Chapter 12
CHAPTER TWELVE
KAIZLEIGH
Ihad already picked out how I wanted to tell Billion.
That should've been my first sign I was getting ahead of myself.
I hadn't bought anything this time. I deserved credit for that much.
No onesies hidden in the back of my closet.
No little box with a pregnancy test inside.
Nothing that would make Billion look at me and tell me I was doing too much.
But in my head, I'd done everything. I imagined getting the call from the clinic and hearing them tell me Nyrobi was pregnant.
I imagined holding it in long enough to surprise Billion even though I knew damn well I couldn't keep something like that from him for more than five minutes.
I imagined calling his daddy. Calling his mama.
Walking into the room we'd already decided would eventually become the nursery and finally being able to look around without feeling stupid for wanting something that kept slipping through my fingers.
I'd even started counting months. That was how sure I'd been.
I knew what the doctor said. I knew a transfer wasn't a guarantee.
I knew we had to wait for the blood test. I knew medication could cause symptoms, so every little thing Nyrobi felt didn't mean she was pregnant.
I knew all of that shit. I just didn't believe it applied to us.
Not this time. Because this time we had fixed the problem.
At least I thought we had. My body couldn't hold on to our babies, so we'd found one that could. That was the whole fucking point.
I sat beside Billion in the clinic with my hands squeezed together so tight my nails were digging into my skin. Nyrobi was across from us scrolling through her phone like this was any other appointment. I didn't understand how she could be so calm.
“You not nervous?” I finally asked.
She looked up.
“About what?”
I stared at her.
She smiled.
“I'm fucking with you.”
“Nyrobi.”
“Yes, I'm nervous.”
“You don't look nervous.”
“What I'm supposed to do? Shake?”
“I don't know.”
“I'm trying not to think about it.”
“Well, I can't stop thinking about it.”
“I know.”
“How?”
“Because you texted me at six this morning.”
“I was awake.”
“And decided I needed to be too?”
“You answered.”
“Because I thought something was wrong.”
Billion looked over at me.
“You texted her at six?”
I ignored him.
Nyrobi didn't.
“Six-oh-seven.”
“Kaizleigh.”
“What?”
He shook his head.
“I was checking on her.”
“At six in the morning?”
“I couldn't sleep.”
“That sound personal.”
Nyrobi laughed.
I rolled my eyes.
“Both of y'all getting on my nerves.”
A nurse walked through the door before either one of them could say anything else.
The second she called Nyrobi's name, my stomach dropped.
Nyrobi stood.
I stood too.
She looked at me.
“You getting blood drawn with me?”
“No.”
“Then why you standing?”
“I don't know.”
She laughed.
“Sit down, girl.”
I sat.
Nyrobi followed the nurse through the door, and I watched until it closed behind her.
Billion's hand landed on my thigh.
“Relax.”
“I am relaxed.”
“You bouncing your leg.”
I stopped.
“Now I'm relaxed.”
He smiled.
“It's gonna be whatever it's gonna be.”
I looked at him.
“That was terrible.”
“What?”
“That's what you got for me?”
“What you want me to say?”
“Something comforting.”
“I am comforting you.”
“No, you're not.”
He leaned closer.
“Baby, me telling you some shit I don't know ain't gonna make the result change.”
“I know.”
“So I'm not about to sit here promising you she's pregnant.”
“I know.”
“But whatever they tell us, we handle it.”
I looked down at his hand on my thigh.
There it was.
That was Billion.
Sometimes I wanted pretty words.
He gave me shit I could stand on instead.
I put my hand over his.
“I really think it worked.”
“I know you do.”
“You don't?”
“I hope it did.”
“That wasn't my question.”
“Because I'm not doing this with you.”
“Doing what?”
“Getting you so high on the idea that you can't breathe if it ain't what you want.”
My chest tightened.
He saw it.
“Kaizleigh.”
“I know.”
“You don't.”
“I said I know.”
He didn't argue.
He just squeezed my leg.
Nyrobi came back out a few minutes later rubbing the inside of her arm.
“They took enough blood to test the whole fucking family.”
I smiled.
“You okay?”
“Ughhh here you go.”
“What?”
“I'm gonna start charging you every time you ask me that.”
“I can't ask if you're okay?”
“You ask me fifteen times a day.”
“Because I care.”
“I know.”
She sat beside me. That quieted both of us.
I looked over. She was already back on her phone like she hadn't just said something that made my chest feel funny.
I cared about her too. That wasn't supposed to happen.Not like this anyways.
When Billion and I first started looking into surrogacy, I imagined having a respectful relationship with whoever we chose.
I wanted to be kind to her. Make sure she was comfortable.
Make sure she knew how grateful we were.
I hadn't planned on actually liking her.
I damn sure hadn't planned on getting attached.
But somewhere between her asking if she had to sleep with my husband, moving into our property, and threatening to block me every other day, Nyrobi had become somebody I wanted around even when we weren't talking about a baby.
I didn't know what that meant once all this was over. I wasn't ready to think about it either. Right now, I just wanted the damn phone to ring. The clinic told us we didn't have to wait there for the results. I wanted to but Billion refused.
So somehow we ended up back at the house with Nyrobi sitting in my living room eating my food while I stared at my phone every thirty seconds.
“You got any more of these?”
I looked over.
“Any more of what?”
Nyrobi held up the little bag of chips.
“In the pantry.”
She got up.
I stared at her.
“What?”
“You hungry.”
“Yes.”
“You've been hungry a lot.”
She closed her eyes.
“Here we fucking go.”
“What?”
“Kaizleigh, being hungry is not a pregnancy symptom.”
“It can be.”
“According to who?”
“Google.”
Billion spoke from the other end of the couch without looking away from his laptop.
“Stop Googling shit.”
“I'm not.”
He looked at me.
I put my phone down.
“Right now.”
Nyrobi laughed.
“See, this why I like him.”
My head turned.
“Excuse me?”
“Because he tell your ass the same shit I be telling you.”
Billion smiled.
I looked between them.
“Oh, so y'all a team now?”
“No, don’t put me in yall marriage,” Nyrobi said.
“Please don't,” Billion added.
Nyrobi went to the pantry. I picked my phone back up. There was nothing I checked my email, still nothing. Billion reached over and took the phone out of my hand.
“Give me my phone.”
“No.”
“What if they call?”
“It rings.”
“What if they email?”
“You'll get a notification.”
“Billion.”
“Kaizleigh.”
Nyrobi came back into the room with two bags of chips.
“You got fruit snacks?”
I pointed toward the pantry.
“Second shelf.”
She turned around.
Billion looked at me.
I looked at him.
“What?”
“You bought fruit snacks?”
“Yes.”
“For who?”
“People.”
“What people?”
“People who come over.”
“Who comes over here eating fruit snacks?”
Nyrobi yelled from the pantry.
“Me now.”
“See.”
Billion shook his head.
“You bought that shit for her.”
“I did not.”
Nyrobi came back.
“You did?”
“No!”
“That's sweet.”
“Shut up.”
She dropped back onto the couch. For about five minutes, everything felt normal. Then my phone rang. And noobody moved. Not even Nyrobi. Billion looked down at the screen. Then at me.
“Clinic.”
My stomach dropped so fast I felt sick.
“Answer it.”
“It's your phone.”
“Billion, answer it.”
“No.”
“Why?”
“Because you need to.”
I stared at him.
Nyrobi stopped eating. The phone kept ringing. Finally, I grabbed it.
“Hello?”
My voice sounded strange to my own ears.
The nurse said my name. Confirmed who she was.
Then asked if I had a moment to talk. I already knew.
I don't know how. Maybe it was her voice.
Maybe it was the fact that people never asked if you had a moment before telling you something good. My fingers tightened around the phone.
“Yes.”
She started talking about numbers, bloodwork and beta. I heard all of it without hearing any of it. Then she said the only words that mattered. The pregnancy test was negative. I didn't say anything. Billion sat forward. Nyrobi's face changed. The nurse kept talking, but I was stuck on one word.
Negative.
Not low. Not uncertain. Not come back in two days.
Negative.
“Mrs. Stylez?”
I swallowed.
“I'm here.”
She explained that she knew this wasn't the result we'd hoped for.
No shit.
She said the doctor would talk with us about next steps. Another attempt. Adjustments to the protocol. We still had embryos. This did not mean another transfer wouldn't work. I heard that part. I just couldn't make myself care yet.
“Okay.”
She said something else. I answered. Then the call ended. Nobody asked questions. They didn't need to. I put my phone down. Nyrobi was the first to move.
“Kaizleigh.”
“It didn't take.”
Saying it out loud did something to me. I stood. I don't know why. I just couldn't sit there anymore.
“It didn't take.”
Billion stood too.
“Come here.”
“No.”
“Kaizleigh.”
“I need a minute.”
I walked away.
I heard him behind me.
“I said I need a minute.”
“And I heard you.”
“Then stop following me.”
“No.”
I turned around.
“Billion!”
“What?”
“I don't want you to fix it!”
“I can't fix it.”
That shut me up.
He stepped closer.
“I know I can't.”
My eyes filled.
“I thought it was me.”
He frowned.
“What?”
“I thought it was me.”
“Baby…”
“My body.”
My voice cracked.
I hated it.
“I thought my body was the problem.”
He reached for me.
I stepped back.
“Three times, Billion.”
“I know.”
“Three fucking times.”
“I know.”
“I got pregnant. And every time, my body let it go.”
“Stop.”
“So when they told us about surrogacy, I thought...”
I couldn't finish.
Billion stared at me.
“I thought if we took me out of it, we'd be okay.”
“Kaizleigh.”
“I thought that was the problem.”
My tears finally fell.
“Me.”
“No.”
“Yes!”
“No.”