55/Danielle
I finally got myself together enough to go over to my parents’ house.
Portia and the baby came home, and for the next couple of hours I forgot all about what the doctor said and enjoyed the most important people in the world to me.
It was a wonderful evening. I felt good until Portia went up to rest and took the baby with her.
It was then that it hit me. I might not be around long enough to watch her grow up.
Renee and Kayla sat on the couch and held my hands while I broke the news to my parents. My mom broke down and started crying, and my father tried his hardest to hold himself together. I had the two of them promise not to tell Portia. I wanted to wait and tell her when I thought she was ready.
I don’t remember saying good-bye or Renee driving back to my house. All I could think about was what the doctor had told me.
You tested positive for HIV.
Kayla carried in a cup of hot tea that she promised would make me feel better. I laughed when she said that.
Yeah, right. Is it going to take my HIV status away?
But I took it anyway and sipped while I was thinking.
Renee walked back into the room to tell me Nadine was on her way over.
I sat up straight on the couch. “"I've got to notify all my partners."
Renee scowled as she took a seat beside me. “There is plenty of time for that later.”
I shook my head. “No, I’ve got to tell Ron, Chance, and Calvin.”
“Shit, for all we know one of them mothafuckas is how you contracted the shit.”
“It doesn’t matter. I still have to tell them.” I put the mug down. “Kayla, hand me my phone.”
She gave me a skeptical look. “Danny, can’t you wait a couple of days?”
“No! They could be out there infecting somebody else right now." I could never live with myself if that happened. I have to tell them I’m infected and there’s a chance that they might have it, too!”
She nodded and handed me the cordless phone.
I just wanted to get this ordeal over. I called Calvin and got his voice mail.
I spoke to Nita and told her how vital it was I spoke to Ron.
She said she would give him the message, but I know I’ll have to track him down myself. Chance was the only one who answered.
“I knew you would come to your senses. Baby girl, I’ll be right over.”
I hung up the phone and finished my tea.
Kayla squeezed my hand. “Etienne is beautiful.”
I was proud. “She is, isn’t she?”
“And with all of these godmothers she’s going to be spoiled rotten!” Renee added with a laugh.
The three of us talked until Nadine arrived and they let me break the news to her in private. She and I cried together. I guess I must be getting used to the idea, because I didn’t cry as much, or maybe I’m just all cried out for the day.
The doorbell rang and I knew it was Chance. Nadine went in the kitchen with the others so I could break the news to him in private. I took a deep breath, then moved over to the door and opened it.
“Whassup, baby girl?” He flashed that sexy grin, then pulled me into a bear hug. It felt so good to be held by him. Maybe, just maybe, since he loved me so much, he'd stand by me and help me get through this.
Feeling hopeful, I took his hand and had him follow me over to the couch where we took a seat.
“Okay, hold up… Let me talk first.” Chance got down on his knee in front of me and took my hand.
“Chance, please—”
He cut me off. “No, baby girl, let yo man speak.” He took a deep breath.
“I know I’ve been acting a fool and not being honest with you about my life, and I’m sorry.
I’m really sorry. I promise to do better.
I know I be acting jealous and shit, but that’s because I can’t imagine sharing what I have with you.
What I’m trying to say is if you give me a second chance, I promise to be a better man.
Hell, I’ll even take counseling. All I ask is that we do this together as man and wife,” he pleaded.
Tears flooded my eyes because I knew that wasn’t easy for him to do. “Chance, please, get up and have a seat.” He looked confused as he moved beside me. “I need to tell you something.”
He really looked at me for the first time since he entered my house. I’m sure my eyes were red and swollen shut. “What, baby girl? You’re scaring me.”
I took his hands in mine and dropped my head. “Chance, I got a call from the doctor yesterday.”
“Yeah?”
I exhaled deeply. Don’t cry, just breathe. “I’m HIV positive.”
He sat still for so long, I thought maybe he stopped breathing. Tears started streaming down his face. Oh my God. He really does love me. Tears flooded my eyes and I wiped them away.
“Baby, say something.”
Then his face changed. I’ve seen that rage and anger before. I knew what was coming next, but I was too stunned to move.
“You stupid bitch!” He drew back and punched me in the head, and I fell onto the floor.
“How the hell you gonna put my life at risk like that? I need this dick to make my money, and now you’re taking that shit away!
” He started kicking me in the stomach and head, and I screamed and rolled up in a fetal position.
I couldn't fight back. Truth be told, I didn't want to.
A part of me believed I deserved every bit of it.
He kicked me again and would have kept on if the girls hadn’t come running into the room screaming. I heard a thump and he fell onto the floor. I looked up and Renee was holding my iron skillet.
“You stupid mothafucka!” she screamed and kept on hitting him until Kayla and Nadine pulled her away. “Don’t nobody fuck with my sistahs!” Renee lowered onto the couch and flung that skillet, and it hit him once more over the head.
“I’m calling the police!” Nadine ran over and grabbed the receiver.
Kayla rushed to my side. “You okay?”
My eye was swollen. I touched my mouth and wiped blood away and started shaking my head.
I’ll never be okay again.
* * *
The police came and took our statements. Since I had a restraining order on Chance, I didn’t mention that I’d asked him over. He was just starting to regain consciousness when they took him away.
Kayla, Nadine, and Renee stuck around for another few hours before I was finally able to get rid of them. They were good friends, but I wanted to be alone so I could think.
I had to let Ron know my results. Even though he had dogged me out that night, it was the least I could do, especially after everything I put him through with Portia.
I called his mother and left another message for him to call me.
She must have heard the despair in my voice because she finally promised to go get him for me.
While I waited, I took in the bruises on my face.
I deserved every single one. They weren’t enough for all the one-night stands I’d had.
Standing in front of the mirror, I felt different.
On the outside, I was the same person—minus the bruises and black eye—but on the inside, I was numb.
Mostly, it was the way I now felt about myself. Right now, all I felt was emptiness.
It was after five when my cell phone rang. I ran over and noticed the number had been blocked.
“Whassup? You called?”
It was Ron.
Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit.
“Ron... I’m HIV positive.”
Silence.
Dead silence.
“Ron, did you hear what I said?”
It sounded like he was smoking a cigarette.
“Yeah, I heard.”
“You heard?” How could he possibly be so calm? Unless...
Oh dear, God.
“Did you get the notes I left you? You know... be careful of the company you keep?”
I could barely speak. “Yes.”
“Welcome to AIDS, bi-aaatch!”
He shrieked with laughter before the line went dead.
I dropped the phone. My knees gave out and I sank onto the floor, too stunned for words.
I must have sat there for hours before the tears started again, and they didn’t stop until the sun rose the next morning.
By then I ran out of tears, which was a good thing because I was so tired.
I went to sleep and kept on sleeping. I heard knocks at the door and I ignored them.
I was living on a tropical island with my daughter and Etienne and we were so happy.
I was HIV free.
Someone was in my house. I could hear them but I ignored all the voices—Renee, Kayla, Mama—and just kept on sleeping.
The only thing that finally got me up was that I had to pee, bad.
I rose and felt every bruise on my body as I carried myself to the bathroom to relieve myself.
I didn’t dare look in the mirror. Instead, I washed my face and brushed my teeth, then moved back to my room. There was a knock at my door.
I wished they would all just go and leave me alone.
“Hey, you.”
I turned my head to look at Calvin standing in the doorway.
“Hi.”
He walked into the room. “My God! What happened to you?” He rushed to my side and helped me back down onto the bed. “Look at me, Danielle. What’s going on? I had to work a double yesterday. As soon as I got your message I rushed over.”
I stared up into his handsome face and prayed that I hadn’t infected this wonderful man. Please, Lord. Not Calvin. The tears started again. I didn’t know I had any left.
“Baby, please tell me what’s wrong,” he pleaded.
I took his hands in mine and prayed that the girls got upstairs in time to save me from another ass beating.
Then again, maybe I deserved to die.
“Calvin... I’m so sorry. I... I’m HIV positive.”
His eyes grew wide. “What?”
My bottom lip quivered.
“I’m so sorry. I just found out and wanted to tell you right away so you could get tested.”
He raked a hand across his face, rose, and moved to the window.
“You have every right to hate me. I’ve put you through more than any man should have to go through. And I’m sorry. I truly am sorry. Go ahead and hate me.”
He swung around so fast, I jumped. “Would you be quiet!” He returned to his seat. “How could I ever hate you? I love you, Danielle. I’ve been in love with you since the beginning. You being HIV positive is not going to change that.” He paused to take a deep breath.
“But I put you at risk.”
“When we first started dating, did you know you were HIV positive?”
I wiped my cheek and shook my head. “No.”
“Then you didn’t put my life at risk. I did that myself, and if I’ve been infected then that is something I will have to deal with. The only thing that matters right now is how you are feeling.”
I started crying hard again. I didn’t deserve him.
“Danielle, I love you. I want to be your husband in sickness and in health. If you’ll have me.”
I started shaking my head. “I couldn’t do that to you.”
“The only thing you can do is break my heart by saying no.” He dropped down on his knees, reached into his pocket, and pulled out a small black box and opened it. My eyes were blurry from tears so I couldn’t see anything but sparkle.
“Danielle Brooks, will you marry me? Together we can conquer anything.”
My vision blurred with fresh tears.
I looked toward the doorway and saw my family standing there. Renee. Kayla. Nadine. Portia. Mama.
Every one of them smiling through tears.
When I looked back at Calvin, he was still on one knee, waiting for my answer.
I thought about everything that had happened over the past year. Ron. Chance. Portia. The mistakes I'd made. The bridges I'd burned. And now HIV.
Lord knows I hadn't made things easy on the people who loved me.
Yet here was Calvin.
Still here.
Not because he had to be. Because he wanted to be.
A tear slipped down his cheek.
Mine followed right behind it.
For so long I'd chased men who brought chaos into my life. Men who made me question myself, my worth, and my happiness.
Calvin had never done that. He had simply loved me.
Even now.
Especially now.
And maybe that was what real love looked like.
Not drama.
Not heartache.
Not wondering whether someone would stay.
Just knowing.
“I love you,” I whispered.
His eyes closed briefly.
“Yes, Calvin. I’ll marry you.”
The smile that spread across his face was worth every tear I’d cried.
He pulled me into his arms, and I held on tight.
My family erupted into cheers and applause around us, but for a moment all I could hear was the steady beat of his heart beneath my ear.
I didn’t know what tomorrow would bring.
I didn’t know what living with HIV would look like.
But for the first time since my diagnosis, I wasn’t afraid.
Because I wasn’t facing it alone.