22. Chapter Twenty-Two
Chapter Twenty-Two
Luna
It’s our last night in Ireland. We’ve been staying at an Airbnb on the Dingle Peninsula. It’s one of the most beautiful locations I’ve ever seen. My mother wrote about it as being one of her favorite places. Many of the people here still speak Gaeilge. It’s a place I’ll remember forever.
The entire trip has shifted my perspective on the world … and on myself.
Life moves much slower here. There’s no rush. No hurry.
Carson approaches me and takes my hand. “I’m going to miss this,” he says.
It’s hard not to notice the sadness in his eyes. I have no doubt part of him will always long for this place. Mine will too. But he will never yearn for anything more than he does his home … his family.
How I wish that would include me.
“I’ll miss it too,” I agree.
Not only this place, but him. Tonight I’m letting him go.
Each day that has passed, I’ve hoped, I’ve prayed, I’ve even resorted to begging the powers that be to make this part of me stop being afraid. But every time I try to gently move our intimacy beyond holding hands or cuddling, my father enters the room.
I pull away from Carson and turn us toward the parking lot. “We should get back and start supper. We’ve got one final bottle of wine to crack.”
He laughs lightly, following just a step behind me.
Carson always gives me space while at the same time protecting me.
He’s one of those men you think are a myth.
He holds doors open, positions himself streetside on our walks through town, and he always, always gives me the last bite of his dessert.
That right there should earn him some sort of reward. Shouldn’t it?
My mind drifts to our first night here on the isle. The night he gave me the journal with the luna moth on the front. I remember what I wrote at the top of the page.
A Luminous Beginning.
I smile at myself. How fucking cheesy was I?
Carson meets my eyes over the top of the car before getting in and grins. And that right there is where those words came from. His smile … his very being … glows.
His soul tugs at mine, creating an ache deep in my chest. It’s as if it knows I’m going to let go.
He deserves a woman who is whole. Who can show him love in the most intimate of ways.
The thud of my father’s heavy footsteps echoes in my mind, making me turn my face away from Carson.
It’s the only way I can save him from also being hurt by my father. It’s the same reason I don’t let Chance see me. I never want to remind him of the man who hurt him.
A curse, I guess. I have my father’s eyes.
It’s exactly why I avoid looking in the mirror.
Carson and I cook together, laughing and dancing around each other as we work. It would all be so easy if it wasn’t for the way my body remembers things I wish it didn’t.
We eat under the moonlight, enjoying the view of Dingle Bay. The Atlantic, usually visible from here during the day, is now veiled in darkness.
My mind is fretting over when to tell him.
I sent Cole a text earlier, begging him to at least reply to Carson. Show him some sign of life. And even though I’m leaving anyway, I told him I would leave the minute we got home if he would just please message Carson.
I know Cole is missing him as much as his brother misses him. He’s just more stubborn.
Maybe it isn’t fair of me to say this, but I don’t think Cole is being fair to Carson. But then again, maybe I am biased. I love Carson. It kills me seeing him ache for his brother’s attention. He wants to share his life with him.
And he should.
Just another reason for me to leave.
But anyway, he didn’t respond.
Carson watches me as I admire the water rippling through the reflection of the moon.
I know he already knows. He has to. The man can read me like a book. He anticipates my every need. His parents deserve the very best in life for raising such an attentive human being.
“I don’t know about you, but I think the moon is far better than the sun. I mean, sure, it makes things grow and yay for giving us vitamin D and all, but the moon …” He turns toward the horizon. “The moon lets you rest. It doesn’t ask anything of you, yet it’s powerful enough to turn tides.”
He’s quiet for a moment.
“I know you want to run right now. Lucky for me you’re trapped on this island with me.” He chuckles quietly under his breath as I hold mine.
His soul demands I pay attention. A contractual rule I must have signed off on eons ago, because no matter how hard I try, I cannot look away.
“I believe with all of my heart that you and I are meant to be together, but I cannot force you to stay with me. I guess I just want you to sleep on it after I say what I have to say.”
A knot in my throat slowly forms, and all I can do is nod. I came out here wanting him to listen to all my reasons why I should go. I owe him the same.
“I do not need to make love to you. Do I want to? Absolutely. But joining our bodies will not be what binds us. That will come by choice, one that needs to come from both of us to be successful.”
He taps his fortune cookie against the table before standing.
“I choose your darkness and your light. Your problems and your successes. Your hopes and dreams. Your comfort and your pain. I choose it all. If someday you’ll let me in the room with your father, I promise I’ll help you chase him away.
You don’t have to be alone with him anymore.
I choose him too, Luna, because he’s a part of you. ”
He places his hand against the side of my face and holds my gaze for a moment before walking away.
I wait for him to come back, but it doesn’t matter, because I’ve forgotten all of my arguments. His words play on repeat in my mind.
Eventually, I head inside, taking my fortune cookie with me just like he did.
I toss it on the bed before plugging my phone in to charge.
My eyes widen when I see I have a message from Cole.
Cole: Who is this?
I roll my eyes, flopping back on the bed.
Me: So you are alive.
Cole: I think you have the wrong number.
Me: Don’t play stupid.
Cole: I am stupid. Lucky for you, you got the smart brother.
Me: You’re not stupid. You’re stubborn.
Cole: Unfortunately for you, my brother has me beat there too. He’ll never let you go.
Me: Same goes for you. He misses you, Cole.
Several dots appear as he types, but then they disappear.
The sound of Carson coming inside draws my attention to my bedroom door, waiting to see if he’ll join me tonight.
My stomach sinks when his footsteps pass, the stairs creaking as he makes his way to one of the bedrooms on the second floor.
Tears burn my eyes, and I’m blinking them away when Cole sends me a text.
Cole: That’s the best thing about him. He never gives up on the people he loves.
Me: Then why don’t you message him?
Cole: It’s called going cold turkey.
I sigh because Cole thinks he’s somehow losing his brother. He’s not, but if I stay, I suppose life will look different for him … for all of us.
“God, I just wish I knew what to do. Am I supposed to stay or go? I just don’t want to make the wrong decision.”
I set the phone down, knowing an answer is unlikely to appear out of thin air.
Maybe it will come to me in the shower.
But my shower comes and goes, uneventful.
I check my phone, looking for a message from either twin. No answer there.
I’m not even sure how all of this happened so fast. It was so quick it literally made Cole’s head spin. Mine too. Carson is the only one who seems sure about what’s happening. He’s calm and solid.
And I yearn for him all the more.
I shut the light out and crawl under the covers.
There’s a lump in my bed. Oh, it’s just my fortune cookie.
I set it on the nightstand by my phone and then settle in, sad that our trip is coming to an end.
And maybe us too. Even though it’s barely begun.
I stare at the ceiling.
My soul begs me not to let this be over.
But even it can’t explain how he could want me.
I can’t make love to him. What if I never can? What if that means the future I’ve started imagining with him isn’t possible?
“Mom, please talk to God and ask him if you can give me the answer. I know it’s cheating, but just this one time.”
The old wind-up alarm clock on the nightstand ticks by quietly. The rhythm is soft and consistent, making me sleepy.
But I have to decide before morning.
My head rolls to the side, and I stare at the fortune cookie.
I close my eyes, and when I open them again, I reach for the cookie, breaking it in half.
Slowly I unroll the tiny piece of paper inside, positioning it in the moonlight so I can read it.
“You are destined for a luminous beginning,” I whisper out loud.
My heart stops, and I wonder if I’m hallucinating. Maybe the light isn’t as good as I thought it was in here.
I bolt upright, turning on the lamp.
“You are destined for a luminous beginning.”
I hurry to my backpack, dropping to my haunches to retrieve the journal Carson gave me. I’ve been writing in it every day. I flip to the first page, and at the top, beside the words I scratched out, is the confirmation I’m looking for. I hold my fortune against my own words.
I stumble backward, landing in the middle of the floor. “A luminous beginning. A fucking luminous beginning.”
I asked. Why am I so surprised the universe answered?
“A luminous beginning,” I say again, hugging the journal to my chest.
The only thing I can do now is laugh and cry.