Chapter 17
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
KAIZLEIGH
Ihad stopped asking God for positive pregnancy tests a long time ago. That probably sounded crazy coming from a woman who wanted a baby more than damn near anything in this world, but after a while, those two pink lines didn't mean what they meant to everybody else.
To other women, they meant congratulations, baby names, nurseries and due dates.
To me, they meant don't get too excited.
Don't buy anything. Don't tell too many people.
Don't start imagining who the baby might look like.
Don't calculate how far along you'll be at Christmas.
And definitely don't start thinking about the day you'll finally get to hold them.
Because three different times, I'd gotten excited.
Three different times, I'd let myself believe my body was finally going to do what a woman's body was supposed to know how to do.
And three different times, I'd gone home without my baby.
So when the clinic called that morning, I didn't answer.
I just stared at my phone.
FERTILITY CENTER
It rang until the screen went dark. My heart was beating so hard I could hear it. A few seconds later, it started ringing again. I still couldn't move. Billion came out of the bathroom adjusting the watch on his wrist.
“Why you ain't answering?”
I looked at him.
He looked at the phone.
Then his whole face changed.
“That's them?”
I nodded.
“Answer it.”
“I can't.”
“Kaizleigh.”
“I can't.”
He walked over and picked the phone up from the bed.
I grabbed his wrist.
“Wait.”
He stopped.
“What?”
“What if it didn't work?”
His face softened.
“Then it didn't work.”
“And we gotta do this shit all over again?”
“If that's what we decide.”
“What if I can't?”
“Then we don't.”
I looked at him.
“What?”
“We don't.”
“But the baby?—”
“Fuck the baby.”
My mouth dropped.
“Billion!”
“You heard me.”
“How can you say that?”
“Because I'm looking at my wife scared to answer a fucking phone.”
My eyes filled.
He crouched in front of me.
“I want a baby with you. You know that.”
I nodded.
“But I want you more.”
That did it.
“Don't.”
“What?”
“Make me cry before I even know what I'm crying about.”
He smiled.
“Then answer the phone.”
It had stopped ringing again.
I wiped underneath my eyes.
“What if they don't call back?”
“They called twice.”
“What if?—”
My phone started ringing again.
Billion raised an eyebrow.
“There's your answer.”
“Shut up.”
I grabbed it.
My finger hovered over the screen.
Then I answered.
“Hello?”
The woman on the other end said my name.
I answered.
She introduced herself, but I already knew who she was. We'd spoken enough times.
Then she asked if I had a minute to discuss Nyrobi's results.
My stomach twisted.
“Yes.”
Billion sat beside me.
I put the phone on speaker.
The woman started talking.
Numbers. Bloodwork. Something about levels.
I couldn't follow any of it.
My brain had gotten stuck somewhere between results and Nyrobi.
“I'm sorry, can you just tell me if it worked?” I interrupted.
Billion grabbed my hand.
There was a tiny pause.
Then she said it.
“Nyrobi's pregnancy test is positive.”
I didn't move. I don't think I breathed. The woman kept talking, but I couldn't hear her anymore.
Positive.
My eyes went to Billion.
He was staring at the phone.
“Positive?” I asked.
“Yes.”
“Like... pregnant?”
Billion closed his eyes.
The woman laughed softly.
“Yes, Mrs. Stylez. The transfer was successful and her initial bloodwork is consistent with an early pregnancy.”
My hand flew over my mouth.
“Oh my God.”
Billion squeezed my hand.
I looked at him.
“Oh my God.”
He nodded.
His eyes were wet.
That made me lose it.
I started crying so hard I couldn't even breathe right.
“Baby.”
Billion took the phone out of my hand before I dropped it. I heard him talking to the clinic, asking questions I couldn't even think to ask.
When was the next blood draw? What were they looking for? What did Nyrobi need to continue taking? When would the first ultrasound be?
He was listening. I wasn't.
I bent forward with my hands over my face and cried. Not the way I'd cried in bathrooms or the way I'd cried in hospital beds.
This shit was different. This shit came from somewhere so deep I couldn't control it.
“We got a baby.”
Billion's hand went to my back.
I grabbed his shirt.
“We got a baby.”
“I know.”
“Billion.”
“I know, baby.”
He ended the call and pulled me against him.
My legs felt weak. I wasn't being dramatic. I literally couldn't stand. So, he held me. One arm around my waist. The other against the back of my head.
I cried into his chest until his shirt was wet.
“I was so scared.”
“I know.”
“I thought it didn't work.”
“I know.”
“I didn't even want to think it worked because every time I think something good?—”
“Stop.”
I pulled back.
“But—”
“Today is good.”
I looked at him.
“Just let today be good.”
My bottom lip shook.
I nodded.
Today was good. For once, I didn't have to wait for somebody to tell me they were sorry. For once, the phone call didn't take something from me. It gave me something.
Hope.
And I had forgotten how good that felt.
“We gotta call Nyrobi.”
“She probably knows.”
“I wanna hear her say it.”
Billion looked at me for half a second too long. I didn’t care though; I was already calling.
Nyrobi answered on the third ring.
“Hello?”
“YOU'RE PREGNANT!”
“Damn! Good morning to you too.”
I screamed.
Actually screamed.
Billion shook his head.
Nyrobi started laughing.
“Kaizleigh, calm down.”
“How the fuck am I supposed to calm down?”
“First of all, don't be cussing at me and I'm carrying your child.”
That made me cry again.
“Oh my God.”
“Why you crying?”
“Because you just said it.”
“Said what?”
“That you're carrying my child.”
The other end got quiet.
“Kaizleigh.”
“What?”
“Don't start crying.”
“Too late.”
“Girl.”
“When did they call you?”
“Before they called y'all.”
“And you didn't call me?!”
“I was going to!”
“When?”
“After I processed the fact that I'm apparently pregnant.”
“Apparently? You ARE.”
“It's early.”
“I know.”
“The nurse said we still gotta?—”
“I know what she said.”
“Then why you screaming?”
“Because I'm happy!”
She laughed.
I wiped my face.
“Where are you?”
“Home.”
“We're coming.”
“No.”
“Yes.”
“Kaizleigh.”
“We're coming.”
“Why?”
“Because I wanna see you.”
“You just saw me.”
“That was before you were pregnant.”
“I was probably pregnant then too.”
“You know what I mean.”
“No, I don't.”
“We'll be there in thirty.”
“Don't bring no baby shit.”
I froze.
Billion looked at me.
I looked away.
“I wasn't.”
“You lying.”
“I wasn't!”
“Kaizleigh.”
“I didn't buy anything.”
“Yet.”
I smiled.
“Bye.”
“Don't—”
I hung up.
Billion was still looking at me.
“What?”
“You got baby shit?”
“No.”
“Kaizleigh.”
“I don't!”
He stared at me.
“I have stuff saved.”
He closed his eyes.
“That doesn't count.”
“It absolutely counts.”
“We're not buying anything yet.”
“I know.”
“I'm serious.”
“I know.”
“We ain't even had an ultrasound.”
“I KNOW.”
He looked at me.
I took a breath.
“I'm not buying anything.”
“Good.”
“Today.”
“Kaizleigh.”
I grabbed my purse.
“Come on.”
I was in great spirits the entire ride over there. Ms. Juanita opened the door before we even knocked.She had the biggest smile on her face.
“Look at y'all.”
I hugged her.
“Where is she?”
“In the kitchen.”
I walked past her. Nyrobi was sitting at the table eating cereal like she hadn't just changed my entire fucking life.
I stopped.
She looked up.
“What?”
“You're eating cereal.”
She looked into the bowl.
“That's usually what people do with it.”
“Nyrobi.”
“What you want me to be doing?”
“I don't know!”
Billion walked in behind me.
“Leave her alone.”
I turned around.
“Whose side are you on?”
“The pregnant woman's.”
Nyrobi pointed her spoon at him.
“See. He got sense today.”
Something passed across her face. It was quick. So quick I almost thought I imagined it. She looked away from Billion and back at her bowl. I didn't care. I couldn't. Not today. I walked over and wrapped my arms around her.
Nyrobi froze.
“Kaizleigh, I got cereal.”
“I don't care.”
“You about to make me spill it.”
“Put it down.”
She sighed and put the bowl on the table.
Then she hugged me back.
That made me cry again.
“Damn, girl.”
“Shut up.”
“You gonna be dehydrated.”
I laughed through my tears.
“Thank you.”
Her body stiffened and I held her tighter.
“Thank you so fucking much.”
“Kaizleigh—”
“No. Let me say it.”
She got quiet.
“You have no idea what you just gave me.”
For some reason, Nyrobi stopped hugging me. I mean not completely, her arms just loosened.
I pulled back.
Her eyes were wet.
“See! You crying too.”
She looked away.
“I ain't crying.”
“Yes, you are.”
“It's the medicine.”
“Girl, shut up.”
I wiped underneath her eye.
She caught my wrist.
“Don't do that.”
“Why?”
“Because now you really gonna make me cry.”
I smiled.
“Then cry.”
“No.”
“Yes.”
“I don't like you.”
“You love me.”
“That's a strong word.”
“You do.”
She shook her head.
I looked down at her stomach. Nothing had changed. Of course it hadn't. But I couldn't help myself. I put my hand against it.
Nyrobi's eyes immediately dropped to my hand.
“There's really a baby in there.”
“An embryo.”
“A baby.”
“Kaizleigh.”
“Let me have this.”
She stopped.
Then nodded.
“Aight.”
My hand stayed there. I couldn't explain the feeling. Her stomach was still flat. There was nothing to see and nothing to feel. But somewhere inside her was the beginning of everything I'd been begging God for.
My baby.
“Hey,” I whispered.
Nyrobi laughed.
“Girl, it can't hear you.”
“You don't know that.”
“Yes the fuck I do.”
“Shut up.”
“Talking to a damn microscopic baby.”
“MY microscopic baby.”
Ms. Juanita laughed from behind us.
“Ain't nobody gonna be able to tell that girl nothing.”
“Nope,” I said.
Nyrobi looked at Billion.
“Come get her.”
He was standing near the counter.
He smiled.
But it didn't completely reach his eyes.
I noticed that.
“You okay?” I asked.
“Yeah.”
“You sure?”
“I'm good.”
“Come here.”
He hesitated.
Just for a second. Then walked over.
I grabbed his hand.
“We did it.”
His eyes went to Nyrobi and then back to me.
“Yeah.”