Chapter 11 #2
I looked around. Everybody in this place wanted something. That thought came out of nowhere. Maybe not the same thing but something. A baby, a chance, an answer hell, a miracle.
I looked at Kaizleigh.
Her knee was bouncing.
“You good?”
She nodded.
Her knee kept moving.
I put my hand on it.
“Stop.”
She looked down.
“I didn't know I was doing that.”
“I know.”
She took a breath. Billion reached over and grabbed her hand.
And just like that, she settled. It just came natural being the situation like he'd done it a thousand times before.
He didn't tell her to calm down. Didn't tell her everything would be okay.
He just held her hand. And she knew whatever he meant by it.
I looked away. Something about seeing them like that reminded me exactly what I was there for. This wasn't my baby. Wasn't my man. Wasn't my dream. I was the bridge. That was it. A very well-paid bridge, but still.
When the nurse called my name, Kaizleigh jumped up so fast I almost laughed.
“Damn, you going before me?”
“Shut up.”
Billion stood behind her. We followed the nurse back.By the time I was lying on the table, shit wasn't funny anymore.
Everything had become serious. I had on one of those gowns that never covered enough ass, my legs were positioned where they needed to be, and suddenly every joke I'd made about somebody putting a baby in me disappeared.
Kaizleigh stood beside me. Billion stood beside her. The doctor explained the procedure again. I'd already heard it. Still listened like it was the first time. They showed us the embryo. That got me.
I stared at the screen.
That little thing? That was what all this had been about?
All those tears., money and appointments. All the medicine. All the contracts. All the shit Kaizleigh had put her body through before I ever met her. All for something so damn small I almost couldn't understand how it could mean this much.
“Oh my God.”
I looked over.
Kaizleigh was crying. Of course.
But this time I didn't tease her. Billion had her hand.
She had her other hand pressed over her mouth.
I looked back at the screen. The room got quiet while the doctor prepared everything.
I don't know what came over me. Maybe nerves.
Maybe the medicine had fucked my emotions up more than I thought.
But suddenly the weight of what I was doing landed on me all at once.
These people trusted me. Not with money. Not with their house. Not with some little secret. With this. The one thing they couldn't make happen on their own.
I swallowed.
Kaizleigh looked at me.
“You okay?”
I nodded.
“You?”
She laughed through her tears.
“No.”
That made me smile.
“Come here.”
I reached my hand out. She grabbed it. Now Billion was holding one of hers. I was holding the other. And for a second, the three of us were connected in this weird-ass way I never would've imagined a few months ago.
“Don't squeeze my hand too hard,” I told her.
She laughed.
“Shut up.”
“There she go.”
“I'm trying not to cry.”
“You already crying.”
“Nyrobi.”
“I ain't say it was bad.”
Her eyes met mine.
“Thank you.”
I shook my head.
“Not yet.”
“For getting this far.”
I didn't know what to say to that. So I squeezed her hand. Then the doctor started. I watched the screen because they told me I'd be able to see part of the process. I didn't understand half of what I was looking at. But I knew the exact moment they told us it was done.
“That’s it?” I asked.
The doctor smiled.
“That’s it.”
I blinked.
“For all that money, I thought it was gonna be more dramatic.”
Billion laughed.
Kaizleigh cried harder.
The nurse smiled.
I looked back at the screen.
That was it. Something that could become a whole person had just been placed inside my body.
And I didn't feel any different. That was the crazy part.
I expected something. A cramp. A feeling.
A damn sign from God. Nothing. I was still me.
Same Nyrobi. Same body. Except now there was an embryo inside it that belonged to the two people standing beside me.
Maybe. Hopefully.
I looked at Kaizleigh. She was staring at me like I had just performed a miracle.
“Don't look at me like that.”
“Like what?”
“Like I'm pregnant.”
She laughed.
“You might be.”
“Right just that quick,” I joked.
Billion rubbed her back.
“The doctor already told you we gotta wait.”
“I know.”
“Then wait.”
Kaizleigh looked at him.
“Easy for you to say.”
“No, it ain't.”
Something in his voice made both of us look at him. For the first time all day, he didn't look calm. He was just better at hiding it. Kaizleigh reached for him. He kissed the side of her head.
I looked away again.
Yeah.vI really wanted this shit to work.
The waiting was worse than the needles.
Nobody told me that part. There was nothing to do. That was the problem. Take the medication. Follow the instructions. Don't do anything stupid. Then wait…
Kaizleigh asked me how I felt so many times I started making shit up.
Day one:
“Do you feel anything?”
“Hungry.”
Day two:
“What about today?”
“My left foot itching.”
“Nyrobi!”
“What you want me to say?”
Day three, she called while I was at work.
“Any cramping?”
“I been pushing this cart for four hours. Everything cramping.”
“I'm serious.”
“So am I.”
By day four, I had threatened to block her twice.
By day five, I started wondering too.
That was the part I didn't tell anybody.
Every little thing made me think. My stomach felt funny.
Was that something? I got tired earlier than usual.
Was that something? My titties were still sore, but they'd been sore from the medication, so that didn't mean shit.I refused to Google anything because Kaizleigh had already done enough Googling for all of us.
The clinic had given us the date for testing.
Until then, nobody knew.
Billion checked in too, but he wasn't like his wife.
His texts were short.
You good?
Need anything?
Appointment still Thursday?
That was it.
No asking me if my nipples felt different.
Yes.
Kaizleigh had asked that.
I almost blocked her for real that day.
By the end of the waiting period, I was ready to know just so everybody could stop watching me like my forehead was going to flash PREGNANT if it worked.
That night, Mama went to bed early. The house was quiet. I took a shower and stood in the bathroom putting lotion on when I caught myself in the mirror. I stopped. Turned sideways.
Of course nothing.
I wasn't even sure why I looked. Even if it had worked, there wasn't going to be a stomach yet.
I knew that. Still, I stared. My hand moved before I really thought about it.
I rested my palm against the bottom of my stomach.
Nothing felt different. No movement. No sign.
No little voice telling me whether that embryo had stayed or disappeared.
Just my hand against my own skin. I thought about Kaizleigh crying in that room.
Billion holding her hand. That tiny embryo on the screen.
I had spent all this time calling it their baby because that was what it was supposed to become.
But standing there alone in that bathroom, it hit me differently.
It was the fact that there could really be something inside me that hadn't been there before.
Something that didn't belong to me. Something that, if everything went right, would grow inside my body for months before I handed it to somebody else.
I rubbed my stomach once.
Then caught myself.
I snatched my hand away.
“Girl, stop.”
I turned off the bathroom light and walked toward my bed.
But even after I got underneath the covers, my mind wouldn't shut the fuck up.
Because until that test told us otherwise, there was a possibility.
A small one. A scary one. A real one.
There might really be somebody else's baby in there.