34. Jason
Ispent the whole night in emotional agony. Not only am I disappointed in myself for not telling Steven off right away, I’m absolutely devastated that Alexis missed so many calls. The look on her face when she got out of my car. I never want to see that again.
I”m sitting on her couch, feeling sick to my stomach, when I hear her come in.
I’m off the couch like a rocket, heading for the door. Maybe once I see her, I’ll stop feeling like the world is ending.
But when I see her face, I just know.
”Fuck, Alexis, baby, I”m so sorry.” She holds her hand up; her eyes are cold and face blank. No, no, no, no, no!
“Jason, I can’t do this right now.” She moves past me into the living room, looking absolutely defeated. I follow her because I can’t not. When she feels me follow, she whips around, fire and anger blazing.
“You nearly cost me my job last night. In fact, you probably cost me my spot as an attending!”
”I know, I”m so, so sorry, babe. I—” She cuts me off, not done handing my ass to me.
“I already have a disciplinary meeting with the lead attending tomorrow morning because of this. My dad was right! I let you sweep me up into this little bubble where only you and I existed. I let you convince me to go to that party when I knew I should stay home!”
She throws her hands up, diving them into her hair, pulling on the strands in distress.
”And you know what? That”s not even the worse part!” My throat is closed up, my chest is tight. I can”t even think of what to say or how to stop the words from tumbling out of her mouth.
“The worst part is that you were going to give in. You couldn’t stand up for yourself when it mattered most. And I can’t be a life partner to someone who is miserable but won’t do anything about it.”
She turns away again, wrapping her arms around her torso. I want so badly to reach out and hold her. But I can”t; I know what happens next.
“You made me put you first on a night when you knew I couldn’t. I’m an ER doctor, I’m not a normal person. I have a duty to heal people on the worst day of their lives, and sometimes that means I have to put my family second. I thought you understood that.”
“I do, Alexis. I swear.” This time I do reach out, gently turning her around to face me. I wish I hadn’t though, because the look on her face stops my heart.
“I need you to leave, Jason. Leave your key. This is over.”
I swallow the bile that”s building in my throat. Tears slipping down my cheeks; I didn”t even feel them coming on.
“Just like that? You’re ending this? Ending us?”
“Yes.”
So final. Her voice sounds dead. I feel hot, suddenly angry that she’s just giving up, without a real fight. I want to yell. I want us to get in each other’s faces and, fuck, I don’t know, work it out? It doesn’t have to be pretty, it just has to end with us still together.
But when I look at her now, I know nothing I say will change things. Her face is perfectly blank, but her arms are wrapped around torso, as if she’s holding herself together. I take a half step toward her, but she shakes her head hard.
So, I pull out my key ring and unclip her extra key, setting it on the little table that was featured in our all-night sex marathon only weeks ago. I don’t want to leave, but I don’t know what else to do that won’t just make things worse.
Her shoulders begin to shake, and it kills me that I did that.
”I”m so sorry,” I whisper one last time before leaving.
When I reach my apartment, I collapse against my door. Sobbing.
I think I just lost the love of my life.