Chapter Nine #2
And I kept it that way. I was too scared of trusting someone else.
I went that way until I met Alina.
I couldn’t explain it. But it must be the kindred spirits that we had. A similar fate.
Even if hers was more dangerous than mine, I could see she was running from her past almost immediately.
I still didn’t know why, but it was me that pushed through her walls. Maybe because I could see how alone she felt, and how much she was hurting.
Same as I did with Carter.
“Dynamo?”
I shook myself from the stroll down the memory lane, and looked at Carter. “Derek Brooks, my ex.”
“You ex?”
“He wasn’t a good boyfriend. That’s why he got that nice nickname.”
Carter looked at me, waiting. When I didn’t say anything, he did. “What did he do?”
“It’s better to ask what he didn’t do?” I quipped, trying to steer us away from the conversation that was unraveling.
I didn’t like to think about that time in my life.
“What. Did. He. Do?”
“The usual,” I shrugged my shoulders hoping that would be enough.
When it was obvious that it wasn’t because Carter stood still and waiting for me to continue, I sighed, “He controlled everything about me, making me feel worthless. He also isolated me. I lost all my friends over the year we’ve been together.
He also gambled, losing every penny I brought home.
And of course he cheated every chance he got. ”
I swallowed. “He decimated my world, dismantling it brick by carefully laid brick, until there was nothing left but the pain.”
I took a bite of my breakfast, hoping that would be the end of the conversation. It tasted like ash in my mouth. When Carter stood still and didn't say a word for two minutes, the silence grated over my skin, and I asked, “Did you watch that film Enough?”
His butterflies were fluttering their wings, but he asked, “Enough?”
“Yeah,” I said, a small smile teasing my lips.
“Jennifer Lopez plays the main part. I know lots of people don’t like her, but she was spectacular in that film.
Anyway, “ I shook my head to get me back on track. “ In the movie she and her daughter escape from her abusive husband, but he won’t leave them alone. He tracks them across the country, threatening her, and hurting the people she loves. Finally, she’s had enough,” I flicked my hand out to emphasize the word.
“And decided to train so she could kick his ass and be able to defend against him. Somehow he finds out where she and her kid are living, and comes into her house. They again escape, but our Jennifer now really has had enough and decides to deal with him. After more months of training, she goes to his house, and kicks his ass. Actually, he ends up dead, but that really was in self-defense, because even though she was planning to kill him in the first place, she eventually has a change of heart. However, the stupid fuck couldn’t accept that she gave him a good beating, and comes after her while she had her back turned to him. ”
I glanced at Carter only to see a fire burning in his cognac eyes. “But I wasn’t like our Jenny from the block. I didn’t want to run from him my whole life, and train in the hopes I would be able to defend myself if he came after me.”
“What did you do?” His voice was like torn paper. But somehow it soothed me.
“I started to train after the first time he slapped me across the face. I took defense classes, and did some other ones. And after he broke my ribs because he lost at the table and somehow that was my fault, I fought back.”
Carter’s chin jerked back, but he didn’t say a word.
“I actually think one of his balls is still hiding behind his sternum, I kicked them so hard.”
I took another bite, and this one tasted heavenly, “A few weeks later, I went back to get my stuff. He wasn’t at home. But I did leave him a goodbye letter.”
He arched a brow at that.
“A good bye letter that said he couldn’t come under a hundred feet of me.
And I also decorated the apartment we lived in using water and fire in a selected few places with a note that said if he ever thought of ignoring my letter, all he had to do is remember my decorating skills.
Kissed that security deposit goodbye but it was worth it. ”
“You walked out of that relationship like a pure Dynamo,” he muttered.
I shrugged, “I guess you’re right.”
He looked at me for a beat, then two, then he threw his head back and roared with laughter.
I felt like lightning had struck me. A current so strong went through me, I swayed on my feet.
All I wanted to do at that moment was go to him, and demand that he kiss me.
I didn’t though. The pull he had on me was stronger than ever before.
But I managed to stay still and looked down at the plate in my hands, listening to the most beautiful music I’ve ever heard knowing it was probably the only time I got to hear it, and wishing I could get more.
More of his laughter. More of him. My heart cracked when I remembered that would never happen.
But I would carry the gift he had given me that morning with me, safely tucked away in my heart forever.
“Who’s glaring at the dish in their hands now?”
I shook myself from my pity party, and locked my gaze with Carter’s.
I was strong, damnit.
I pulled myself from the depths of hell, I could do this.
I could ask for what I wanted.
“You didn’t come in last night?” My words sounded like an accusation. Hell, they were an accusation.
His brows creased, and a muscle in his jaw pulsed, “Come in where?”
“In the living room. While I was playing.”
Carter’s eyes bore into mine as if he was trying to read my mind, “It sounded like you needed to be alone.”
“No, it sounded like I was singing for you.”
Carter looked like I slapped him, but soon longing washed over him so strong I had to fight to breathe.
He put his plate down on the counter next to him, and moved towards me.
I was waiting, holding my breath, scared even to breathe, not wanting to spook him like he was some kind of wild animal.
He came to a stop in front of me. His gaze tracking my face, and zeroing in on my mouth.
God, was this it?
Was he finally going to kiss me?
I wanted to touch him, wanted his kiss so bad, I could almost weep.
My heart beat a new rhythm in my chest, one that screamed his name branding it against my ribs.
A beep sounded and Carter closed his eyes firmly, jerking back and taking a few steps away, until he bumped into the kitchen island behind him.
He reached over, took his mug and a sip of coffee and only then did he look at me.
There was nothing in his eyes when he glanced at me, nothing but coldness that chilled me to my bones, “Don’t do that, Dynamo. Don’t sing for me. I’m the last person on this Earth who deserves your light. My place is in the shadows.”
He didn’t wait for my answer. He turned, went to the counter and picked up his phone, and walked away firmly closing himself into his office.
But the image of Carter’s longing was all I could see in my mind.
It was an answer to all my questions. Sure, he felt the same.
But there was no chance in hell that anything would ever happen.
He wouldn’t take that first step. And with the way I was burned, there was no chance of me doing the same, no matter how much I craved him. I just had to live with that truth.
It would make for good lyrics at least.