33. Chapter Thirty-Three
Chapter Thirty-Three
Luna
The past few days with Natalie here have been wonderful, but she had to go home today.
She’ll be back in a few weeks to help me with the club’s lessons.
I wasn’t sure if she’d want to help long term, but I think she’s enjoyed getting an inside look at club life.
It’s a little livelier than the life she’s used to.
Anyway, mission accomplished. Natalie is happy, and everyone is feeling much better.
Sometimes our fear comes from the unknown.
My mind goes to my own fears. I run my hand over my bag. The book I picked up from the library is safely tucked inside. I just picked one with a half-naked man on the front. The librarian didn’t make a big deal out of it when I checked it out, but for me …
I don’t read things like that or watch them.
In fact, I try not to think about men much at all …
until Carson. But even then, I see his soul more than I’ve ever focused on his body.
I guess that’s why when we were in Ireland, I wasn’t expecting him to be a man.
Of course, I knew he was a man, but ugh, you know what I mean.
I didn’t think his anatomy would be a problem for me.
Nausea rolls over me and I shake my hands out in front of me.
I hate that I can’t forget.
The door swings open in front of my face.
“What are you doing here?” Cole asks. He leans against the doorframe to the room he’s been staying in at the warehouse.
“I’m here for your lessons.”
He rubs his hand over his bare chest, staring down at me. “You don’t give up, do you?”
“Only on myself,” I tell him honestly.
It makes him laugh. “Well, then, welcome to the club.” He steps aside and waves me into his room.
I sidestep around the clothes he has scattered across the floor.
“Lucky for you, you got the neat and organized twin,” he says, flopping back on his bed.
I lower myself to the window seat, looking out across the lake. “Wow, it’s a pretty view from up here.”
“Not bad.” He grabs a basketball and begins to toss it in the air over and over again.
“Basketball,” I say, signing the word.
He catches it and drops it to the floor. “Do you really think you can teach me all of this shit? I’m just going to forget it all.”
“Maybe, but how will you know if you don’t even try?” I pull my legs up and hug them to my chest.
“Fine, but I’m only doing this for my mom,” he says, grabbing a shirt and joining me.
I look away as he pulls it over his head. “That is the whole point, isn’t it?”
We spend the next few hours going over how to sign all of the letters of the alphabet.
“If you can at least get this down, then if you forget how to sign a word, you can always spell it. You’ll never not be able to talk to her.”
Cole smiles at me.
He’s more confident already. I dig through my bag, looking for the fold-up card I picked up at the library that shows everything I just taught him. “Here, I thought you could keep this in your pocket and practice in your downtime.”
He takes it from me. “Thank you.” He notices something in my bag, and I quickly pull it closed.
“What’s that?” he asks, pushing my hands away. He pulls the romance novel out. “You don’t seem like the type of girl that reads this kind of stuff.”
“There’s nothing wrong with it,” I say, angrily ripping it out of his hands and stuffing it back in my bag.
“Didn’t say that there was. Hey, I’m sorry I embarrassed you.”
“It’s stupid.” My fingers shake as I struggle with the stupid zipper on my stupid bag. “It was a stupid, stupid idea.”
Cole takes the bag from me and zips it closed. “As crazy as it sounds, it might work.”
A sound of disbelief leaves my mouth before I can reel it in.
“You know you’re not the only one in this club who is a victim of sexual abuse. Unfortunately, that’s true with life in general.”
He sighs and turns toward the lake.
“I think you should talk to someone about it,” he continues, pointing at a cabin in the distance. “You could talk to Katie. She was a child when …” He drops his chin, not finishing his sentence.
“This is awkward. I’m sorry, I should go.” I try to pull my bag away from him, but he doesn’t let go of it.
He finally faces me. “You’re still trying to protect her.”
“Who?”
“The little girl inside of you.”
A knot forms in my throat, making it hard to breathe.
“She’s safe here. With the club. With me. With Carson.”
“I know that.”
“Your heart knows, but your mind is a little bitch. It tells you things that aren’t true. It even provides memories to validate it.”
“How do I make it stop?”
Cole laughs lightly. “That’s the part I don’t know. If you figure it out, let me know.”
“Are you trying to protect the little boy inside of you?” I ask, looking around his messy room.
He hands me my bag. “No. He had the perfect life.”
“Maybe you’re trying to protect him from losing that.”
“Maybe.”
I stand, picking my way through the mess back to the door. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“Tomorrow?”
“Practice breeds confidence,” I tell him.
He laughs. “You sound like my basketball coach.”
I open the door and step out, but then I turn back. “Oh, and Cole, your mind is also a little bitch. It’s been lying to you too.”
As soon as I get outside, I make my way around the lake, looking up to find Cole watching me from the window. He suggested I talk to Katie, and that’s exactly what I’m going to do.
I want him to know I trust him.
Charlotte comes running up to me as I approach their cabin.
“Luna!” She falls into step with me, rattling on about the boy who just moved here with his dad and how much of a jerk he is.
“Right, I remember you telling me about him.” I laugh lightly, because it’s just nice being here with her.
“Mom and Dad are putting the girls down for a nap. I don’t have to take one.”
“You’re missing out. Naps are the best.”
She wrinkles her nose. “Only old people say that.”
This makes me laugh.
“I think it’s really cool that you know sign language. We’ve been practicing what you and Natalie taught us,” she continues.
“That’s good. Maybe you can help Cole. He needs someone to practice with.”
She rubs her nose. “Daddy says I shouldn’t tell other people’s business, but I heard Cole crying the other day.”
“You did?”
We both sit down on the porch, waiting for her parents to finish up with their other kids.
“I think he’s sad because Carson usually plays with him, and now that you’re here, he doesn’t anymore.”
“What did they like to do together?”
“Basketball. They always play basketball. And they ride their motorcycles together a lot.”
The honesty of a child.
“Well, maybe we can come up with a plan to get them to play together again. Because I don’t mind.”
“You don’t?”
“No. I want Carson and Cole to be best friends, just like they’ve always been.”
She thinks about it for a while. “We could ask Jackson to send them on a mission.”
I burst out laughing. “A mission?”
“Yeah, the club goes on missions a lot. My parents are always arguing over which one of them gets to go. So whatever they are, it must be fun.”
Charlotte is a breath of fresh air.
“That’s a good idea. You think Jackson would help us?”
“I’m going out to the farm today. I could ask him for you.”
“You know. That just might work.”
“What’s in your bag?” she asks, changing the subject.
“Oh, just some books and things.”
She jumps from her seat. “I’ve got the best book for you to read.” She hurries inside, rushing past her mom. “I’ve got to get Luna a book.”
Katie laughs, spinning in a circle as her daughter bumps into her. “Don’t you wake your sisters up.”
“I won’t!”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t know it was naptime.”
Katie lowers herself into the chair Charlotte just vacated. “Oh, don’t worry about it. Charlotte doesn’t nap, which means Petey and I don’t get to nap either.” She laughs tiredly.
I look over the lake, remembering the times I sat alone by the water. I thought all that time was healing me, but maybe being by myself was an excuse to ignore some of my deeper wounds. There was no one around to mirror them back to me.
“Petey is who made me stop running,” Katie says quietly, not taking her eyes off the water. “Cole texted me and told me you were on your way here.”
“I’m sorry. I don’t want to bring up things you’d rather forget.”
“That’s just it. You never forget, do you?”
Instantly tears spring to my eyes, because if she hasn’t forgotten, neither will I.
“You don’t forget,” she continues, “but you can learn to kick that motherfucker to the curb.”
“I picked up a romance book today. I thought maybe it would help.”
She considers that for a moment. “If you don’t feel any desire then maybe it will help.
Where your thoughts go your energy flows.
” She lights a cigarette. “Or maybe reading about the bad guy getting what he deserves is where the real healing lies in those books. I don’t know. I’m not much of a reader.”
“My dad eventually got what he deserved.”
“Did he, though?”
“My brother shot him.”
She shrugs. “Sounds like he got off easy to me, because he’s dead and you’re still trying to figure out how to let Carson touch you … or maybe how to touch him.”
I take a deep breath, because that’s exactly what I’m trying to figure out.
“It … it makes me feel yucky.”
Charlotte runs out. “Here. You can give it back to me when you’re done. It’s my favorite book.”
I run my hand over the cover, smiling. “Charlotte’s Web.”
Petey comes out behind her. “Ready to head over to the farm?” he asks his daughter.
She gives me a big hug, whispering in my ear. “I’ll talk to Jackson.”
“We’ll be back in a couple hours. It was nice seeing you again, Luna,” Petey says.
I nod, watching the two of them put their helmets on. Petey tugs at Charlotte’s strap, making sure it’s on tight. As they ride off, tears stream down my face.
“I never had a dad around. Then I met Bill, Jesse’s dad, and he adopted me. Having him in my life repaired something I didn’t even realize was damaged. Then I met Petey and Charlotte, and little by little, I learned I could trust men … a few at least.”
My mind goes to my brother and Mila and then to Dan and Khloe.
“Carson is a stand-up guy. Just like his dad.”
“I know that …” But my mind is a little bitch.
“I’d like to tell you there is a quick fix, but time … time and a willingness to keep trying. There are still times I almost scrub my skin clean off, but I don’t beat myself up for it anymore. I just accept it and move on. I refuse to let my past rule my present.”
“I hate him.”
“There you go … now you’re putting the blame where it needs to be.”
“I hated the way he crawled into my bed at night.” I pause for a moment. “The way he took my hand …”
Katie listens as I go through the list of things I hate. She doesn’t stop me. She doesn’t run away. She just bears witness to the things I’ve never said out loud.
And when I’m finished, she lights up a cigarette and hands it to me.
My hands shake as I wipe tears from my face with one hand, bringing the smoke to my lips with the other.
“I bet that felt good,” she says, settling back in her chair.
“Actually, it did.” I laugh and cough at the same time.
“So, you’re sending the twins off on a mission?”
“You heard that, huh?”
She laughs. “I’ve got to be one step ahead of that girl.”
I smile. “She’s a sweetheart.”
Katie raises an eyebrow. “She’s on a mission of her own, you know? She plans on taking over this club someday.”
We both laugh.
“These men have no idea what’s coming for them, do they?”
She shakes her head. “No. No, they don’t.”
I tap the book Charlotte gave me against my knee. “Thank you for talking to me.”
“Anytime.”