there in heaven looking down at me.
Now that I was an adult with sense, I also wondered if she was in hell.
“You not gone want to hear this, but I got to keep shit a hundred with you. Ream deserves to know that you were pregnant. It was foul to abort that nigga baby and not tell him. You can give that high-powered speech and talk shit saying how it’s your body.
To keep it real you got a point but the both of you were careless as fuck to be out here fucking raw with no protection especially if you knew you ain’t want a baby.
” I nodded my head at what he was saying because he was absolutely right.
I had the balls to speak my mind about everything there was that bothered me and say shit how I felt.
I didn’t have the balls to tell Ream what I had done today.
“Why can’t I just move on from today like it didn’t happen, without Ream knowing Keem?”
“Because you too real of a female to go out like that. I don’t know why you be so hard on yo fuckin’ self-man. You beautiful as fuck, you need to stop feeling like you don’t deserve to be treated like the queen you are.” He put his arms around me, and I leaned on his shoulder.
“I’m fucked up though Keem. Ain’t shit normal about me, you even know that.” I sighed as he chuckled.
“You damn right, I know. Nothing normal about that nigga Ream either, though. Nigga really like your mean crazy ass.” I looked up at his bright smile.
“I like him too, it’s just bad timing for the both of us. I don’t even know who I am or what I want to acquire for myself just yet. I don’t even have a purpose just yet.” I reasoned.
“You just scared of love my nigga.” I sat up and pulled a cigarette out of my purse and lit it.
“You want to be this strong ass female that carries herself alone and don’t want to feel weak or submit to a man.
Being that way gone have you lonely as fuck.
Now, I’m not saying to go fall in love and start a relationship with that nigga Ream.
It just don’t hurt to try some new shit out of your comfort zone.
Nobody gone judge you for having feelings are being attracted to the opposite sex.
You got to get out of your own brain and live a little, shit, life short as fuck. ”
“My dad said the same shit a while back. I don’t know man, I’ll give it some more thought.
For now, I want to explore myself a little more.
I wanted to talk to you about getting me in a good-ass studio.
I want to freestyle sing some shit that’s been on my mind for the past couple of months.
” I changed the subject. Since the thought crossed my mind earlier about singing, it wouldn’t fade away.
I didn’t want to be some big-ass celebrity, I just wanted to actually get myself recorded and let my mixtape be local.
Maybe I could really touch other people’s souls and they could vibe to the shit I was going through.
“That’s dope as fuck! I got a couple of spots I can take you too to record some shit. I’m only doing it because I always felt like you could really blow.” We both smiled at each other.
“That nigga Ream just opened up a big ass record label in a three-story building. He got the hottest producers in L.A and top-of-the-line equipment. He plans on signing a couple of artists too.” He slyly smiled at me as I shook my head no, I already know where he was trying to take this conversation to.
“I’m not tryna sign to no record label, I will be independent.
Plus, I don’t want any handouts from him either.
Just take me to another nice studio to record, I should be ready in a couple of weeks to go once I heal properly.
” I was already lightly bleeding and had mild cramps.
My doctor had let me know that they would intensify by tonight or tomorrow.
“Who would have ever thought, big and bad Reaper would be ducking and dodging a nigga.” He tittered as I flicked my cigarette towards the water.
“Call it what you want nigga, just don’t label me as a scary ass bitch. I still pack that heat and bust big guns.” We both shared a laugh as I stood up. I had a strong urge to put my feet in the water. I start making my way there and Hakeem yelled not to go in the water and get wet.