Chapter Sixteen
Andrew was stalled. In a funk, as Phil put it. He’d grudgingly agreed to be in the wedding and had taken incompletes on his finals, but as far as Cassie could tell he’d made no plans for the summer. And he hadn’t said whether he intended to go back to school in the fall.
Dr. Milburn had recommended a therapist, but despite Cassie’s nudging, Andrew hadn’t made an appointment.
This morning she’d dragged him along to the grocery store, hoping they could talk, but he was loitering near the shopping cart in a fog of boredom.
“How about pasta primavera?” she suggested, selecting a couple of zucchinis.
He shrugged. “Whatever.”
“Or I can make you and Grandpa a steak with pasta on the side. Or veggies if you don’t want pasta.
” She couldn’t help thinking of poor Glenn, who’d turned himself inside out about that roast. She’d almost broken down and eaten it so he wouldn’t feel bad.
She was surprised he was such a meat eater.
Besides being unhealthy, it wasn’t very green.
She hadn’t pointed that out though, he’d been upset enough already.
She smiled to herself. But they’d gotten past it.
She chose a package of snap peas and a bunch of asparagus, which were a reasonable three ninety-nine a pound.
Ciccarelli’s, Laurelton’s upscale family-owned grocery, had a nice selection of organics and a lovely cheese counter, where they would slice you a taste.
So much easier than shopping in the city, where the aisles were narrow and congested and you had to lug your groceries home or pay to have them delivered.
She did miss some things about the city, but grocery shopping wasn’t one of them.
“Why don’t you push,” she said to Andrew, who was lagging behind.
She’d hoped a change of scenery might do him good, but going out in public seemed to require more effort than he could muster.
“You need to make an appointment with that therapist. You’ve been home almost a month, and you’ve hardly left the house. ”
“I’m out of the house right now.”
“You know what I mean. You need to talk to someone—a professional. Grandpa and I don’t count. I mean we do, but I’m worried about you.”
“I’m fine,” he muttered. But he didn’t look fine. He had the exhausted look of someone who hadn’t slept in weeks even though that was all he’d been doing.
She tossed in a box of Grape-Nuts, the only cereal her dad would eat. “Promise me you’ll call when we get home.”
“Today?”
“Yes today. Maybe you can get an appointment for later this week.”
“Can we get Fig Newtons?” he said as they rounded the cookie aisle.
“Sure.” At least he was showing an interest in something. As a little boy, Andrew had loved Fig Newtons, declared them his favorite before he realized there were better cookies like Oreos. “I haven’t bought Fig Newtons in ages. I used to crave them when I was pregnant with you.”
“You did? Is that why I liked them?”
She smiled. “I don’t think it works that way. You probably liked them because that’s all you knew. Whole wheat or regular?”
“I don’t know.” He gazed at the acres of cookies in a haze of indecision.
She waited for him to make up his mind. “Sweetie?” An anxious thrumming had started in her stomach. Andrew had never been indecisive about cookies. “Just get something, whatever you want.”
“Forget it. I don’t want any.”
“I wish you’d talk to me,” she said miserably.
He turned on her so fiercely she stepped back. “You’ll hate me,” he said.
“Oh Andrew.” Tears welled in her eyes. “I could never hate you. I love you. You know that. Whatever happened wasn’t your fault.”
“It was my fault.”
“The review board suspended all of you.”
“The review board didn’t know everything.”
A slow dread rose in her chest. What on earth could he have done?
She knew her son better than anyone, had been smitten with him from the moment he was born.
She knew his caution about trying new things, his moodiness when he was hungry, the smile that stopped her because it was so much her own.
Even now, she could still spot the germ of her sweet gentle boy.
But what did you really know once your child went into the world and left you behind? Only what they wanted you to see. Had she been so wrapped up with her own problems she didn’t notice signs of trouble, or had he quietly, subversively gone astray?
“I have most of what we need,” she said. “Let’s get out of here.”
Checkout was excruciatingly slow—the elderly woman ahead of them had an expired coupon, and the checker had to call for assistance.
Then the woman counted out her bill in cash.
Cassie’s stomach knotted, trying to imagine what Andrew had done or thought he’d done.
She’d suspected all along that he hadn’t told her everything, but such a horrible accident couldn’t be his fault.
Still. The weight of his silence bore down on her.
Outside, the day had become warm and sticky, more like August than May, and the asphalt radiated a metallic heat. Another shopper clattered by with a loaded cart.
“Let’s go somewhere quiet,” Cassie said.
She headed toward home, pulling over alongside the Kingsley property, the part that was still unscathed.
“What are you doing?” Andrew said.
She opened the door. “How about a walk?”
Andrew reluctantly hauled himself out of the car, and they stepped into the woods. It felt immediately cooler, the trees already impenetrable with the lush green of summer.
They walked in silence on the soft ground for a couple of minutes and she waited for him to speak, her heart beating in her throat.
“We wanted to get Jack trashed,” Andrew said finally. “He’s such a lightweight. We thought it would be funny to see him totally smashed. Like, a couple of beers and he’s gone. The guys made this wicked strong punch. You know, like a Long Island iced tea thing.”
She nodded, a sick feeling in her gut.
He brushed away the tip of a branch that was in their way.
“So when he wasn’t looking I poured more Jack Daniels into his cup…
you know, Jack Daniels ’cause his name is Jack…
anyway, he was getting tanked and stumbling around and Troy said we shouldn’t give him anymore, but me and Brandon, we were laughing and…
” He glanced at her quickly, then looked away.
“Actually, I was the one at that point. Brandon would have chilled. I don’t know why I didn’t.
I poured him more. Oh God, I don’t know why.
He could barely walk. Everyone else backed off and I didn’t. ”
He took a ragged breath, and she thought he might be done.
Prayed he was done because hearing it was unbearable.
That her son had done this. Deliberately intoxicated a vulnerable boy.
But he went on. “I gave him more and he didn’t even notice, that’s how lit he was.
I was pretty drunk too. We all were.” He swiped a hand over his eyes.
“Some girls were there and we were being idiots and oh Mom…” He was sobbing now, and no matter what he’d done it tore a hole in her heart to see him cry.
“And then he fell, I don’t know how. He was standing there, then everyone was screaming. Guys tried to get him up, and his head didn’t look bloody or anything. They were telling him he was okay, but he wasn’t moving.” He looked at her, his face ravaged. “He wasn’t okay. He’ll never be okay.”
He cried in her arms as a jay clamored overhead.
She held him fiercely, as if she could draw him back into her and birth an unblemished child who hadn’t yet stumbled and caused pain.
Because that’s what life was, a series of stumbles.
Some minor and some catastrophic. Some you got over and some you never did.
She held him with every ounce of strength because he was her son, and the thought of that other mother and son was too terrible to bear.
She kissed his wet cheek. “I love you.”
He pulled back. “Am I a terrible person?”
She sighed deeply. “You’d be a terrible person if you didn’t have a conscience. But you do have a conscience, Andrew. And I don’t think it’s going to let you alone.”
“I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I’m so sorry.”
She took his face in her hands. His beautiful face. Pale and swollen from crying. He was hurting, but another boy was hurting more. Another boy was damaged and might never be whole.
“Don’t apologize to me,” she said. “I’m not the one who needs to hear it.”
. . .
Cassie’s dad had put on his bee suit right after lunch even though Glenn wasn’t supposed to be there until two. Now he was peering out the window.
“He’s not coming for another hour,” Cassie said. “At least take off the veil.”
He reluctantly removed the veil but refused to get out of the suit. He’d gotten all bolloxed up while she was on a call and came tramping upstairs to look for her. She’d had to excuse herself to zip him up, then help him downstairs so he wouldn’t trip.
“Where’s Andrew?” she said with a tug of anxiety. Come to think of it, she hadn’t seen Andrew all morning. His confession was eating her up, and she’d almost told Phil, but it wasn’t her place to tell him. Andrew had to do that.
Her father glanced around. “I haven’t seen him.”
She got her dad out to the porch, which was in shade. He could wait for Glenn there. Better than pacing in front of the window. Upstairs, Andrew’s door was closed. She knocked, but he didn’t answer. She left him alone for now. She would check on him later.