Chapter 16
Rue
My thoughts stutter like a record scratch. “Keeping me?”
Carnage shakes his head. “Fuck. I’m screwing this up already. I sound like a kidnapper, don’t I?”
“Kind of, yeah.”
“I’ve never asked for this. I don’t know how to.”
“Asked for what, Carnage?”
He searches my eyes as he raises his hands to cup my face. “Asked someone to stay. I’ve never wanted it before, but I can’t imagine letting you walk out of my life and never seeing you again.”
“Oh.” I puzzle over his confusing words. “You want to date me?”
“Date?” He scoffs, shaking his head. “No. I mean, I guess? Is that what it’s called? I’ve never done romance before, but dating sounds too casual. Too temporary. I want you to stay. Call it whatever you want.”
“Stay here? Like, just move in? I barely know you. It’s all new and exciting right now, but that wears off.”
His brow creases. “You don’t like me that much?”
“Of course I like you.”
“Oh. You’re scared of me.” Carnage nods. “I understand.”
“I am not scared of you.” I hold both his hands in mine. “It sounds like a fairy tale and I don’t get to have those. I don’t get a knight to sweep me off into the sunset and take care of me. That’s not real life. I’m not scared of you, but I am scared of wanting this and then losing it.”
Carnage nods, exhaling slowly. “Because of my job?”
“No. Because of…” I shrug, frustrated with trying to find the right words.
“All I’ve ever done is lose people I care about and make really bad decisions.
That’s my legacy so far. If I let myself want this and then you get tired of me or we don’t have enough in common to keep things going…
” I exhale, trying to keep the emotions at bay.
“It might break an already cracked heart.”
“What’s your plan, then? Never try? Never let yourself hope? Be alone the rest of your life or close yourself off? ’Cause I can tell you what that’s like, and if you think a broken heart hurts, you’ve never experienced an empty one.”
I don’t know what to say to that. I don’t know how to admit that I want to stay so badly I can taste it and I want him to keep me, but how do I fit into his world? How do I build a life for myself? How do I let myself trust my heart?
“You haven’t been in a long-term relationship before, right?” I ask.
Carnage shakes his head. “No. I never wanted one until now.” He adjusts so our knees are touching as we sit up.
“I might suck at this, but I’ll try. I’ll do my best to make you happy.
I don’t know a damn thing about romantic love, but I know a lot about loyalty and protection.
I know enough about myself to know that this is different for me.
You’re not just some guy I’m fucking. You mean something to me. ”
My chest is tight with the emotions I’m holding back. I want to want this.
“What would you do right now, how would you feel, if you didn’t have to think about your past? If you could just live in this moment with me, what would you say?”
I sit with that question for a few silent moments, and as I look at the handsome man before me, my eyes well with tears. I know the answer, I just have to be brave enough to say it out loud.
“I’d say… um…” I take a deep breath then exhale slowly, pushing through the insecurity. “I’d say I want to stay. I want you to keep me. I want… I want you.”
A slow smile pulls at his lips. “I can work with that.”
“Okay.” I feel a little giddy, a little hopeful for once. Have I finally made a good decision, or am I gonna regret this one too?
“You can keep the other room for now,” Carnage says, his tone softer than normal. “I’d love it if you slept here with me, but you need your space too, I think. That’s the right approach, right?”
I can’t fight back the smile. “You’re unreal.”
“What? Was that wrong?”
“No, it’s nice. It’s thoughtful. Thank you.”
“And whatever you want to do, I’ll support you. If you want to get a job or go to school or just hang out here all day. Whatever you want, it’s yours.”
“Oh, um… I’ll think about that.”
“I’ll find Leon, and when I do I’m gonna tear him apart, and just before he dies I’m gonna thank him for being a piece of shit because he led you to me.”
“That’s so weirdly romantic.”
“That’s me. Weirdly romantic. If you like traditional romance, I’ll probably suck at that.”
“I want you to be you. We’ll figure out how to be us.” I squeeze his hand. “Are we really doing this?”
Carnage nods. “We sure are, precious.”
He leans in and kisses me and all my nerves and chaotic start to thoughts settle. I can have something good in my life. I can be loved. I’m worth that, I think.
We fall back on the bed and cuddle together. Carnage strokes my hair while I let my fingers dance across his chest.
“Tell me something I don’t know yet. A secret or a wish.”
Carnage chuckles. “Hmm. Let’s see.”
We lie quietly for a couple of minutes and then Carnage shifts slightly. “When I was a kid, I wanted to be an astronaut. I know that sounds dumb—like, a lot of kids say that—but I meant it. I read space books and watched everything about space and NASA and rockets. I was obsessed.”
“Space is cool. I get it.”
“Yeah, it is cool. I did a science project about planets and I won first place in the science showcase. I was in fifth grade.”
“I can’t imagine you as a little kid.”
He laughs again. “I was different. Kind of a nerd. I read books and videos about things I liked. Then in middle school things changed at home.”
I play with the bit of chest hair he has, realizing he’s opening up to me.
“My mom was a nurse and she worked her ass off. She was always picking up extra shifts to make enough money for us. My dad was in and out of our lives. He had drinking problems and he would just disappear for days, sometimes weeks, then he’d just show up again like nothing happened.
He was always begging her to let him come back and she always said yes. She wanted us to be a family.”
I kiss his side to let him know I’m listening.
“I was in seventh grade when it happened.”
His body tenses.
“When I think about it, it feels like it was recent. Here I was, this happy little kid sitting in social studies and the principal came in and asked for me. He walked me to the office and there was a police officer there and another lady. They told me that my dad had killed my mother.”
I gasp. “Oh, no.”
“And then shot himself.”
His voice is distant, detached from the pain it must’ve caused him.
“They took me to a home with other kids while they tried to find my family members, but there weren’t any. I never met anyone I was related to. My mom’s mom was dead before I was born, and I never knew my dad’s side. So I just went into the system.”
He drags his hand through his hair as he inhales sharply.
“One day I was living in a small but comfortable townhome with my own room and my books and the next day I was surrounded by strangers, sleeping in a room with two other boys I didn’t know. It wasn’t an easy transition.”
“No. I can’t imagine how that felt.”
“It felt like nothing, Rue. I shut down as soon as I heard my mom was gone. I was angry, but I couldn’t feel sadness.
Being in foster care, in group homes, it’s not for the weak, and I learned quickly that I needed to figure out how to take care of myself.
In a matter of months, I went from a pretty quiet science nerd to a boy filled with rage and no outlet for it.
I started fighting and acting out all the time.
My grades dropped, and my social worker told me it was normal to deal with my grief that way, but every night, I would close my eyes and see my dad’s face.
I couldn’t see my mom no matter how hard I tried though.
Just his. Drunk and sloppy and treating us like shit.
I wanted to dig him up just so I could kill him again. ”
A shiver moves down my back. “It had to be frustrating.”
“To put it mildly. I got passed around to different foster homes, and there was a lot of abuse. Physical, emotional…” He pauses. “Sexual.”
“Oh god.”
“But at fifteen, I just took off. I didn’t want to be shoved into someone else’s family again.
I figured I could take care of myself at that point, and I did.
In some ways it was easier on the streets.
No one expects anything of you. No one asks you questions or gives you looks of pity. Everyone is too busy surviving.”
“What did you do for money and stuff?”
“Anything. Sometimes I mugged people, stole stuff from stores to sell. Eventually, I turned some tricks. That’s actually how I figured out my sexuality.
I was hit up by this man and at that point, I hadn’t had more than a few messy blow jobs from girls, but he offered me a lot of money that night and said he’d give me a shower and dinner.
It was too good a deal to say no to and I figured I could get through it. ”
“You weren’t attracted to him?”
Carnage shakes his head. “He was some middle-aged dude. He wanted me to fuck him and I decided I’d do it.
He took me to a hotel room and while I showered he ordered room service.
After that, he blew me, and I got hard so I did the deed.
I woke up alone with two hundred dollars and a full belly, feeling rested. ”
“That must’ve been so nice.”
“It was, yeah. And it was easier than stealing and hustling for a meal. I learned what part of town to hang out in so I’d find more tricks.
Eventually, I realized that I liked sex with men way more than sex with women.
Unfortunately, with turning tricks comes danger.
I was assaulted many times. I was still pretty small back then. ”
“Assaulted? Physically?”
“Sexually. Again.”
I cringe. I was afraid of that.