Chapter 11 #2
"What happens if we don't like anybody?"
"Then you don't choose anybody."
That answer came so easily that I laughed.
"That's it?"
"That's it. This isn't something you rush because you're ready for a baby."
Billion squeezed my hand. I knew that part had been for me.
"How long does it normally take?" he asked.
"There's no one timeline. Matching can take time, and after a match there are still medical evaluations, legal agreements and preparation before transfer. Even after a transfer, pregnancy isn't guaranteed."
There it was. The part I hated. Nothing was guaranteed. Not IVF. Not pregnancy. Not even this.
Billion must've felt my hand tighten because he rubbed his thumb across mine.
Dr. Carter looked at me.
"How are you feeling?"
I let out a small laugh.
"Like you answered ten questions and gave me twenty more."
"That's usually how the first consultation goes."
"At least I'm normal."
"Very."
We talked for almost another hour. I asked everything I could think of.
What happened if the surrogate got sick. What happened if the embryo didn't take. Whether we could meet multiple women before choosing. What kind of contact we could have during the pregnancy.
Billion asked questions I hadn't even thought of, mostly about contracts, privacy, insurance and what happened if there was a disagreement.
By the time we stood to leave, my head was full.
Dr. Carter handed me a folder.
"Take this home and go through it together. There's information about the process, screening, legal considerations and our matching program."
"Thank you."
"And don't feel pressured to call tomorrow."
I laughed.
"You figured me out already?"
"I've been doing this a long time."
Billion stood beside me.
"Please tell her that again."
I looked at him.
"Don't."
Dr. Carter laughed.
"Take your time."
"We will," Billion said.
We thanked her again before walking out. The second the elevator doors closed, I leaned against the wall.
Billion looked over at me.
"Well?"
"I don't know."
"That's allowed."
"I know."
He reached for my hand.
"You still wanna do it?"
I looked down at the folder tucked underneath my arm.
"I wanna look."
"At what?"
"The women."
He raised an eyebrow.
"The profiles?"
"Yeah."
"You sure?"
"No."
He smiled.
"You been saying that a lot lately."
"Because you keep asking me shit I don't know."
He laughed.
I looked down at the folder again.
"I don't wanna pick anybody yet. I just wanna see."
"Then we see."
"What if none of them feel right?"
"Then none of them feel right."
"And we just keep waiting?"
"If that's what it takes."
I looked at him.
"You make everything sound so simple."
"It ain't simple."
"Then why you always act like it is?"
"Because one of us gotta stop turning every decision into the end of the world."
I rolled my eyes.
"There go your mouth."
"You married it."
"I married everything attached to it."
He smiled.
"Exactly."
The elevator doors opened, and we headed toward the front entrance.
Xavier was already outside waiting. I climbed into the Escalade and placed the folder across my lap. Billion got in beside me. As Xavier pulled away, I opened it again.
There was a card tucked inside with instructions for accessing the agency's matching portal whenever we were ready. I turned it over in my hand.
Billion noticed.
"You can't even make it home?"
"I'm just looking at the card."
"Mhmm."
"I am."
"Kaizleigh."
"Okay, damn."
I put it back inside the folder for maybe thirty seconds. Then I pulled my phone out.
Billion looked over at me.
I looked right back at him.
"What?"
He shook his head.
"I ain't saying shit."
"Good."
I typed the website into my phone.
The page loaded and I entered the temporary information from the card and created a password.
Billion leaned over.
"I thought you was waiting until we got home."
"I changed my mind."
"Clearly."
The portal opened. There were pages explaining the process we'd just spent almost two hours talking about. I skipped past all of it.
Billion laughed.
"You don't read instructions for shit."
"I already heard the instructions."
I found the section I was looking for and tapped it.
Potential Gestational Carriers
My finger hovered over the screen.
Billion looked at me.
"You nervous?"
"A little."
"You don't have to open it."
"I know."
I tapped it anyway.
The first profile appeared. It was a smiling woman with two children. I read through everything. Then the next one. Then another. All of them seemed nice.
Healthy pregnancies. Families of their own. Reasons for wanting to help another couple become parents.
There wasn't anything wrong with any of them. Still, every time I reached the bottom of a profile, I went to the next.
Billion watched me for a while before finally asking.
"What you looking for?"
I kept scrolling.
"I don't know."
"Then how you gone know when you see it?"
"I don't know that either."
He laughed.
"I'm serious."
"So am I."
I opened another profile.
Pretty woman. Three healthy pregnancies. Married. Didn't smoke.
Everything looked good. I still kept scrolling though.
Billion reached over and lowered my phone.
"Baby."
"What?"
"You don't have to find her today."
"I know."
"Do you?"
I looked at him.
"Yes."
"Then put the phone down."
I sighed and locked the screen.
He was right.
I slid my phone into my purse and looked out the window. Maybe Dr. Carter was right. Maybe this wasn't something you could force just because you were ready.
Whoever carried our baby wasn't just going to be some woman we handed a check to and forgot about.
For months, she would be carrying a piece of me and Billion everywhere she went. I couldn't choose that woman because her profile looked good on a screen. I needed to feel comfortable with her. I needed to trust her.
And whoever she was, I wanted to know exactly who we were putting our baby in the hands of.