Chapter Twelve
Carter
The ax split the wood sending the two halves flying in opposite directions as sweat gathered at the small of my back.
Usually, the release of a hard work or heavy workout brought me back to focus, but it wasn’t cutting it today.
The vice around my torso had me in a too tight grip.
I put the next piece on the thump, brought the ax over my head and swung over.
“What’s got you so wrung tight?”
I jerked my gaze up. Max was casually strolling from the woods edge over to me with a backpack slung over his shoulders. “What’re you doing here’”
He jolted the pack on his back, “Provisions.”
“Forgot about that,” I mumbled.
He rolled his eyes, “Figured something like that would happen.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
He just gave me a look I chose to ignore. I was in no mood for one of his Yoda-type talks.
“You’re early,” I said, eyeing him.
“Yeah, well,” Max sighed. “I was on the road when Chace called and told me what happened. I planned on stopping along the road to get some shut eye. But when the word came down, I nixed that idea and came right on through.”
I grunted but kept my shout.
I didn’t want to give more fuel to Max’s worry.
He needed to see we were all good, not for me to have a breakdown.
I went back to work.
The steady beat of the sound of wood splitting in two, and then the thump as I put another piece on the thump soothing my fried edges a little.
Max stood five feet for me, quiet, his eyes tracing my every more.
I knew he was biding his time. There was no way in hell he wouldn’t say something.
I could feel his eyes as he looked at me, trying to figure me out, hoping to see what had me out in the cold doing a chore that didn’t need to be done since the overhang behind me was full of prepared firewood.
I could only hope that he wouldn’t look too closely.
“Do you need something that will hit you, or is just decimating enough?” Max asked conversationally.
I arched my brows, “You offering, old man?”
Max gaped at me, the palm of his hand hitting his chest, “Take those ugly words back.”
I just stood there panting, not looking away.
He shook his head, and dropped the backpack next to the wall of the cabin before sitting down on the dirt. “Such a rude motherfucker, calling me old.”
Max, always playing overdramatic.
“Whatever.”
He sat there, watching me split wood in silence like he had all the time in the world. I kept expecting him to launch into one of his speeches, but he never did. Just plucked the grass here and there, and watched me.
“How’s Harley?” He asked casually after what felt like an hour.
“Fine. She was in the living room grumbling at her guitar when I came out.”
He looked at me, a muscle in his cheek ticked. He was expecting me to say something else. To elaborate why I was out here in the cold, pouring out my aggression on the wood we didn’t need.
Max went back to his plucking while I ignored his worried glances.
“Do you think that you have enough, or is it still coursing through you?”
I let the ax fly as my way of answer.
He grunted like I hit him, and not the wood. “Get it all out.”
His words were a blow. If only he knew it was impossible. I would never be rid of this feeling inside me. It was like a living, breathing thing. Trapping me in the shadows I couldn’t find my way out of.
Something hit me then. For the first time in my life, I wanted to leave the shadows behind.
I’ve seen the flashes of light Harley brought with her, and felt its heat.
I was so tired of the dark, of the guilt and shame eating away at me.
Of fear of losing someone else I cared about, of not being able to save them, trapping me in darkness.
But, I couldn’t take that step. I couldn’t risk it.
Even if I hated it with every piece of me, staying away was safer.
I burrowed the reaction his words had on me, and my epiphany, not letting Max see.
I let my moves become automatic. I didn’t want to think about anything. I just wanted for this fear to finally leave my system. But, it didn’t work. Nothing ever did.
The picture of Harley sleeping flashed in my head.
My heart started thumping in my chest with a wild beat. Sweat coated my palms, and my breath came out in short bursts.
“Fuck,” I roared as I brought the ax down, and jammed it into the thump.
Max jumped to his feet and was in front of me in a second. His concerned gaze was all I could see.
“I’ll be fine,” I muttered and gripped the handle of the ax again.
Max studied me, frowning, “You want to tell me what has you out here doing unnecessary stuff? This isn’t just about the photo from last night. There’s something else going on.”
I looked up at him, swallowing. It was on the tip of tongue to spill all. Still, I swallowed the words down.
“Talk to me,” Max growled.
I shrugged, “I didn’t get much sleep last night, and then Harley was too rattled to sit still. She finally realized this was not some fan who got overly excited. That she’s in real danger.”
Max let out a huff, “It’s not just that. There’s something else. Something that has you in a vice so strong you can hardly breathe. I see it, brother. Hell, I can almost feel it, it’s so potent in you. But you still refuse to talk to me.”
“Yeah?” I let go of the ax, and pushed Max.
I’ve had enough. Enough of feeling I didn’t belong, enough of Max prying and trying to fix me.
Enough of Rory meddling and pulling me back into the fold.
And enough of Chace thinking he knew best. I loved my family, but they needed to back the fuck up.
Unfortunately for Max, he was the only one here.
“Like you came to me when shit with Sky hit the fan? Like that?”
Max looked at me like I was suddenly sporting two heads, “You were on a job. I knew you couldn’t be there.”
His words only made rage pulse through me.
“I would drop everything and come in a heartbeat if I knew what was going on,” I roared.
I pushed my hand into my hair, and down to my neck where I squeezed the painful muscles, “But, you didn’t give me a choice.
When I was home, you didn’t lead on that anything was going on.
Didn’t even give a hint. We just went like normal, fucking with Rory for fucking game tickets, and hiding Jason for shits and giggles.
And the fucker went along with it. Having a good ol ' time. None of you said a goddamned word. And then, I came back to the dust settling. You took away my chance to stand beside you, and I almost lost you.”
Guilt shone in Max’s eyes, “Carter, there was nothing you could’ve done. Besides, you were just starting out. Building up your business, making a name for yourself. You needed to focus.”
“I needed to make sure my brother and his woman were safe, more.”
“Carter, I’m sorry,” Max’s words were so soft, I almost didn’t hear them.
Guilt, pain and fear lifted up in a tide in me then. The mix was so strong, I could barely take a breath, “I can't do it.”
Max blinked, “ You can’t do what?”
My hands started shaking, I almost lost my feet with how hard the fear gripped me, “I can’t give in to her.”
Understanding dawned in Max’s eyes, “You care about her.”
“I can’t do it,” I shook my head, and looked to the ground.
Fear, and shame consumed me. I was supposed to keep her safe.
How I was gonna do that, while also keeping my hands to myself, and my sanity intact, I had no idea.
“And why not? Why can’t you give in. Why can’t you give yourself something that’s clear you both want?”
My vision tunneled, and I blinked trying to clear it, “Because I can’t lose her too.”
Max gripped my bicep, “Carter-”
“I know how that feels. I’ve seen it firsthand.
Hell, we all did. Seeing mom like that, it broke me, Max.
And with everything that happened the last few years, I know I’m not strong enough to go through something like that.
Not again. Not like you, Rory and Chace are.
I don’t have it in me.” But it would hurt so much more with Harley.
She was becoming the very air I breathed.
I couldn’t give in only to have it lost in a blink of an eye.
No, this was better. No matter if it was tearing my insides, this was safer. For both of us.
Max gripped the back of my neck, bringing my forehead to his. “I know how much it hurts. I remember, brother. And I know the fear that lives inside you. I feel it every damned day when I watch Sky walk out of our house. But, it’s worth it. It’s worth-”
I pulled away from his grasp. “Don’t”
“You have to let it all out. You have to talk about it. About Dad. I see you pulling away from us, more and more each day. You’re breaking the bonds with your family, and if you don’t talk about it, you'll be left all alone in the shadows. We won’t be able to reach you no matter what we do.
” His tone had a pleading note to it but I was too far gone to grant his plea.
The images started playing on a loop in my mind.
Harley in bed, in my home sleeping.
Rory’s tear streaked face in the hospital room.
Jason’s ravaged one as he begged to be let in and be with Rory.
My mom kneeling in front of the two officers begging for the words that would never come.
Dad saying goodbye and going to work.
My breath became ragged, I couldn’t get enough air in my lungs.
“Fuck,” I wheezed bending down pressing my palms to my knees.
“Carter,” Max called but it was like he was calling from a distance. My vision blurred. I clawed at my neck, but nothing helped, I couldn’t get my lungs to work. I couldn’t breathe.
Hands gripped the sides of my neck and tilted my head up, “Carter. Hey, breathe.”
I could barely make out Max through my blurred vision.
I tried to focus on his hands on my skin, tried to feel the heat of them.
His fingers flexed into my skin in a rhythm I could follow.
“Take a breath,” he said.
I closed my eyes and inhaled.
Then let it out slowly.
The air stung my windpipe, but it got to my lungs.
After the third inhale it got marginally better and I opened my eyes.
Max looked at me, concern written all over him.
“I’m fine,” I pushed at his hands.
Max’s eyes flashed and turned darker.
“You’re not. You’re closing yourself in. You need to talk to someone.”
“I’ll be okay. And I don’t need to talk.” I walked two steps away from him. I needed space. I needed to breathe.
Max frowned, “Either you get your shit together, and I don’t care who with, or I’m sicking Rory on your ass.”
I scowled, “There’s no need to do that.”
Max took a step and gripped the side of my head, “You deserve everything that’s good on this Earth, brother.
What happened,” he shook his head, “It wasn’t your fault.
It wasn’t anybody’s fault except the fucker’s who pulled the trigger that killed Dad.
Mom knew the risk that comes with the job.
They both did. And they wouldn’t want you to close yourself to something good, something vital just because you’re scared. That’s not the son they raised.”
I kept my gaze on the ground. I knew Max’s words were true. Knew it down to my bones.
That didn’t mean that I wasn’t scared shitless. Just the thought of walking away from Harley once the job was done and she was safe, was ripping my insides. I couldn't imagine not having her in my life. But I still didn’t think I could cross that line.
“Do you hear me?” Max gritted out.
I jutted my chin in a barely there nod. But he got me.
Max slapped my face lightly, “I’m just a phone call away, Carter. You just need to pick up the damned phone.”
I felt like the biggest asshole, “I’m sorry I wasn’t there when you needed me.”
“No need for apologies. I knew, if I called, you would be there in a flash. But it wasn’t necessary. I wanted you to focus on your company. And honestly,” he shrugged. “I needed to prove to myself and to Skylar that I could and would keep her safe.”
I jerked my head in a nod.
I understood that need.
The same need lived in me when it came to Harley.
Max helped me clear the mess and to stack the chopped wood then. We worked in silence, but this time the strain of it was cleansing.
I went over the files in my mind, going through every possible alley there was, and trying to come up with a suspect.
“We need to comb over her team. It has to be someone from the inside,” the words left acid in my mouth.
I didn’t want to think it, but it all pointed that someone from her team was behind all of this.
“Do you have someone particular in mind?” Max lifted his eyebrows.
“Start with Tim and Sloane,” I said looking at the edge of the woods. “They’re the only ones from the top that know her location. And they have the means to pay a hacker.”
“Will do,” Max muttered and went back to work.
I looked to the other side then. To the largest window on the cabin.
A window that I couldn’t see anything through since the drapes were drawn. But I knew she was behind them. Safe.
For now.
“I’m going to find them,” I vowed. “I swear to God, I'll keep you safe, Dynamo.”