CHAPTER 4
RILA
She had planned on acting professional, distant, and detached. Act like he was, calm and collected. But all it took was for her eyes to lock with his, and that plan went out the window. She had forgotten what it was like to be stared at by Kieran Ward.
Yes, she acted like a damn child when she gave him the finger. But, honestly, it felt good doing that.
Her mind was twisted with so many thoughts. Like when you find your phone's charger tangled in so many directions that you don't know where to start untangling it. That was how her brain was.
And she hated it, because that wasn't her. She didn't get confused, didn't hesitate, and certainly didn't feel like a walking mess.
If someone asked her mother, she would say that her daughter was stubborn, rebellious, and impulsive.
But that was because Rila was never afraid to challenge her, never caring about being grounded for acting like a child and tearing up dresses too expensive during children's games.
She simply lived her life as she wanted and didn't do Naomi's wills like an obedient puppy.
However, she would never say that Rila was hesitant or that she was afraid of the consequences, whatever they were. Especially because her mother raised her to walk firmly and with her head held high. Decided. Strong.
Yet, there she was, struggling to think clearly. And that was his fault.
But it wasn't always that she felt this way around him. During the time they were together, Rila was sure of what Kieran meant to her, she never felt confused about the two of them because she never had a reason to. Until that night.
From that night on, she began to question everything they had experienced, dissected each moment they spent together, and went through her brain trying to relive every single thing without the blind passion clouding her judgment.
She did that for days, weeks, and months.
But, it was so painful that, after a while, she just stuffed all those memories in a box and locked it in a dark corner of her mind.
She wasn't going to keep dwelling on that, she couldn't keep doubting herself.
So she just left everything related to Kieran Ward locked away from her accessible thoughts.
Until today.
And now she needed someone who could control their emotions like a robot, who made lists and spreadsheets to keep things straight, and who thought about absolutely everything before making any decision. She needed Jessie.
Still shaking slightly and a little tachypneic, Rila fished her cellphone from her dark red pant's pocket and sent the text.
Rila: The Secret after the shift, see you in two hours.
The answer arrived after two minutes.
Jessie: today is Wednesday.
Rila: I can't wait till Friday, I need a drink today. And tomorrow. And Friday.
Jessie: ok, I'm officially worried.
Rila: me too.
Jessie: I don't think it's a good moment to tell you that I'm on call for 24 hours.
Shit. That meant that she would spend another twelve hours in the hospital, and Rila would have to go home alone and sober.
Or not. She could stop by the market and grab a beer pack. Or three.
Rila: ughhhhh.
Jessie: rooftop in five?
Rila: see you there.
The rooftop. They used the roof for emergencies, and that was exactly what it was at that time.
Without wasting time, she went to the door that led to the stairs and went up to the fifth and last floor, where were located the offices of department heads, some meeting rooms, and the entire bureaucratic part of the hospital.
When she passed the red sign indicating the floor, she kept going up and opened the heavy, gray door at the end of the steps.
— Fuck — Rila cursed as soon as she moved a bit away from the door and the first cold breeze hit her body. Her body was very uncovered and had more skin on display than was healthy for this weather.
The city lights shone all around, and the four cement poles at each end of the building illuminated the entire ground. There was nothing there except a pair of pots next to the door, with a plant she didn't know the name of, and two folding stools that they brought and left hidden.
— Yeah, I stopped at the locker room to get my hoodie and figured you might need this — Jessie showed up behind her with a black puffer jacket in hand.
— You're the best friend I have — Rila groaned and didn't wait to slide the coat over her arms, zipping it up to her neck.
— I'm your only friend — they opened the stools and set side by side, facing the city.
— Hun-hun, I finally managed to get Blake to open up, and now she's part of that category.
When she met the neurosurgeon, she would only approach Rila to talk about work.
If the consultation was over, she would just smile politely and leave.
It took about two months for Blake to start talking to Rila about something other than patients.
Then, it took her another month to agree to join her at the garden coffee cart.
And of course, Rila was responsible for most of the conversation.
Now, the blonde finally looked for her to talk to and saw her as a friend, they even exchanged text messages. Lately, Rila was working on convincing Blake to join her and Jessie for lunch. The emergency doctor knew that the two of them would get along when they met.
— Oh, poor thing, she has no idea what she's getting into — Jessie joked, a little smile blooming on her mouth, making dimples appear on her cheeks.
— When she realizes, it will be too late, and she'll be loving me, just like it happened to you.
— Yeah, this is called Stockholm syndrome — they laughed, but her face softened soon — So, what happened, Rila?
It was the first time that she was the friend needing help with something related to feelings. Usually, it was Rila who told the obstetrician to live a little, stop thinking too much, and let someone pass through the fortress that Jessie had built around her heart.
And there she was, wanting to build that same wall around her heart. Not to stop love, but to stop him.
After what happened, Rila didn't close herself off from this feeling. In fact, she tried to find new people who made her feel the same way after she locked Kieran in a corner of her mind. After all, life didn't stop because of a broken heart.
— You look like you've seen a ghost — Jessie scanned her face, concern becoming evident in her features.
— It's pretty much it — she forced a humorless laugh — I just ran into someone I hadn’t seen in years.
— And by the look on your face, I assume that you didn't want to see this person.
— No. Yes — Rila frowned — I mean, I don't know.
Shit. Not even ten minutes with him, and she went back to being the twenty-two-year-old Rila who couldn't think straight. And that was the result of what he did that night, the reason she loathed him.
— Wanna tell me more about it? — her friend asked carefully.
She didn't really want to, but maybe she needed to. She never told anyone about Kieran, everything they lived was always hers alone. The laughs, kisses, gifts, tears, and the heartbreak. There was no one to share all this with.
It wasn't like she could cry on her mother’s lap when it was all over, she wasn't exactly the most affectionate mother around.
And Rila knew that Kieran wasn't the man she dreamed of for her daughter. He didn’t come from an important family, didn't have millionaire connections in any industry, and had no influence. At least not back then.
— When I was ten, my parents bought a house in Vancouver, and we started spending the last two weeks of the year there — she stopped for a few seconds to catch a breath, as if she was going to dive, because that was exactly what she seemed to be about to do.
Dive into memories she wanted to keep ignoring — Kieran's mom worked for us as a cook, and he was always around, but we only officially met on my third day there.
She took another deep breath and closed her eyes before speaking again, allowing the memories she kept locked in a vault to flow into her mind.
She couldn't believe her mother grounded her for telling the truth. They were having another stupid dinner at one of her parents’ friends’ house when the woman asked what Rila thought of the food. They had served a fish with caviar and a strange pureé that she hated.
Did they not know what caviar was? She Googled it the first time she saw it and discovered it was fish eggs. It was disgusting.
So, that's what she said. Because the lady asked, and her parents always said that lying was ugly. And now, her mother was punishing her for telling the truth!
They had arrived at their new vacation home in Vancouver two days ago, and today she would finally be free. She couldn't play outside or watch TV, so all that was left were some boring books from the house library. She was on vacation, why would she read?
After the breakfast — the kitchen staff there made the best pancakes in the world, and Rila had gorged herself on them — she ran to her room to put on a coat, gloves, and hat before darting toward the frozen lake behind the house.
During those days when she was trapped, she saw him skating through her bedroom window and, when asked the girl who took the food off the table about it, she was told that he was the cook's son. Rila was jealous because he probably ate those pancakes every day.
So, now that she could play, she didn't hesitate to walk to him, who was sitting on the edge of the lake to lace up his skates. His fingers, as well as his cheeks and nose, were red from the cold, but he didn't seem to mind.
— Hi, what's your name? — Rila said when she got close enough.
Then, he lifted his head, and all she saw was blue. The boy looked at her with the most beautiful eyes she had ever seen, a turquoise blue so clear it almost left her mouth open.
— Kieran Ward — the boy replied and turned his attention to the black skates on his feet.
He wasn't polite and asked her name. Her mother would have definitely scolded him for it.
This made her like him instantly.
— Hi, Kieran, I'm Rila Hana Hill — she extended her hand covered in a vanilla ice-cream-colored glove towards him, and he looked at it for a few seconds before accepting it.
— You have two names? — his forehead wrinkled as he asked.
— Hana is my Japanese name, it's a tradition on my mother's side of the family — she explained — Just call me Rila.
Kieran kept staring without saying anything for a while longer, and she puffed out her cheeks as she began to feel uncomfortable, but she didn't look away.
Like Rila, he was wearing a hat — but his was gray and hers matched her gloves — and a few strands of brown hair peeked out from under the fabric near his ears.
— What does it mean? — Kieran finally spoke before standing up, and now she was the one who had to look up a little — Your Japanese name.
— Hana means flower.
— And you like flowers?
— Only when they're in the nature — she moved her hand to some trees that surrounded the small lake — I hate that people use flowers as gifts, you know? It doesn't make sense because they'll die in a few days, it's kind of cruel to the flowers.
He tilted his head to the side, still looking at her, and shook it up and down after thinking for a while.
— Yeah, you're right.
— I'm always right — Rila smiled triumphantly — Can I play in the lake with you?
— You have skates? — he looked at her feet covered in warm, light brown boots.
— Yes, my mother asked them to buy it last week.
Hers were white with small flowers sewn onto the heel. She'd been begging for skates ever since her dad told her about the house a few weeks ago. Rila had to ask her mother eight times for her to agree.
— And you know how to skate?
— No, but you're gonna teach me — he raised an eyebrow, and she remembered that should be polite — Please.
Again, it took him a while to respond. That was kind of annoying, why didn't he say it right away? Did he have a problem with words?
— Fine, but you can't cry when you fall.
— I won't fall — she grimaced and lifted her chin, bothered by what he said.
— Everyone falls at first — Kieran shrugged and kept looking at her.
— Well, I don't.
She did. A lot. So many times that when they decided to stop around dinner time, her butt was numb. But she'd had so much fun that she didn't hesitate to look for Kieran the next morning.
As the days went by, Rila learned that he wasn't much of a talker, so she was the one who was always chatting while they skated.
On her penultimate day there, she was already able to skate reasonably well, knew that he was almost two years older, wanted to be a hockey player, and that he took turns helping his mother in the kitchen and his father in the carpentry.
And she couldn't wait to return to Canada the following year.
— Ok, so, you and the famous player, that's a surprise — her friend gently bumped her side against Rila's.
— He wasn't a famous player when we met, he was just Kieran — she returned the gesture.
— And I suppose things didn't end well between you two — the gynecologist looked at her with a wrinkled forehead and high eyebrows.
— No, they didn't. And I suffered because of it, believe me, I suffered a lot. But, I moved on, continued with my life — she shrugged — I just didn't forget, you know?
— I don't think we should forget this kind of thing, Rila — she sighed — I don't know how real breakups work, but I suppose we have to heal this wound so that the memories don't hurt when they come, you know?
— See him opened the wound.
— Opened or just showed that it wasn't healing properly?
Jessica had a point. Maybe she never healed completely. Always thought her heart had a scar because of Kieran, but what if it was actually an open wound?
Rila chose to ignore the memories because they hurt too much, and maybe she ignored the injury too. Maybe all this time that she believed she had healed the hole Kieran opened in her chest, she had, in reality, just learned to live with it.