Chapter 12
Kincaid
“I’m way too full,” Julia said, leaning back in her seat.
I grinned, shaking my head. We were at a nice restaurant, one that served various Mediterranean dishes, and I had eaten probably twice as much as Julia, and I was just as stuffed.
But Julia pressing out her little belly, acting as if she could roll away just made me laugh.
Ronin snorted and took a sip of his club soda before reaching out with his fork to take the last piece of beef off her plate.
“Yummy,” he mumbled.
“I was saving that.” Julia groaned and closed her eyes. “Okay, I lied. I can’t eat any more.”
I laughed, pushing my plate away. “I’m full, too. I was going to get dessert, but I think that’s better left for home.”
Ronin met my gaze, his eyes going dark. I laughed.
“I meant actual dessert. But that, too.”
Julia laughed, rubbed her stomach, and then leaned forward, elbows on the table. “This is nice. I’m glad the three of us are out on a date that has nothing to do with me cooking.”
“You know I can always do the cooking,” I said.
“Yes, if I want grilled cheese, then I will totally come to you,” Julia said dryly.
“Ouch,” I said with a laugh. “Just hit me, why don’t you.”
“I would, but I’m too full to move.”
“And we all know that I’m only good on the grill.” Ronin shook his head. “But Julia’s right. I’m glad the three of us are out. It’s a good date,” he added. “Come on, let’s head home.” Ronin met both Julia’s gaze and mine.
It wasn’t lost on me that he’d said “home,” a house I didn’t live in.
I just smiled and tried not to let my thoughts show.
Because I didn’t know what I was thinking to begin with.
This wasn’t what I had come for. I had wanted to see Ronin, to apologize.
And, honestly, just to see him. Never in my wildest dreams had I thought he’d take me back. Let alone with his wife.
And if I let myself truly believe in anything, I knew I felt something more than just attraction for Ronin and the woman he loved.
The woman that I could love.
I wouldn’t let myself think too hard on that, though. Because if I did, I’d make a mistake.
I’d made too many mistakes already, and I refused to make more. I did not want to hurt Ronin again, and I wouldn’t hurt Julia.
She was a bright light, Ronin’s center, and was quickly becoming mine.
It was hard to think about a future when I had spent so many years wallowing in the past. I was better, at least I told myself that I was. But it wasn’t easy to remember who I needed to be. And most of the time, I didn’t feel like I was that man at all.
We made our way out of the restaurant, and I got into the driver’s seat, Ronin helping Julia into the back seat. They kissed softly before she slid in and put her hands on my shoulders as I started the car.
“You know I’m always happy to drive,” she whispered, kissing my cheek.
I looked over at her and raised a brow that I wasn’t sure she could see. “My car, I drive.”
She let out a puff of air. “Men.”
“Sorry, you’ve got two of us now. You’re going to have to deal with it.”
Julia grinned behind me, at least from what I could see in the rearview mirror, and I let the comment slide over me.
Did she have two men? We had slipped into these roles as they were meant for us, and yet I wasn’t sure how I’d gotten here.
I needed to roll with the punches and not overthink things, but that wasn’t who I was.
And from the way Ronin was staring at me, I knew that wasn’t who he was either.
I drove us back to their place—not home, I reminded myself—and pulled into the driveway as we talked about going over to Ethan, Holland, and Lincoln’s house for dinner the next week.
“Do you think you can make it?” Julia asked.
“I don’t know. What’s the date again?”
She rattled off the date as we began the walk inside, and I froze, nearly tripping over my feet.
“Fuck,” I mumbled.
They looked at me.
“What?” Ronin asked, his voice careful.
“What time is it?” I asked, looking down at the clock.
“Okay, it’s still early enough on the West Coast.” I looked up at them and shook my head.
“Today’s my mom’s birthday. I completely forgot.
” I had been so far in my own head, I had forgotten my own mother’s birthday.
I wasn’t sure she wanted to hear from me, she never really did, but I had to try.
Julia frowned. “Oh, no. Okay, I’m going to add it to my calendar so we know for the future.”
I ignored the little pang I felt, wondering where that had come from, and shook my head. “I’m going to call her. You mind if I stand out here on the porch?”
“No, you should come in. We’ll give you privacy. Come on in,” Julia repeated, tugging me inside.
I let her move me, aware that Ronin was studying my face, worry etched there. But I had to ignore it.
I pulled up my mother’s contact information and hit call, hoping to hell she answered. It was actually my dad who answered, my mom not bothering to pick up. Not that I knew that for sure, but she’d done it in the past, and I wouldn’t blame her for keeping to type.
“You didn’t need to call,” my dad said, his voice gruff.
I swallowed hard, aware that Ronin and Julia were leaving me alone so I could do this in private. They knew I had problems with my family, that my parents blamed me for my sister’s death. But hell, I blamed myself just as much as they did. Still, my parents were venomous about it.
And there was nothing I could do, except keep trying. And yet, hadn’t I been the one to help Julia stop trying with her parents? I didn’t like those parallels, so I pushed them from my mind. They weren’t exactly the same. And not enough time had passed.
“I just wanted to wish Mom a happy birthday.”
“You almost missed it, so it’s clearly not a big deal.”
“Either I missed it, and you care. Or I missed it, and you were glad that I didn’t call,” I blurted out, and then could’ve rightly kicked myself.
“Don’t take that tone with me. Your mother doesn’t want to talk to you. And you know why. She should be here,” my father said, and I knew he wasn’t talking about my mom.
“I know,” I whispered, my voice low.
“Stop calling. She doesn’t want to talk to you. And frankly, neither do I.” He hung up then, leaving me staring at the phone, wondering why I even tried.
My throat burned, and I knew I didn’t want a drink, but I needed to talk to somebody. I looked up at Ronin and clenched my teeth. “I thought you were going to give me space.”
“I tried, but your voice carries.”
“I’m sorry,” Julia whispered from behind him.
I let out a snort. “It’s not important. But I’ve got to go.”
“Kincaid, we can talk about this.”
I shook my head. “No, I made a mistake. I’m not ready for this.”
Julia looked as if I had slapped her, but Ronin just raised his chin. “You mean this conversation? Or this relationship?”
I let out a laugh that held no humor. “Everything. I wasn’t ready. And if I stay, I’ll just hurt you guys. I’ll ruin you like I ruin everything else. I need to go to a meeting. Do you understand that? I’m an alcoholic. And I don’t need a drink, but I do need to talk to someone.”
“Okay,” Julia put in, raising her hand and extending it as if to touch me. “You can do that. We’ll drive you.”
“No, I’m fine.”
“You’re not fine,” Ronin bit out. “You can talk to us, too, you know?”
“I can’t. Just let me go.”
Julia moved forward. “Call us when you get out of your meeting.”
I looked at her and shook my head. “I shouldn’t. I can’t. This was nice, but if I stay, I’ll only break things more. And I don’t want you two to end up getting hurt because I can’t handle shit. Thank you for everything, but I need to go.”
“Kincaid,” she whispered.
“No,” Ronin put in, his voice brittle. “Let him go. He needs to go to a meeting. And he can.”
“But, Ronin…” she began.
“No, just let him go. I get that he needs to get some help and I’d never, ever keep him from that, but he’s running, too. Holding Kincaid back is futile. Isn’t it?” Ronin asked, that same pain I had seen years ago etched onto his features now.
I only nodded before I turned and walked away, knowing I was probably making the worst mistake of my life, but doing the only thing I could—saving the people I knew I loved, and facing the mortality I tried not to look directly in the face.