Chapter 16 #2
“It goes with the territory. It was getting harder for me sell ass. Then I met this other guy living on the streets like me. We hit it off and joined forces, sharing our resources, looking out for each other. Eventually we started fucking, and then I knew for sure that I wasn’t bi. I was gay.”
“Did it upset you?”
“No. Nothing upset me at that point.”
“What was his name?”
“Luciano. The streets called him Lucky, but I called him Luce. It only lasted a couple of months, but I think if we could’ve kept going, I might’ve been able to love him.”
“Why did it end?”
“One day he disappeared.”
“Disappeared?”
Carnage nods. “He went to turn some tricks while I sold some shit we had stolen, but he never came back to where we were staying. I looked everywhere, for days, asked everyone, but no one had seen him. The rumors started that he was trafficked, or that he overdosed, or he just took off. I never saw him again.”
“Carnage… fuck. Something bad must’ve happened to him.”
“I used to wonder, but then I decided it didn’t matter. I couldn’t do anything, whether he left voluntarily or not.”
Fuck. I thought I had trauma.
“I turned into something I didn’t recognize anymore,” he continues.
“I was angry and violent and quickly earned a reputation on the streets as someone not to be fucked with. I couldn’t bring myself to fuck people anymore, so I turned to selling drugs.
I hated it but it was good money. I did that for years until the night my path crossed with Shadow’s. ”
I was hoping he’d tell me how he met his boss.
“He was hired to kill a guy in my crew, so they’d been watching us for a few weeks. He saw something in me, something he wanted, and he made me an offer I couldn’t ignore.”
“Like he physically wanted you?”
Carnage shakes his head. “No, nothing like that. He was building his organization, and to hear him tell it, he said I had a spark that he could use. I watched him, Specter, and Stealth decimate most of my crew, but Shadow spared me. He gave me a choice. I could walk away and figure out what was next or I could join him. It was an easy yes.”
“Why?”
“He’s a compelling man. Magnetic. He saw a spark in me, and I saw a future in him.
Stability. A place to belong. Specter too.
He felt like a brother right from the start.
By morning, I was part of the family.” He smiles wistfully.
“Back then, we stayed in a beat-up house in a shitty part of town, but it had heat and running water and a bed, which was an improvement for me.”
“Had you, um, killed anyone at that point?”
He nods, a haunted look in his eyes. “Two people. Fights. The rage…” Carnage shakes his head.
“It needed a place to go, and Shadow gave that to me. At first, I couldn’t really control it.
It was like letting a rabid dog out of his cage.
I would just lose my shit and fuck up anyone in my path.
But he taught me how to channel it, control it, use it.
I get the worst of the worst cases often.
I get the abusers, the sex offenders, the child molesters.
I get the scum and I rain down hell on them. ”
“And it feels good?”
“That’s not how I’d describe it. It feels more than good.
It feels right. Like…” He shrugs. “Justice. This world can be really dark and shitty and fucked up, and sometimes no one is there to make it right. These assholes get away with hurting people and they’re never held accountable until they meet me. I fix things.”
“Does it make you feel better about your mom?”
He blinks slowly, staring straight ahead. “No, but it keeps me sane.” He blows out a breath. “So now you know me. This is it, warts and all.”
“Have you ever actually had a relationship with someone apart from Luce?”
He shakes his head. “No. Wouldn’t let it happen.”
“Why me, then?”
Carnage rolls onto his side, resting his hand on my chest. “You make me feel.”
“Feel what?”
“Anything. Something. I don’t know what to call it, but I know it’s tangible. I want to protect you, avenge you, touch you.”
He holds my gaze as he speaks, so intently that I feel the urge to look away, but I won’t let myself.
“You’re unique, Rue. Special. I’m probably not even close to being good enough for you, but I’ll try. I like how I feel around you. I feel… human.”
A smile tugs at my lips as I reach up and brush my fingers over his cheek.
“I think you’re amazing. You’ve endured so much and yet you still have the capacity to care for people.
You love your brothers. I know; I can see it.
And I’ve never felt safer. You’re worthy of me, Carn. You’re worthy of anything you want.”
His expression brightens a bit. “It doesn’t bother you that I am what I am?”
I shake my head. “No. I guess I see you as so much more than just that piece, but even when I think about it, when I saw the video tonight, I thought you were… magnificent.”
His eyebrows rise. “Is that so?”
“I’d like to see you in action. When you find Leon, I want to see it.”
His jaw twitches slightly, but he nods once. “Potentially. If it’s safe for you.”
“I’m always safe with you.”
I watch his expression darken. “You have to understand something, Rue. I won’t lose you the way I’ve lost other people. It’s not happening. So if it’s not safe, you won’t be there.”
“But—”
“No. I understand the desire, the need, to see Leon suffer, and I want to give that to you, but not at the expense of your safety. Do you get that?”
I nod. I’m slightly frustrated, but after what he just told me, I’d be selfish not to understand. “Okay.”
“Okay.” He kisses my nose. “Thank you.”
“For?”
“Everything. Being brave enough to reach out to me that night in the club, being you, listening to me. I’ve never told anyone that story except Shadow. It felt good to let some of it go.”
“That’s what I can be for you. A soft, safe space. Even tough hit men need that sometimes.”
“For too long. I’ve needed you for too long.”
“I’m here now.”
“And you’re staying?”
“Yes.”
He closes the space between us with a soft kiss, and as I wrap my arms around his shoulders, I wonder if we could ever fall in love. Wouldn’t that be amazing?
Maybe, for once in my life since my mom died, everything is going to be okay.