35. Alexis
The disciplinary meeting went about as expected. I didn”t even bother trying to defend myself or explain; I should have known better. Dr. Jordan wrapped up the meeting by saying, ”Now, Alexis, I have to tell you that we were going to offer you a position as an attending. But after this, we”re going to have to seriously reconsider. You are a good doctor, and I want you on my team, but only if I can rely on you.”
”You can rely on me, I promise. This will never happen again.” I left the meeting feeling shattered.
And when I got back to my apartment, I fell apart. Sobbing so hard I almost made myself sick. Not only have I lost the only man I”ve ever loved, I might lose my dream job too. Slinky tries to comfort me, but it”s not enough.
That was a week ago. And I still feel raw.
Every time I look at my bookcase, I miss him. Every time Slinky outdoes herself in ridiculousness, I want to turn and find him there, laughing along with me. My whole body aches without him—his laughter, his kindness, his drugging kisses. Never in my life have I felt this lost.
But the thought of walking down the hall and knocking on his door repulses me. Not because I don’t still love him, but because I do. If he can’t figure out how to advocate for himself now, what will happen five years from now, when I’ve had a baby and the tabloids won’t shut up about not “losing the baby weight” fast enough? What happens if they start to go after our kids? Is he going to let complete strangers walk all over us without a fight?
Part of me knows I’m being unfair. That a good partner would support him, help him grow and learn from this. But all I can think about is how my dad did that. How he tried, over and over again, to help his first wife through crisis after crisis. Every time she promised it would be the last, that she would do better. And every time she let him down. And his career and patients suffered. He was barely able to keep his career afloat after the dust settled post-divorce. I don’t want to wake up ten years from now and realize I’ve done the same thing.
To try to block out the pain, I’ve come to every shift thirty minutes early and left thirty minutes later. Anytime someone needs help, I jump in immediately. All of my energy is focused on being the best doctor I can be. Because if I don’t, if I let myself relax for even a moment, I’m worried I’ll break.
I have to prove to them that I have what it takes; I can”t lose this too.
Eventually, it will get easier, right?