29
“Ray says you guys have been coming to this thing for years?” I ask.
“Without fail. Never missed a single one and every year it’s somehow better than the last,” Steph replies with a smile.
Steph, Alec’s cousin Daniel’s wife is the sweetest woman I think I’ve ever met. We’ve known each other all of thirty minutes but we’re laughing and talking as if we’ve been best friends for years.
Her short blonde hair sparkles under the afternoon sun, the tips brushing her shoulders, framing her heart-shaped face perfectly.
Alec, Ray and Daniel walk a couple of paces behind us, their little boy, Sam sitting on his dad’s shoulders, his legs dangling either side of his head.
Steph loops her arm through mine as we walk through the main strip of the lobster festival that’s in full-swing, the whole place buzzing with energy. “I’m so happy you and Alec could join us. When Ray told us Alec was back, we couldn’t believe it. We were so excited to see him again.”
“You were all childhood friends?”
“The best of friends. Don’t let their pretty faces fool you, though. They were menaces!” She howls, throwing her head back in laughter. “Always playing games, winding me up something rotten, but Alec was always like a brother to me, and Danny…”
“Was always meant for you,” I finish for her.
She nods, a faint blush creeping up into her cheeks. “Sometimes you just know, right? Like, everything feels right. Like everything literally slots into place. I can’t quite explain it but… even as a kid, I knew one day I’d grow up to be his wife.”
She glances at her husband lovingly over her shoulder, though I’m sure he’s completely oblivious to what we’re talking about.
“So tell me about you and Alec. How did you guys meet?” she asks.
“He works for my family. He’s uh… He’s my brother’s bodyguard.”
Her eyes widen. “Seriously? Who the hell are you? Your family famous or something?”
“Ha! No, definitely not famous. My family owns the majority of businesses and real estate in Halston and made a few enemies along the way.” That’s putting it mildly.
“If he’s your brother’s bodyguard, what’s he doing here with you?” she asks inquisitively.
“Um… Some bad things happened to me not long ago, really bad things and my brother told him to keep an eye on me. Alec offered to bring me out here to recuperate.”
I’m being vague. I’m not ready to share the full extent of what happened. She must sense my unease because she lays a hand on my arm. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to pry. Ignore me, I’m naturally nosy.”
“Naturally curious, and it’s okay.”
“Are you alright now though?” she asks, her tone lighter than before, more concerned than curious.
“Better than I’ve been in a long time, and it’s all down to him.”
“No need to say more, I get it. Love heals all wounds. Cliché, I know, but it doesn’t make it any less true.”
Love heals all wounds…Her words resonate through my soul, because they are filled with so much truth. Alec has healed parts of me I never realised were broken, helped put me back together and be more like myself again.
I’ll never be the same girl I was before they took me, but I’ve come out the other side as a stronger woman, and a lot of it is because of Alec.
A little while later, we head to one of the many food outlets at the festival, and luckily, we manage to find a table that’s free.
“Phew! My feet feel like they’re going to fall off,” Steph complains, rubbing her pregnant belly and my heart twinges.
“You okay, honey?” her husband, Daniel asks, shifting his chair closer to his wife before placing a hand on her knee, squeezing gently.
She nods, giving him a smile. “Just tired.”
Alec pulls a chair out for me before lowering himself into the chair to my left, and I don’t miss the way Alec’s eyes scan our surroundings as he always does.
Ever the protector…
“So, I’m assuming you have some incriminating stories to tell about Alec, huh?” I ask, my question aimed at Steph and Daniel as Alec groans beside me and I can sense the eye roll without having to see it.
“Aside from how they both made me dress up as Daisy so they could be Beau and Luke from that old TV show, the Dukes of Hazzard?” Steph offers, forcing back a smile.
“I remember that!” Ray says with a laugh, slapping a hand on the table. “And just what are you calling old?”
“So, who played who?” I ask.
“I was Beau, because he was the coolest, obviously,” Alec adds.
“No, because you had the longest hair back then so it made sense,” Daniel says, tossing back a beer.
“We all know the real reason,” Steph says.
“And what was the real reason?” I ask, looking between them.
“Because Beau got all the girls, and so did Alec.”
My eyebrows raise. “Oh really? Quite the lady-killer at what? Age seven?”
“More like age ten,” Daniel comments and the table erupts in laughter as Alec mouths the words ‘fuck off’ to help protect innocent ears.
We don’t have to wait long after ordering our food for it to arrive and we continue to laugh and share stories while we eat.
“S’erra!” Alec’s nephew wiggles off his dad’s lap and waddles towards me with his arms outstretched, a wide smile on his face. My name coming out sounding something close to Sarah, but he wasn’t far off.
I turn and scoop him up, balancing him on my lap. “See—air—ah,” I say carefully, pronouncing each syllable.
“See—air—ah,” Sam repeats. He’s no older than three but he’s the sweetest boy, the same eyes as his mom and the same dark head of hair like his dad.
I bounce the adorable little boy on my knee who giggles and squirms as I tickle him, and a warmth fills my chest, but it’s almost… empty.
I’ll never have this.
He reaches up with his chubby little index finger and traces along the scar on my face from my brow all the way down to my cheekbone. His touch is light, but the movement is like feeling the knife searing through my skin all over again.
I pull my eyes away from Sam and up to meet Alec’s, who watches me and Sam with an unreadable expression and my heart tugs, realisation slapping me across the face.
By being with me, he’ll never experience the joys of being a father. I’d be the cause of him missing out on a significant chunk of his life. A part of me argues that he knows what he’s signing up for, but the other part of me feels guilty for taking the option away from him.
How can I deprive him of something as life-altering as that?
“I’ll just be a second,” I say, passing Sam back to his mom before excusing myself from the table and heading towards the restrooms, fighting a wave of tears all the way there.
I burst through the doors, thankful that the restroom is empty. I lean forward against the counter, letting my tears fall free.
When the door opens, I expect it to be Alec coming in after me, but I’m surprised to find it’s Steph.
“Are you alright?” she asks, stepping closer, placing a gentle hand on my back.
I sniff, swiping at the tears from my face. “I will be in a sec.”
“Did Sam upset you when he touched your scar?”
“What? No, not at all. Sam is wonderful.” I take a steadying breath, drying my eyes with a paper towel. “I… I can’t have children.”
Her face softens. “Oh, Sierra. I’m so sorry.”
“The bad stuff I was telling you about? I was hurt, badly and because of that I can’t ever get pregnant. I can’t ever have a family. How can I take that option away from Alec?”
“Does he know?” she asks, and I nod. “And I’m guessing you haven’t spoken about it?”
I shake my head. “No.”
“Why not?”
“Because I’m… scared? After everything that’s happened lately, I don’t think I could stand losing him.”
“Why do you think he’s still here? I’ve seen the way he looks at you, you’re his whole world, Sierra, and I think that speaks volumes on where he stands with it all. Talk to him, you’ll never know until you do.”
The door swings open behind Steph, and Alec takes a step inside. His brows pull tight when he sees that I’ve been crying. “Everything okay in here?”
“Perfect! Just having a little girl talk, we won’t be long!” Steph replies.
Alec’s frown deepens as his eyes hold mine, but he doesn’t push, and reluctantly, he lets the door swing shut behind him.
“You do know there’s other options right? I know it’s not the same as giving birth to your own child, but there’s other avenues you can explore; adoption, fostering, surrogacy… What I’m saying is, the door isn’t completely closed to you if a family is what you want. I’m here, if you ever want to talk, okay?”
I wrap my arms around her neck. “Thank you.”
“You know, I’m quite excited to have you as my friend.” She smiles.
“You know what? So am I.”
When we leave the bathroom, I can feel Alec’s eyes lingering on me as we return to the table, and I purposely avoid meeting his eye for fear I’ll crack and my well-constructed mask will slip.
I know the whole not being able to have children thing is a conversation that is long overdue, especially now that Alec and I are a thing, but I want to try and enjoy living in this little bubble for a while longer.
∞∞∞
It’s growing dark as we leave the restaurant, Alec and I going off on our own while the others take Sam to take part in the many games they have here.
“You okay, princess?” Alec asks as we walk hand in hand along the promenade, the surface of the water reflecting the array of coloured lights from the festival.
I look up and conjure my best smile. “I’m great.” My hand squeezes his as my eyes catch on something up ahead. “Oh my God! Let’s go on that!” I point to the huge Ferris wheel that stands tall over the entire festival, using it as an excuse to direct the conversation elsewhere.
I tug him towards it, leading him right up to the ticket stall where we purchase ours before joining the short line to await our turn.
We don’t have to wait long until we’re guided into an open basket that swings under our weight, and within a minute we’re lifted into the air.
I glance to my left where Alec is sat, his body rigid with his hand clutching the metal railing for dear life.
I cock my head. “Don’t tell me you’re afraid of heights.”
“Not afraid, I just don’t like them very much.” He chances a glance down to the ground a hundred and fifty feet below us as we come to a halt at the very top and he curses under his breath.
I shimmy closer to him and tip his chin so his eyes are on me. “You just need a distraction.”
Leaning in, I capture his mouth with mine, not wasting a single second before slipping my tongue between his lips to tangle with his.
The hand that was gripping the railing is now buried deep in my hair, tipping my head back to allow him to deepen the kiss as his other hand snakes around my back.
He tries to tug me onto his lap but the basket creaks and tips to the side and I let out a squeal, clinging to Alec as we break out into laughter.
“We should probably slow this down, I don’t particularly relish the idea of plunging a hundred feet to our deaths, no matter how much I want you right now,” he says with a smirk.
“You’re probably right.” I give him on more kiss before settling back against him as his arm goes around my shoulders. I rest my head on his chest as the Ferris wheel starts to rotate and we begin our descent. “I love this, being here with you.”
“Me too, baby.” I feel his lips against my hair. “Me too.”
∞∞∞
We’re both quiet as we step inside the house and hour later, the atmosphere tense, just like the drive home. He follows me silently through to the kitchen as I switch on the coffee machine. I can feel his eyes burning into the back of my head and I do my best to ignore it.
I flick my gaze up to my reflection in the window, noticing Alec stood behind me, leaning up against the counter with his arms folded.
My heart begins to race because I know exactly what’s coming.
“Are you going to tell me what’s wrong?”
I spin around to face him. “Nothing, I’m fi—”
“Don’t tell me you’re fine,” he snaps, cutting me off, “because I’m not accepting that excuse, not after I found you crying in the bathroom and you barely speaking a word all the way home. I didn’t mention it earlier because I didn’t want to push you. I was hoping you’d bring up whatever was wrong yourself, but you haven’t, so I’ll ask you again, are you okay?”
“Why do you want to be with me?” I blurt, the words even taking me by surprise as they fall from my lips.
He frowns. “Where is this coming from?”
“Why do you want to be with me?” I repeat. “Look at the bigger picture, Alec. I can’t have children. What happens further down the line when you decide you want a baby, a baby I can’t give you? Are you okay with never hearing your child’s first words, or teaching them how to ride a bike without stabilisers, or see them off on their first day of school? Are you saying you’d be okay with that? That you’d give all of that up for me? I want all of that, and I’ll never be able to give it to you. That life is out of reach for me, but it’s not for you, and I’d hate to have you come to resent me one day for depriving you of starting a family. What I’m saying is that… I’d understand if you wanted to find somebody else who can give you all of that…”
He’s quite for a minute, though it feels like I wait an entire hour for him to speak, his eyes unwavering as they hold mine. “Are you done?”
“Yes?” It comes out as more of a question.
“Is this because of my cousin and his family? Seeing them together today with Sam?”
“Maybe.” I shrug. “I don’t know… I think it’s something that’s been in the back of my mind for a while, I just tried not to think about it.”
His face softens as he steps closer, taking both my hands in his as he backs me against the counter. “Sierra, princess…” he begins, the nickname melting something inside me. “A family was never on the cards for me before I met you. You are my family. My home. My life started the second you entered it, before then was just a blank space, a void. Nothing.” He reaches up to cup my face. “I won’t ever have to sacrifice anything by being with you, because I have everything I want right in front of me. I could never resent or regret even a single moment I spend with you. After almost losing you, I cherish every day as if it were the last.”
“Alec…” My voice cracks as a tear drips down my face. “I’m really enough for you?”
“Princess, if you have to ask me that, then I’m clearly not doing my job right.” He bends and lifts me into his arms, my legs winding around his waist. “Let me rectify that.”