Chapter Eleven
Harley
My fingers stacked the stings of my guitar over and over again without any real melody.
Usually, the quiet mornings and softly playing the guitar would be enough to bring me peace no matter what happened the night before.
In all my years there was only one thing that brought me comfort.
My music. But this morning, my trusted release didn’t come close.
I flicked my fingers again, trying to get the sound to flow through me, moving my fingers over the neck, but only succeeding in making sound that grated on my nerve endings.
“Is it helping?”
I jolted and turned around at the sound of Carter’s voice, “What’re you doing?”
He arched his brow, walked around the couch and put the tray on the coffee table in front of me, “Making you breakfast like I do every morning.”
“Like I could eat anything right now,” I mumbled.
His expression softened, “Maybe you should rest for a bit.”
“Yeah, that would make it all better.”
He crossed his arms over his chest, and released a breath, “What would make everything better?”
Something was different about him this morning. I was used to him scowling at me, but that was usually coupled with a glint of amusement in his eyes. A flash of goodness told me that, even though he kept himself on a distance from me, he wasn’t at all detached like he wanted me to think.
And then I saw it. There was no spark in his eyes.
In the cognac brown I became obsessed with were shadows dancing for all to see.
Shadows he kept hidden.
Shadows he walked through alone.
My hand tightened around the neck of the guitar, and I pressed my palm flat on the strings, “For you to tell me what the hell is going on? How was someone able to watch me sleep in this fortress? And why the fuck am I the target in the first place?”
Carter winced, “Last night, I got a picture in my email. A picture of you sleeping in this house.”
“Someone was inside?”
“No,” Carter rushed to explain. “I checked it, I checked everything and there was no sign of anyone ever coming in, or going out. I looked through the video fees and no one was around the property either.”
“Then how?” I whispered, my lips going numb.
“Every room has hidden cameras, except the bathrooms. Usually, the feed is stored on a drive that’s not connected to the internet. But, since you’re here, I had to give access to Chace and Max so they could keep an eye from a distance, in case..”
“In case something happened to you. Or me.”
“Yes,” Carter shifted then, “Someone got into the feed and pulled the still from the tape. It was two nights ago. The problem is, your whereabouts are not common knowledge.”
I frowned, my brain sluggish from lack of sleep, and not getting at what he was hinting at.
“So, whoever this is, that’s after me, they found out. Does that mean that we’re leaving?”
Just the thought of leaving this place sent a rough of sadness coursing through me. With how much I pretested when he brought me here, I now didn’t want to leave.
It was the first place where I felt completely safe. And even with what happened last night, that didn’t change.
“No,” Carter shook his head. “We’re not leaving. Not until you have to go back to touring. But, we are going to spread the word that we left for a new location.”
I tilted my head, “Okay.”
“You can’t tell no one about it.”
“Well, Sloan and Cassie need to know.”
Then it dawned on me, “You think someone broke into their computers, or whatever and got where we are that way.”
“Maybe.”
“But you’ll keep me safe,” the words came out on their own, without a trace of a doubt in them.
I could question a million things in my life, turn over a thousand occurrences in my head trying to see what really happened, or doubt hundreds of decisions I made, but one thing was true. I recognized it on a basic level, Carter would never let anything happen to me.
I just wished that he could be more than just a person who’s job was to protect me.
Because what he was doing was so much more. He was taking care of me. And I wanted that with all my heart.
Wanted him.
He grunted in response, shoved the tray away, sat down on the coffee table, rested his elbows on his knees and looked at his clasped hands like they held some top sacred and were about to whisper it to him.
When he just sat there, I mirrored his position, not looking away from him. It was more than just his demons visible in the light of day, dark half circles were under his eyes. “What’s wrong?”
He released a breath and looked up, but still he remained silent.
There was a war going on in his gaze then. A war I wasn’t sure if I wanted him to win or lose. I just knew I would have to stand by every way it went.
He just looked at me, almost as if he was daring me to look away, to admit defeat and let him be, but I wasn’t gonna do that.
I wouldn’t let him swim in denial any longer.
Instinctively, I knew, this was more than just what happened last night.
“I know you didn’t sleep last night. But there’s something more going on than just a creepy stalker faking the photos of me sleeping. ”
Carter swallowed, opened and closed his mouth, but he still didn’t say anything.
“Tell me.”
He slowly rubbed his palms against each other, his eyes tracing the motion, “You shouldn’t be able to see more. See what no one else does.”
I would always see more than others. I would make it my life mission of knowing every nuance about Carter Ryan, if he would let me, “These last weeks you had my back. Even when I tried to ditch you, you were there never letting something bad happen to me. You take care of me. Let me take care of you.”
Carter’s gaze lifted, revealing pain in his eyes that ricocheted through me, “You don’t want this, Dynamo.”
My heart gave a painful thump, “Don’t tell me what I want.”
He gave me a sad smile. “Thrust me, I know. I let down everyone I cared about. Was never there when my family needed me. Always having an excuse. But, I can’t. I can’t let anyone too close. Because I know the pain of losing them would destroy me.”
Oh God.
“I know it’s weak. But when you see your mother begging two men on her knees, to say that their words aren’t true, and that her husband wouldn’t be coming home ever again, it shifts something inside.
Makes you built walls so high and so strong, there’s never any chance of tearing them down. It’s better for everyone that way.”
“That’s not weak,” my voice cracked. “It just means that you care. You care so much that you absorbed the pain of your family. That you took on their hardships as your own. And it means that you’re scared of feeling that way again.”
The pain in Carter’s eyes melted in the back, and a look of such longing and loneliness came through, it took my breath away. Here was this man, a man who was doing everything he could to keep safe, and he was all alone.
I wanted to reach out, to take him in my arms, and promise him he would never again be alone, would never again feel that kind of pain. But life didn’t work that way.
All you could do was trust that you were strong enough to give yourself to someone else, and that everything would be okay.
I reached over tentatively, like I was coming closer to a wild animal. Slowly, I put my hand over his, “You don’t have to be alone. You don’t have to be scared. You don’t deserve to live your life alone, condemned to this self-imposed solitude.”
Carter shook his head, his gaze on our hands, “I can’t. I can’t live like that. I can’t be brave like you.”
“It’s not easy. It’s the hardest thing I had to do. But picking yourself up, and living your life how you want it is worth it.”
I knew he understood what I was asking of him without saying the words outwards.
I saw the way he reacted last night, felt his tremors while he was sitting beside me on my bed.
I wanted him to give it a shot. To give us a shot.
There was this pull between us. And after last night, I was certain it wasn’t just in my mind.
He was feeling it too. And his defenses were crumbling day by day. He just needed to let go of his fears.
Carter pulled his hand from mine then, and leaned deeper towards me. His hand grasped the back of my neck and squeezed. He pressed his forehead against mine, his breath tickled my lips, “Dynamo…”
A phone rang.
I wanted to kick whoever was calling ass as Carter jerked back from me.
“Yeah,” he muttered, standing up, and walking away like someone was chasing him for dear life.
What was I doing? Why was I pushing? Carter could have acted on this pull a hundred times already.
It wasn’t like I was playing coy. I was giving him clear indication that I was open to something to happen between us.
He just wasn’t willing to tear down his walls for me.
Maybe last night has shifted something between us, but it would never be what it had potential to be.
Carter would always stay firmly in his role of my bodyguard, behind the line of professionalism he drew in the sand.
And I had to accept it, no matter how much it hurt.
He strode back into the living room, extending his hand holding the phone to me, “It’s for you.”
I reached up, and took the phone, “Hello.”
“Hey, girl,” Alina’s soft voice came over the speaker. Suddenly I felt like crying. “Are you doing okay?”
I nodded even though she couldn’t see me, “I’m fine.”
“Bullshit,” she called me up on my lie. “Chace told me what happened.”
“It’s okay. I’m okay. Carter made sure I was safe. And he laid out a new plan this morning. So, everything is fine.” I was aware I was babbling.
“I know you’re strong, babe. Proved it time and again. But it’s okay to fall apart. Especially when things get scary as they did.”
My stomach tightened painfully. “I’m fine.”
I wasn’t sure for whom I was repeating those words more. Alina, me. Or Carter who was standing by the fireplace, his arms crossed over his chest and a scowl firmly on his face watching my every move like he was ready to tear the phone from my ear at any sign of me falling apart.
“Do you have any idea who this could be?” Alina gently probed.
I squeezed my eyes closed firmly. I had gone over and over in my head trying to remember each and every person that crossed my path.
I went over every meet and greet I had with my fans.
Picking it apart and trying to find something that stood out.
Each and every time I came up blank. There was nothing that tripped my radar. Nothing out of the ordinary.
“I can’t think of a single person who could be behind this. I went over everything I could remember in my head, but I came up with big ole nothing.”
“But the guys suspect someone,” Alina’s voice had gone cold.
If you didn’t know her story, you would think that there was something wrong with her, that you should be scared of her when she went like that.
But I knew her, this was just her coping mechanism, something she learned early in her life that kept her safe.
I cleared my throat, “I told Carter about Derek.”
“Shit,” Alina cursed, fully aware of how monumental that was. I didn’t share what happened in my past. She was the only person who knew. “How’d he take it?”
My lips twitched remembering the murderous look in Carter’s eyes when I was telling the story, “Like he was about ready to haunt him and tear him limb from limb. But, I tamed that beast when I let him know I did my own ass kicking as farewell.”
A chuckle glided over my skin then made me shiver.
I looked up and over to Carter. He was grinning, a look of pride gleaming in his brown eyes.
“So you don’t think it’s him?” Alina asked.
“Honestly,” I shrugged. “I don’t see it. Derek was a lot of things. None of them are good. But he doesn’t have the patience I’m told this kind of thing requires. He was always more for an instant reward than anything else. That’s why his main vice are cards.”
“Maybe I should come up there. Have Chace bring me. I don’t like the idea of you being all alone in this.”
“No,” I clipped into the phone. “I don’t want you anywhere near this. We don’t know what could happen. Besides, I’m not alone. Carter’s here with me. The man you stronghold into taking the job.”
Alina’s gasp came over the phone, “How do you even know about that?”
“Oh, please,” I rolled my eyes. “It wasn’t hard to figure out.
I saw Tim and you standing in corners around the venues.
And I even heard the whispers of letters and such.
” I looked up at Carter, “I even knew about the break in in my apartment. It’s just that I thought it would all blow over.
The label called people in, and I was positive that by the end of the tour, whoever was doing this would be caught.
But when Carter said his last name, it wasn’t hard to line the dots.
I may ignore stuff, but I’m not stupid.”
“I’m sorry,” Alina said. “I knew it was wrong to keep stuff for you. But you went through so much, I just wanted to help somehow and to give you peace you deserve.”
My vision blurred, “It wasn’t okay, but I know it came from the right place. That’s why I was giving you all that play.”
“Are you sure you don’t want me to come up? I can be there tomorrow.”
I straighten, “Do not come-”
The phone was no longer in my hand. I blinked and all I could see were the muscles in Carter’s back as they flexed with each step he took, “Don’t worry, Alina.
She’ll be safe here. I got here. No one will come near the cabin without us knowing.
And Carter and Max are tightening the security as we speak.
New firewalls are being installed too. No one will cut into the feed again. ”
He stopped talking and listened for a moment. “I said, I've got her.”
The muscles in his back became more pronounced as his whole body turned to stone, “This is not a game for me, Alina. Nor is a normal job. I’m fully aware they’re escalating and that things can get from bad to worse in a second. You do not need to tell me that.”
I knew what he wasn’t saying. The next chance he got, maybe the pictures or my rooms wouldn’t be enough. It was obvious that my lyrics weren't. Whatever their end game was, one thing was obvious.
It was me.