21. Alexis
“You’re right, I’m sorry. Let’s just go to bed.”
At first, my sleep deprived brain doesn’t really register what he’s saying, it’s just happy to be in his arms again. But once the words sink in, I pull back.
“Jason, no. Don’t do that. Don’t just give in and set your feelings aside like that.” My hands slide up to his cheeks, forcing him to look me in the eye. His blue eyes look so sad. Because of me and my choices. And that guts me inside.
He closes them and gently pulls my hands away shaking his head. “Lex, I’m just tired, so are you. There’s no point in arguing about this further when you’re right. This is going to happen, probably more often than not for the next few years. I just need to get used to it. It’s ok.”
Frustration boils up, getting caught in my throat. Because it’s not ok for him to feel like his life, his work doesn’t matter as much. Or that he just needs to take this disappointment and not feel upset about it. Instead of fighting for his own needs, he’s letting them go in favor of keeping the peace. If I’ve learned anything in therapy, it’s that keeping our emotions bottled leads nowhere.
He leaves me and heads to my bedroom. Despite my frustration, I can’t help but feel some relief that he isn’t trying to leave. I follow, ready to keep fighting. But when I find him in my bathroom, brushing his teeth, leaning against the wall with his eyes closed, all the fight leaves me. It’s clear talking more will do nothing but make things worse.
We’re silent as we prepare for bed. And when we climb in, he doesn’t pull me to him like he normally does. Instead, he lays with his back to me, seemingly asleep the moment his head hits the pillow.
I lie awake for longer than I should, tormented by what that might mean. It’s not until early morning light begins to filter in that he rolls over, pulling me into his body. I don’t hesitate to wrap my arms around him tightly, pressing our bodies so close that we might as well be fused. Tears of relief soak my cheeks and his shirt.
“Shhhh…” His big hand combs through my hair then down my back, “We’re ok, I promise. Get some sleep.” Eventually, I fall asleep to the rhythm of his heartbeat and the feel of his lips in my hair.
***
Alexis: Emergency girls’ day required. I think everyone’s off today, right?
Allison: Yes, but you’ll have to come here. It’s my weekend with the kids.
Tristan:I’ll get donuts, everything ok?
Alexis: Yes? No?
Alexis:Honestly, I don’t know how I feel. I just need my girls right now.
Kiki: We ride at dawn. I’ll bring the wine. And maybe a nutcracker?
***
“Ok, the kids are in the basement with their movie bribe. They won’t come upstairs unless they need more popcorn. Spill.”
We’re gathered in Allison’s cozy living room, Tristan and Allison sharing the couch, while I occupy the armchair, clutching a pillow like it’s a life vest. Nique is seated on the floor, ominously cracking walnuts. Apparently, she wasn’t just making a joke when she suggested bringing a nutcracker. I cringe as she joyfully cracks another. I really hope she isn’t imagining someone specific while she does that.
Taking a deep breath, I explain what happened. Starting with the paparazzi, Dr. Jordan’s comments, me picking up a shift, and our fight. If you could even call it that.
“I think I’m more upset by how quickly he just gave in? I never want him to think that he can’t have feelings about something, even if they’re directed at me or something I’ve done. How could that bode well for our future if he’s constantly stifling himself?”
All three sit back, quiet at first. Allison, probably unsurprisingly given her current marital status, chimes in first.
“Sweetie, you know I love you, right?” I nod. Allison has her mom voice on, which means I’m about to receive a bit of tough love. “Your job will ruin your relationship if you and Jason don’t sit down and establish some rules of conduct.” I open my mouth to argue, but she just puts her hand up, clearly not done.
“Phil and I are struggling right now because we didn’t do that and he let his work consume him to the point where I no longer had a husband and partner, but someone who occasionally slept in our bed and paid our bills. You need guardrails. A clear understanding of when, where, and how your job takes precedence over personal things. You two need to establish when it’s ok to skip something in favor of work, and when it’s not. The caveat being things that are life threatening, of course. But if you don’t have this conversation, you two will keep finding yourselves in this situation, and it might eventually break you.”
I nod, trying to absorb what she’s saying. She’s probably right, she and her husband have been in counseling for nearly a year now. This is probably something they learned in therapy.
“Allison’s right, you two need to be clear on what’s important to you both. You’re so used to only being beholden to yourself that it will probably take some trial and error to learn how to navigate things as a couple. But you’ll get there. And you’ll always have us to lean on.” Tristian reaches across and squeezes my hand. Her reassurance is a balm to my frayed heart. I love these women more than I can truly express.
“And if you can’t figure it out, I’ve got the perfect nutcracker to use. For intimidation purposes only, of course.” Kiki waves the heavy metal instrument around, winking, causing us all to laugh and groan at the same time. She’s definitely a ballbuster, and that’ll probably never change.
“Thanks, I feel better now. And you’re right, Jason and I need to talk about it in depth.” I take a healthy gulp of wine and turn toward Allison. “Now that we’ve solved all my problems, what about you and Phil? You’re coming to the end of the year you set. Any changes?”
Allison sighs and takes her own large sip. “Yes and no. In many ways, Phil has done everything I’ve asked. Shown me that he’s committed to healing our marriage and not letting his work get in the way again. But part of me isn’t ready to trust him. I’m feeling a little lost.”
“What has your marriage counselor said about it?” Tristan reaches over and takes her free hand, squeezing it like she did for me.
“Well, she’s encouraged me to let him back home. To trust him again. Because technically, he’s done everything that I’ve asked of him, and more. She says it’s unfair to not give him the chance to keep proving himself.”
“You know I’m the last person to jump to a man’s defense, but I’ve seen how amazing you and Phil are together, and I think your therapist is right. It’s time to let yourself be happy again.” We all turn and stare at Kiki like she’s suddenly grown two heads. “What? I can be nice to men when I want to. And if anyone with a penis deserves a second chance, it’s Phil. I mean come on, guys…. It’s Phil.”
We all nod because she’s not wrong. Phil is one of those guys who draws everyone into his sphere and makes them feel seen and welcome. When we first heard of their marriage troubles over a year ago, we were all shocked. I can’t describe the relief I feel for my friend that she and her husband seem to be making things work. If they can do it, so can Jason and I.