41. Mattea
Chapter Forty-One
MATTEA
Ten weeks later…
I left the abortion clinic in pain; Kayori was right by my side assisting me physically and emotionally.
I got inside the car and let my head hit the headrest, I needed a pick-me-up bad.
I wanted to cry but I refused to, I made the right decision.
I didn’t want any kids, or so I thought, and tried to convince myself.
I didn’t want to chance a kid of mine coming out with mental issues.
To me, it wasn’t fair, things were also moving way to fast between Ream and I.
I felt the feelings and concern being there when it came to him but got confused thinking the only reason, I couldn’t get him off my mind was because of him taking my virginity.
“Have you talked to the man?” Kayori asked as she started the car and turned on the air conditioner.
I moved back in with her and my father temporarily until my new house was ready for me to move into.
I had found a cozy three-bedroom house and couldn’t wait to move and be back on my own.
After having that talk with Ream and seeing the police take him in, it made me re-think a lot of shit.
Being in such organizations always led to betrayal, death, or prison time.
I didn’t want to deal with any of that shit, so I tried to keep picking my brain on what it was I loved to do.
Clearing being a high paid assassin was out of question now.
Seeing Ream slapped with cuffs was a rude awakening that even the toughest and slickest in this type of business could be touched.
“No, it’s my body, not his decision.” I spat trying to control my temper with her.
She was trying to be the sweet mother figure that she had always been to me.
It wasn’t her fault that I was in such a bad mood.
I appreciated everything Kayori did for me, it wasn’t because she was married to my dad.
I remember since being a little girl, she always took her time with me and showed me love and the same amount of affection she did with my other siblings.
“You know, Mattea, I always keep things real with all of y’all.
I understand your reasoning, but I think you are wrong with how you’re going about things.
I will let it be though, you kids have to figure out a better way to live your lives and not run from your problems.” She turned the radio up and we drove home in silence.
I softly hummed as a random, yet exciting thought crossed my mind.
I was happy I thought about something else other then what Kayori had just mentioned.
I didn’t like when she and my father said I was always running away from something like I was a coward.
I felt like I was making the right decision when it came to aborting my baby for not just me but Ream too.
“I want to sing and record a mixtape,” I mumbled to myself. Growing up, I used to sing my heart out in the shower to release all of my frustrations.
“You can sing Tea, I would love that for you.” Kayori smiled, taking her eyes off the road to look at me briefly. “I know you like to stay occupied and keep your mind going, so writing and singing will be the best thing for you to try out. I know you will do and be good at it.”
Nodding my head, I sent Hakeem a text message, if anybody could help me get inside a nice studio would be Keem.
I needed to write some music out and express my feelings.
I could do it as anonymous. I didn’t want the spotlight that came with it but maybe, I could touch the souls of other people with some relatable shit.
Soon as we pulled up to my house, I pulled Kayori in for a tight hug thanking her for everything.
I made my way to my room and flopped down on the bed then called Hakeem.
“What you want Mattea?” I smiled because now he was being funny.
“Where you at? I want to hang out, I need to get my mind off some shit and talk to you.” I looked at my nails and made a mental note to ask Kachella and Kayori if they wanted to have a girl’s day out tomorrow. My feet and nails were in desperate need to be done, the sight of them was cringeworthy.
“I guess I can change my plans. I had a little broad on the way but shit it’s rare that you call me on some bored shit.
” I perked up, happy to get the hell out of the house.
I had been laying low and sick the majority of the time of my pregnancy.
I thought about reaching out to Ream, I thought about him and our last conversation a lot.
I still couldn’t get over the fact that he knocked me up when we didn’t have sex that many times.
I carried a life inside of me for three months, then got rid of it.
This would be another skeleton in my closet I will never forget or get over.
I was confused with my decision-making, the whole time I laid on that table going through the process, I felt that fear that Ream was talking about.
I feared seeing the life I had inside of me taken out of me.
I feared how I would feel afterward and if it would have any effects on my body and mind.
When the reality settled inside of me, I told those doctors to stop the procedure, but it had been too late.
My baby had already been suctioned out. I needed to keep busy and forgive myself for what I had done because deep down it pained me.
I tried to imagine myself with a kid and a baby daddy like Ream.
I even wondered what type of father he would have been.
I opted out on telling Hakeem what I did over the phone, I wanted to see his facial expression.
Touching my stomach, I felt empty inside.
When I was pregnant, I felt full like I could tell the difference.
When I caught myself looking in the mirror while being pregnant and touching my stomach.
I sped the process up on making an appointment because I didn’t want to bond with the baby that was inside of me.
That would complicate and make things harder for me to go through with getting rid of it.
What I did know about pregnancy was it was hell.
I lost thirty pounds from not being able to eat properly without throwing the shit right back up.
I would lay in bed all day sick as a dog, it felt like I was hiding from the world while trying to pick my brain on who I truly was.
When I looked in the mirror, I saw a beautiful dark skin tall woman with gray eyes, yet I didn’t know my purpose in life.
I wanted to find that purpose so bad and embrace it.
I knew I shouldn’t have been trying to get out of the house on the same day as my abortion.
I would be bleeding heavy soon and the hard cramps of my period coming on would also fall through.
I just couldn’t be concealed behind these four walls of my room.
I also didn’t want to deal with Kayori and my dad bothering me asking me questions to see where my head was.
“You must be over there thinking,” Hakeem chuckled.
“Be ready in the next hour.” He hung up in my face as I laid my head back down, I felt the tears running down the sides of my face and into my ears.
Ream’s face popped up in my head and I found myself wondering what or who he was doing.
I needed to get a grip over myself, I had no plans of reconnecting with Ream.
Unless it was truly meant to be, and the universe aligned us in the future.
After taking a thirty-minute shower, I wrapped my towel tight around me and got some Eco gel and slicked all my wild untamed wavy hair into a high ponytail.
I did my baby hairs and sprayed some leave-in conditioner spray to tighten up my curls.
I decided on wearing some big bamboo earrings along with my Cuban link chain and bracelet.
Since I had lost so much weight, I picked out a pair of low-waist jeans that now fit baggy but was perfect for the look I was trying to achieve.
I looked through my closet for five minutes to decide which shirt, I wanted to wear with my jeans.
“Tea! Hakeem is outside baby girl.” My dad yelled on the other side of my door.
“Okay, just a minute.” I snatched an all-black cropped Prada shirt and matched it with my all-black Monolith combat Prada boots.
When I got done dressing, I went to the mirror and loved what I saw.
I looked sexy as hell. I got everything I needed and loaded it inside my Prada shoulder bag and walked out of my room.
Stopping at the guest bathroom, I opened the medicine cabinet and took the pill bottle of pain pills and placed them into my purse.
I already had taken two but brought them just in case.
The doctor had explained that I would feel intense cramps, so I wanted to be prepared.
After telling my dad goodbye, I made my way outside and walked right up to Hakeem’s car.
“What’s up nigga.” Hakeem beamed as I buckled my seat belt and took the blunt that he had passed me.
“Let’s get some drink and go to the Santa Monica pier, I need to free my mind.
” I rested my head on the headrest and closed my eyes.
I should have been resting I thought again, I just didn’t want to be trapped with crazy thoughts.
I needed to express it rather than keep it bottled in.
Hakeem was the one person I knew I could talk to and feel good about it afterward.
“You know I ain’t the drinking type, but I got some loud pack on me we can blow down.
” I nodded my head as he pulled away from my house.
Hakeem knew that anytime something was weighing heavy on my mind the beach was the only place I liked to go hang out at.
It took us about thirty-five minutes to make it there and when we did, I felt a calm come over me.
I watched the water as we started to walk and smoke.