CHAPTER 5
RILA
She drank four beers alone at home. After she returned the card to Blake and finished her shift, she stopped at the store to get drinks and at her favorite fast food place to buy a strawberry milkshake.
Then, she focused on not thinking about the pair of eyes as blue as the Caribbean sea that made her heart clench.
On Thursday, her day off, she did everything in her power to keep not thinking about Kieran. She studied, cleaned the house that was already clean, tried to watch something on television, and went swimming when nothing caught her attention.
Her building had a huge heated pool, which was where she spent most of the time when she wasn't in the hospital or in bed, catching up on sleep.
Being a resident meant being tired all the time.
Some days her whole body ached, but most of the time it was the mind that was exhausted.
So, she needed to find something that would allow her to switch off.
Since skating was completely off the table, she decided to try swimming. Being in the water was tranquilizing, quiet, and calm. When she was submerged, everything else was muffled, and the only thing that mattered was getting to the other side of the pool.
The shift on Friday was chaotic thanks to a pileup a few blocks from the hospital. The emergency room was crowded, with victims, companions, nursing staff, and doctors walking from one side to the other and talking all at the same time.
She loved it, the fast pace and organized chaos. And the best part was that she was so busy that she didn't even have time to pee, let alone think about a certain hockey player.
It was also a relief when Jessie confirmed the trip to their favorite bar, ensuring a distraction for that night.
— Have you decided what we're gonna do next week? — Rila asked her friend when they entered the place.
The Secret was a small door hidden between a coffee shop and an antique store, three blocks from the hospital. They started going there in the first year of residency and never stopped, clocking in once a week — usually on Friday — when they weren't on duty.
Mark, the owner, and one of the only two bartenders, was so used to them that sometimes he even engaged in the conversations, giving his opinion and laughing whenever he saw them passing a ten-dollar bill between them to pay the bet of some rumor.
— Dinner at home and a movie afterward — Jessie shrugged as they took off their coats and scarves to let them on the hanger near the door — Ugh, this shitty weather.
Her friend hated low temperatures, and Boston was a very cold city in the fall and winter, which forced them to put on a few extra layers of clothes and caused Jessie some stress.
Rila couldn't say the same, as she loved this weather since she was a little girl.
Maybe because she could use it as an excuse to put on some pants instead of the annoying dresses her mother insisted on seeing her wear.
— Boring — Rila hummed, and the gynecologist rolled her eyes hard — We should go out drinking and dancing. And maybe meet someone interesting while we're at it.
They sat down on two iron stools at the counter, and, two seconds later, Mark arranged the leather cupholders before heading out to get their drinks.
The place wasn't big, and the decor was a mix of industrial and grunge.
The brick wall behind the bar was covered with drinks, while the others were made of worn-out, burnt cement.
To the left there was a small stage with two microphones, speakers, and a projector, which was where karaoke took place every day from nine p.m. It was also where the ceiling was covered with vinyl records and colorful lights that Mark would turn on when it was time to open the karaoke bar.
Four square dark-wooden tables were positioned in front of the stage, and, on the other side, three booths with brown leather sofas occupied the wall filled with artists' photos and music sheets.
As always, the music wasn't so loud that people had to shout to talk, and the indirect lighting made the place more cozy, but without taking away the view of who was there.
That was the best bar in Boston, and only those who had never been there didn't agree. Or who had extremely bad taste.
— I already met someone.
— Oh, please, Owen is an idiot, and you know it — Rila looked at her in disbelief — And if he really was one of the good guys, you wouldn't be with him.
Jessie definitely didn't want to have a love life, so she hooked up with emotionally unavailable guys to make sure no feelings would surface while they slept together for a few months. At least her sex life wasn't boring.
— Ok, fine, maybe we could go to a hockey bar after the dinner at my place — she raised her eyebrows as if saying: “if you're gonna piss me off, then I'll do the same.”
— Really? The two of you are talking about cheating on me right in front of my face? — Mark placed Rila's favorite longneck in front of her and a glass of Tequila Sunrise for Jessie.
— She is — the emergency doctor pointed to the woman next to her and put on her best innocent face — The thought of going to another bar never even crossed my mind.
— Yeah, because your mind is too busy thinking about a certain someone from the past — Jessica took some of her drink through the straw as she stared with something almost devilish shining in her brown eyes — Am I wrong?
— Fine, dinner and movie — Rila muttered reluctantly, not wanting to respond to her provocation.
Technically, her friend was wrong. She wasn't thinking about Kieran, she was thinking about not thinking about Kieran, which were two completely different things.
Yes, she knew she should face the memories, but didn't want to feel all that again. She's already suffered for so long after he ended everything, how could it not have been enough?
Shit, that was exactly like trying to heal an infected wound without treating it because of fear of pain.
— I'm gonna need something stronger than this beer today, Mark — Rila took a big swig from the bottle, drinking half of the cold liquid — Give me a shot of tequila, please.
— Alcohol is great for this type of situation, but you and I know that you'll need a little more than this to deal with your problem.
— I know, I'm just gathering a bit of courage to face my memories — she tipped her head back, downing all the tequila in the small glass and popping a piece of lime in her mouth right away.
The liquid warmed her body, and she felt her muscles relax a little. The effect was much faster than swimming, thank goddess.
— Look, you know I'm totally in favor of the idea of leaving no room for feelings — Jessie placed the drink on the counter and stared at her — But, you already have these feelings, which makes things more difficult.
You can't just ignore your emotions, and honestly, we both know that's not something you do, Rila.
You don't run away from things, you're one of the bravest people I know.
— I know I'm not like this, and that's exactly why I hate him — she leaned the elbows on the bar and placed her head in her hands, her fingers tangling in her hair.
— You were the one who gave him the power to affect you this way, that means you can end it too.
— It's easier said than done — Rila grumbled, still staring at the dark wood of the counter.
— Probably, but you're strong. And stubborn. So I know you'll get over it eventually — Jessie gently bumped her shoulder against hers — And I'll be here if you need me, you know that.
She turned her head, keeping it supported by just one hand, and gave a little smile of thanks.
Jessica was the sister she never had, they always supported each other and there were no secrets between them.
They helped each other, argued when necessary, and, above all, had a mutual affection that made friendship feel like family.
Rila didn't have many close friends — colleagues, yes, but more than that were few —, however, the ones she did have, she defended tooth and nail.
It was a little after one a.m when Rila entered her apartment, stumbling a little as she got out of the elevator.
Her giant and quiet apartment.
It was ridiculous living there alone, but at least she had privacy and didn't have to deal with her mother's comments.
She was only there twice and made a point of criticizing its decoration on both visits.
Of course, she hated the hibiscus-colored armchairs in the living room — even though they perfectly matched the cream sofa and square wooden coffee table — because they weren't sophisticated and elegant.
How could Naomi have given birth to her, and yet they were complete opposites?
With everything moving in slow motion — thanks for that, tequila —, Rila was careful to climb the L-shaped staircase that leads to the bedrooms, holding on to the glass railing as if her life depended on it.
Well, it kind of did because, at best, she would end up with an intracranial hemorrhage if she tripped and fell rolling down the steps.
In her room, she undressed and left her clothes on the floor, leaving just her panties and bra. And then she made a decision.
— I'm not a coward — the words came out more slowly than usual due to the alcohol, but they still sounded right.
Staggering, she entered the ridiculously large closet and walked to the farthest part, reaching the clothes her mother insisted on sending every now and then.
— I'm not a coward — she repeated and took a deep breath before pushing a dozen expensive dresses to the side, revealing a small white plastic organizing box.
Her legs were no longer reliable due to the drinking — and they would definitely get even worse —, so she decided to sit on the floor before placing the box on her lap and removing the lid.
The last time she opened it was on her twenty-third birthday, when she considered throwing it all away.
She put it in a trash bag, but in the end she couldn't get rid of it.
Even if its contents reminded her of what Kieran had meant to her for years and how stupid she was to think he felt the same way, she couldn't bring herself to let go of the box.
— I'm not a coward — Rila said for the last time before facing what was inside.
Eleven flowers made of small building blocks, one for each birthday since she started visiting Canada. And all of them were made by Kieran.
With her throat tight, ragged breathing, and trembling finger, she took the first two.
They were basically a stack of rounded green blocks with a brown one on top, holding five more curved pieces that resembled flower petals.
One of the flowers was white and the other blue, both a bit smaller than the palm of her hand.
And she remembered the day she received them as if it were yesterday.
— Happy birthday, Rila — Kieran approached the shore of the frozen lake, where she was waiting for him to skate all afternoon, just as they had done for the last four days.
— Thanks — she mimicked the tiny smile he had on — Now we are only a year apart.
— Only for four months, so enjoy — his blue eyes sparkled and widened a little as he reached into the back pocket of his black pants — I have a gift for you. Two, actually, since you took me by surprise last year and I had nothing to give you.
It was her family's second year in Vancouver, and just like the previous one, they would stay there for two weeks.
Her mother wasn't so happy since she wanted to go to Paris this time, but her father had bought the house because of something related to work, and these two weeks were important for the company.
Rila wasn't interested in their conversations, so all she knew was that the new partner was from there, and they took advantage of these days to work together.
She was also forced to go to dinner at this partner's house a few times, but at least she spent the afternoon with Kieran before being dragged there.
— Really? I love gifts — her smile got even bigger and she felt her body vibrate with anxiety as she stared at his hand still hidden behind his body — What is it?
He looked at her in silence for a few seconds before taking a deep breath and extending his hand towards her.
— Flowers that don't die to match with your name.
Kieran opened his fingers and in his palm were two flowers made from building blocks, one white and the other blue.
— Wow, this is so cool — Rila picked up the plastic flowers, holding them in front of her face — No one ever made flowers for me. Thanks.
She didn't hesitate to approach and put her arms around his body, squeezing his body in an almost suffocating hug. This time, Kieran didn't stop to think before hugging her back.
Her mother had given her a pair of green stone earrings that she couldn't remember the name of, even though Rile had asked for a lamp that projected stars on the ceiling of her room. She always gave her jewelry or dresses that she hated wearing, never paying attention to what Rila said.
Kieran heard her say that she liked flowers, but not seeing them dying, and he made two that wouldn't meet that fate. He made immortal flowers for her. This was the coolest gift she had ever received.
He kept making the flowers, and every year they got better. Rila knew that he should spend a lot of time thinking and researching how to put together a better one than the previous one.
It was when her eyes found the rose in the middle of the box that her heart sank. That was the last flower she got, one that came with a note that said: “my love for you is like this flower: it will never die.”
What a big lie.
She was never a crying type of person. Of course, she was all about expressing her feelings and living life openly, but crying wasn't something that came easily to her. But at that moment, her throat burned as she fought back the tears that were building up.
She didn't want to cry, not for him. She'd already spent so much time shedding tears over Kieran that the thought of doing it again made her angry.
— Screw it, I can't do this now — she returned the two flowers she was holding to the box and closed it with more force than necessary.
Annoyed by the throbbing in her chest, she didn't bother to put the box in the closet, just dropped it on the floor and left, going straight to the bed.
The feelings building up in her heart were overwhelming, it was almost difficult to breathe.
It was a mix of longing, anger, sadness, and, even though we didn't want to, love.
She missed what they had at the same time she hated him for making her feel that way.
It was like grieving, she thought. Mourning for them, but especially for her.
Kieran wasn't the only thing she lost that night. Yes, it was hard, it hurt to lose someone you thought was the love of your life, but it wasn't the worst part.