Chapter Thirteen
Harley
I yawned, and shuffled my feet down the hallway only to come up to an empty kitchen.
Again. I got used to seeing Carter waiting for me every morning with coffee and breakfast ready.
But for the last week that hasn’t happened.
Sure, he was around. He had to be since he had to protect me twenty-four-seven.
And we did spend time together, going out for walks, and sitting in the living room while I played softly and he read a book.
He even brought his laptop and set it up so we could watch movies, but it was like he wasn’t really there.
Since Max's visit, there has been no coffee or breakfast for me. I don’t know what happened that day, but Carter retreated behind his walls.
The pang of longing and pain hit me, and I rubbed at my sternum to relieve the ache.
I didn’t want to think about how much that hurt, but I had a poet's soul that thrived on suffering so I couldn’t escape it.
How much I wanted him, how much it hurt that he pushed me away, how shut off he seemed.
It was constantly on my mind, and I had only one choice.
I poured everything into the music. I knew I would eventually have to walk away, to let him live his life, but I couldn’t even try to imagine it without blinding pain coursing through me, so I showed my head in the sand and instead of pulling away, of protecting my heart, I was just there.
There for him in the only way he would let me.
I walked over to the kitchen counter and pulled the coffee maker to me. Shaking up my hand, I pushed the long sleeve of my oversized hoodie up to my elbow.
I tried to busy my mind with the morning preparations to give it a brief respite from thinking about Carter, but it was to no use.
I couldn't help but keep wondering why he was pushing me away.
I could see that this wasn’t even what Carter wanted, it was clear on his face, and in his movements that he was in pain, but something was keeping him at arm’s length, and until he decided otherwise, we were just two people forced to live under the same roof.
“Morning,” his voice, raspy from underuse, slid over my overheated skin, sending shivers down my spine.
“Morning,” I whispered to the coffeemaker, not looking up.
I couldn’t.
I knew if I saw his sleepy eyes, his hair sticking in all directions, and that stubble on his face, I would beg him for a chance.
“Want some breakfast?”
“Like I would say no,” I huffed.
He chuckled, but didn’t say anything else.
It was grating on my nerves, this silence that came to live between us.
Carter seemed oblivious to it, as he busied himself with preparing our breakfast.
Once it was done, I poured each of us a cup, and slid his coffee down the counter to him, “Here you go.”
“Thanks,” he muttered, his focus on the bubbling pancakes.
I crossed to the island and sat down. I was getting tired of this. I wanted him back. Even in that minimal part he gave to me, I wanted it.
He slid the plate to me, and sat down, “How’s the writing going?”
I almost choked on air from the shock that he asked a question.
“Um,” I cleared my throat. “Good.”
“I hear you at all hours of the night. Do you usually write that late?”
I frowned, “I’m not keeping you up, am I? I try to be as quiet as possible.”
I hated the idea of him losing sleep because of me. The last few days, the blue rims under his eyes had turned purple-ish. “You do look tired. You not getting enough sleep?”
Carter glanced at me, “No, don’t worry about it. I just have a lot on my plate now.”
Even that minimally personal question was a no-go zone.
“Do you have any leads on who might be after me?”
He shook his head as he chewed. “No, nothing.”
I looked out the window. I didn’t like this. I didn’t like not knowing why someone was after me. What had I done to guarantee this kind of behavior?
“We’re going back on tour in a few days,” I muttered. I wasn’t so sure I wanted to go back anymore.
Even with the state of things between us, I felt safe here. Cared for.
I knew, once we got back into the mayhem of it all, it would all go away. There was much more space for Carter to put between us on tour. More shadows to retreat to.
He leaned back in his stool, “You don’t look too happy about it.”
I pushed the food around on my plate not willing to look up and let him see the pain that just thinking about leaving this place brought me.
“I know we still didn’t get him, but you’ll be fine. You’ll be safe. I pulled more men and they will be with the rest of the team once we get back. They won’t be visible, and no one outside the team will know about them, but they'll be there. You’re going to stay safe.”
Damn him, and his observing eyes. I hated that he could see everything, but still chose to be blind to what really mattered. “I’m fine. It’s going to be good. Besides, I can’t let the fans and the label down. Not after how much they put into me.”
Carter eyed me thoughtfully.
“Why do you do it?”
The question came out of nowhere.
I looked up at him, “Do what?”
“Why do you put yourself out there like that?”
I chuckled, “You mean why do I perform? It’s a high like no other.
The feeling I get when thousands of people sing my songs back to me, to know they have a good time because of me.
Because of my music,” I shook my head lightly, “It’s indescribable.
I never saw myself as a great musician. Never even thought about trying to reach for it, but once it found me, I knew I couldn’t let it go.
To be a part of someone’s life, to bring joy and share happiness.
Or to be a comfort in their rough times, it’s… . It's become vital for me.”
Carter watched me, something working behind his cognac eyes, “That’s not what I mean.”
I tiled my head, “What do you mean then?”
“You give your whole self to them. To your fans. Your inner thoughts, your most private feelings. It’s all for grabs.”
I frowned. “No, I don’t.”
“Yes, you do,” Carter nodded like he wanted that level of confirmation that his words were true.
“I hear your words. I’ve now seen how you write.
And I feel the strain when you put everything in a melody or on a paper.
You pour yourself, your true self into your music.
It’s no wonder that someone fixated on that.
People can feel this level of honesty, of rawness.
And most of them, they’ll appreciate it.
But some, some will want to tear it to pieces. ”
I felt my lips part as his words hit me. Each one felt like a velvet blow. Each one fed my battered heart and lonely soul.
No one has ever seen me this clearly. No one has ever paid that much attention to me, to my art.
“And I didn’t hear the new stuff, I just heard you murmuring to yourself, or humming the melody, but I can feel it’s more. More than before. More you.”
How could it be that he’s seen so much, paid that much attention to me, and still refused to let go of whatever was keeping him away from me?
The question had anger curling in my belly.
The feeling of it was so hot, so uncomfortable, I couldn’t help but to lash out, “My lyrics are none of your business.”
I wanted him to yell at me that I was wrong. That it was his business. That I was his business. I wanted to push his buttons so he would react. So he would give me something.
Carter blinked at me, the cognac in his eyes going dark brown, but all I got was, “You’re right.” in a controlled voice.
I felt like he slapped me. “What?”
“You’re right. It’s none of my business,” his voice was cold.
Pain like I haven’t felt before surged up my throat. It was choking me, and I had to let it out.
I couldn’t go on like this anymore. I had to know.
“Do you even like me? Or am I just a paycheck?” I croaked. I hated that my voice broke. Hated that I showed him that weakness.
Carter’s jaw worked back and forth, “I’m your protection,” his words stung. “That’s it. I’m here to keep you safe. Nothing more.”
I felt my heart shattering into a million pieces, each piece tearing me up inside.
Looking down at my half eaten breakfast, I put the fork down, and stood up.
Without looking at him, I turned around and walked to my bedroom. I half expected him to call after me, even though I knew he wouldn’t. He wouldn’t cross that boundary.
The first tear came as I came to the door of my bedroom. Making sure I closed them softly, I slid down the wall.
I swallowed down my sobs, so he wouldn’t hear them. It hurt. Each swallow burned. But I stayed silent. I would not give him the satisfaction of knowing how much his words hurt.
I didn’t know how much I could take.
Unfortunately, I knew I had no strength to walk away.
I frowned at the music sheet in front of me,” What’s wrong with this?”
I was still holed up in my room. I have been since morning.
Carter came twice and knocked lightly on my door, telling me it’s time for lunch, and then dinner.
I ignored him both times.
It hurt too much to go out and be near him. I needed time to get my armor back to its formal glory. I knew if I went feeling like I did and was next to him, I would crumble down. And that gift, he wasn’t going to get.
He didn’t get to see how much he came to mean to me.
But, he would hear even if he didn’t know the words were meant for him.
So, I stayed closed off the whole day, doing what I did best.
Pouring all my despair into the music.
I took the pencil and tweaked a few notes. “That’s it,” I smiled at my only real companion through life.
Picking up the guitar that Carter gave me, I strung the strings softly.
Perfect.
Then I set out and tried to heal my weeping soul.
There, for only the moon to see, I hummed my most personal song. The one that no one would ever know about. That one was only for me. Me and Carter.
I hummed and let the tears fall, knowing I could never sing it to him. He would never know how much I wanted him.
I whispered the words of longing and love. Words meant for him, but held by me.
Words he would never hear or see.
I had to get it out. I had to or they would choke the life out of me.
I knew he didn’t want them, and I was not the kind of person to force them on him.
But, I had to let them out.
I had to let Carter go even though I knew deep down, he would never be gone. I didn’t expect it, couldn’t even dream it would happen, but somewhere along the line in the month that he’s been with me, Carter Ryan became a part of me.
And this was the only way I knew how.
But, the night would hold that secret for me.
And every time I looked up and saw the moon, I knew, someone saw deep into my heart. And I wasn’t all alone in the wind.