20. Jason
Where is she? I try not to pace as I stand near the theater entrance, waiting for Alexis. My parents and sister are already inside, along with my castmates and most of the other premier guests. I shake out my hands and tug on my suddenly tight collar. Even after decades of acting, premier night always puts me on edge.
My phone dings and I nearly shout with relief. She obviously got caught up in traffic and will be here shortly. I didn’t love that we had to arrive separately, but we were coming from different ends of L.A. and would have been dumb to try to come together.
But when I read her message, my heart sinks to my shoes. My eyes start to feel hot and itchy, and I quickly realize it’s because I’m about to cry. Fuck, this hurts.
Alexis:I’m so sorry, Jason, I got called in. I know tonight is going to be amazing. I wish I could be there.
“You could be,” I whisper at the screen, using the heel of my palm to wipe away the tears that’ve managed to fall. “You’re choosing not to.”
In a daze, I reply, then head into the theater, no longer nervous about the premier. Instead, all I feel is disappointment.
***
I’m exhausted as I step off the elevator and start to head down the hall. The cast and crew afterparty lasted well into the early morning, and when I normally would have bowed out, I stayed, trying to drown my frustration in alcohol and friends. Which I mostly regret since I now smell like a college bar and still feel just as shitty.
I do my best not to look at her door as I pass by, but fail completely. And instead of finding my bed, I find myself staring at Alexis. She must have been watching for me to pass by. She looks tired and distressed, her brow pinched, shadows under her eyes, and a suspicious shine in them. Seeing these clear signs of pain is a blow to the gut, and I silently follow her inside when I meant to spend a rare night alone in my apartment.
“Alexis, I’m beat. I just want to go to bed.” I scrub my hands over my face, trying to dispel some of my anxiety. We stand an awkward distance from each other in her living room. Alexis’ arms are around her abdomen, like she’s holding herself together.
“I’m tired too, Jason,” her voice is raw, catching as she says my name. “But we need to talk about this. I don’t want to go to bed until we do.”
It’s the quiet plea in her voice that makes me cave.
“Alright, you want to do this right now? Then fine.” My voice comes out wrong, angry sounding. She flinches, but lifts her chin, as if preparing herself for battle. But that’s not what I want. That’s never what I want.
“Alexis, you left me hanging tonight.” My voice cracks as the pain I felt earlier tonight rushes back, settling heavily in my chest.
“I know, I’m sorry.” She presses her lips together, blinking rapidly. “I just… I feel so much pressure right now, with work. And with the paparazzi fiasco, I needed to prove that I’m all in, that I’m not letting you distract me.”
I feel like she just slapped me. Distract her? Is that how she sees our relationship?
“So, what, because I’m not out saving people, my work isn’t worthy of your support?” I don’t bother trying to hide how hurt I am. I may not love my job, or how it makes me a public figure, but I’m still proud of my films, and I want her to be proud of me too.
“No!” She steps forward, reaching for me, but pulls short. Like she isn’t sure of what to do or say. “That’s not what I meant.” She rubs her forehead, eyes wide and distressed.
“I just mean that, as my residency winds down, I have to be all-in, especially if I want any chance of getting hired as an attending. This is the nature of my job; this is going to happen more often than you want. There are going to be times when I have to be a doctor first, and a girlfriend second. Can you understand that?”
I want to say no, but the truth is I do understand. The pressure on medical professionals is incredibly high, especially as the pandemic continues to put a strain on the system. And as an ER doctor, she’s often making life and death decisions for her patients.
Instead of fighting more, and risking everything, I close the distance between us and pull her into my arms. Holding tight. The ugly feeling in my chest easing as her head rests on my shoulder. Exactly where it belongs.