CHAPTER 22
KIERAN
He had made a decision. One that wasn't easy, but necessary.
After the game last night, Kieran realized it was the right thing to do. He had to think about his best friend at that moment, that was all that mattered. They were family.
As soon as he arrived in Boston, he went straight to the hospital. He and Adrian spent the afternoon sorting out the things they would need to adapt to the winger's penthouse, as he was going home in a few days and needed to make adjustments to his wheelchair.
They had just finished dinner and were going through the files of nurses, physical therapists, acupuncturists, and anyone else his friend might need. They had put together a team for him, but there was still one thing missing.
— I'm retiring after this season — Kieran announced and Adrian's eyes nearly popped out of their sockets.
— Why the fuck would you do this, dude? — his friend used his arms to push himself further up in the hospital bed, confusion written all over his face.
— You're my family and I wanna be available to help you. I can't do that if I'm traveling four days a week and spending half of the day training in the other three.
Kieran had started thinking about it the moment the doctors gave Adrian his prognosis, and he matured this idea over the next five days. He had enough money — more than enough, in fact — to do that, and he could coach high school teams if or when he wanted. It was a good plan.
— This is ridiculous — Adrian stared at him with an incredulous smile — You're nuts, Kieran.
— No — his tone was firm, as was his decision — You have a long road ahead and I want to be by your side.
— You'll be by my side when you can and the rest of the time I'll have caregivers, physical therapists and all that shit with me — he waved his hands in the air — I won't be helpless.
Kieran got up from his chair and stood beside Adrian's bed, his face serious and free of doubt. This wasn't a rash decision; he had spent hours and hours on it. It was the right thing to do for someone he loved.
— I'm not gonna leave my brother with a bunch of strangers taking care of him all the time.
— And I won't let my brother give up on his dream of holding the Stanley Cup — his friend stared at him with his mouth open, brow furrowed, and a look that made it clear to Kieran that he thought he was crazy.
— We're getting it this year — he shrugged.
— You don't know that, a lot can happen between now and the end of the season.
Yes, that was true, but the team was doing exceptionally well, they had everything to win this year. And it would be the perfect time for that to happen. Kieran would have the cup, the girl and his friend.. Everyone would be happy.
— Then fuck that damn cup, we don't need it — his fists strangled the bed rail and he gritted his teeth — I've already made my decision.
— That's the problem, this is not just your decision! — Adrian exclaimed, irritated — God, you're doing the same thing to me that you did to Rila years ago.
— What? What are you talking about?
— You decided something about your relationship on your own, you didn't give her a choice, you simply decided that that was the right path — he waved his arm wildly, something Kieran noticed that was a replacement to the impatient pacing that Adrian did a lot since he could never sit still for long — And now you're doing it again, excluding me from the picture because you think you have to figure everything out on your own.
His friend's eyes focused on something behind him at the end of the sentence and the last word came out almost as a whisper. Adrian went back to look at him just as the person behind him spoke.
— What is he talking about?
And those five words in the voice of the woman he loved were responsible for his breath failing him.
Kieran glanced over his shoulder, finding her with her black jacket slung over her forearm while she held a bag over her shoulder. Her shift was over, and just like the previous days, she had gone to keep Adrian company.
— Rila.
— Tell me — she crossed her arms and pressed her lips into a thin line — This is me giving you permission to talk about the past and I suggest you take advantage of it, because you may not get another chance.
Not talking about the past was the condition for her to accept the three-date agreement. So, he had to find another way to make her remember the good things they had experienced together. The skating, the vampires series and the building blocks.
And now he had the chance to explain himself.
— Can we go to another room? — not that Adrian didn't already know the whole story, but that was something he wanted them to talk about alone.
She nodded in agreement and left with him in tow. They entered the next room and Rila kept her arms crossed under her breasts as she fixed him with a hard stare.
— Explain.
It was all fucked up. Four months ago, in a preseason game, he fucked up and his hockey future was on the line. A grade three ankle sprain in his first year as a regular player seemed like a bad joke. But it wasn't, it was his life.
He underwent surgery as quickly as possible and did everything the physiotherapist and doctor told him to. Kieran followed every recommendation to the letter and was in the third and final phase of recovery when, during a practice at the rink, he twisted his damn ankle again.
It was hard enough to accept that he would miss the regular season, but now he was out of the playoffs as well. And everything he had built all these years was in danger of falling apart. There was a good chance that the Montreal Canadiens would kick him off the team.
— Here, put your foot up — Rila walked into the room with an ice pack in one hand and a strawberry milkshake in the other — And this usually helps me too.
She had arrived three days ago for them to celebrate her birthday as they always did. Now, it was Christmas Eve, they had just finished their pancake dinner and were getting ready to watch Christmas movies.
Since he started playing for Montreal, it had become a little easier for them to see each other, it was a five-hour drive instead of an eight-hour flight. Things were going well for them, even with his busy schedules because of the games.
When he got injured, it was hard for Rila not being able to be with him because of the medical school classes that had just started. So she began to talk about trying to transfer her studies to Montreal so they could have more time together while also completing her degree.
He knew it was a big step and that she would be giving up some things, like being close to her friends and family.
Kieran didn't like knowing that she was putting herself in this position for him, but he was ready to do everything he could to support her.
And maybe he could get drafted to play for Boston in the future, and they could move back there.
It didn't matter, he would do anything for her.
And then he got injured and his life became a house of cards in which one of the cards was threatening to slip. His future in hockey became uncertain and he didn't know if he would be able to support her as he wanted.
How could he give Rila the life she deserved and was used to when he didn't even know if he would have a career next year? How could he allow her to move to Montreal when he didn't even know if he would be there in a few months?
He was so angry with himself that sometimes he woke up at night feeling like he was drowning.
All he wanted to do was work at playing the game he loved and enjoy the perks that came with that to take care of Rile. Hockey was the passion that would ensure the love of his life got everything she deserved.
— I emailed a university advisor here, I think she can help me with the transfer.
Her words made his insides twist. He couldn't let her do that, not in the state his professional life was in.
— Rila — she sighed heavily and sat down beside him on the couch, lacing her fingers with his.
— I know I said I'd wait until my freshman year was over, but this long distance thing kills me when I can't be here when you need me. So I'm gonna try to transfer at the end of the semester.
— No — with difficulty, he pulled his hand away from her and his heart ached. That small act had already required an enormous amount of strength, but he had to continue — I don't think it's a good idea for you to move here.
— What? What are you talking about?
— I don't want you here — Kieran had to say the words slowly so they would come out. This was more painful than the damn injury and the thought of losing his dream of holding the Stanley Cup. Much more.
— I think you're high on painkillers.
— I'm serious, Rila.
— No, you're not, because you love me and I know you would never hurt me like that — she stood up and began to pace back and forth, her bare feet dragging across the carpet.
He wanted to scream that it was true, that he loved her and didn't want to hurt her. But he couldn't lock her up with someone who would probably be unable to maintain the standard of living she deserved. How could he give her the world if he might never be able to set foot on the rink again?
— I want something easy and uncomplicated, and with you coming to live here it won't be like that — his mouth tasted more and more rotten with each word — Things are good with us living our lives in our own city and meeting up when we can.
His hands itched to touch her, to relieve her of all the pain he was causing her right now. A part of him wanted to hold her and take back everything he had said. Which was why Kieran had to curl his hands into fists and keep them glued to his sides.
— Easy, uncomplicated and meeting up when we can — she repeated slowly, her face contorting into a mixture of confusion, anger, and hurt — What do you mean with living our lives?
Kieran knew where her mind was going. He knew her well enough to be able to tell that Rila was asking if he was seeing other people while he was with her.
They never talked about that kind of thing.
Ever since the night in the hotel in Vancouver, when they admitted they were in love with each other, they just assumed they were together and that was it.
The player never even looked at another woman again —he finally had the one he wanted, why would he do that?
— and he knew it was the same with Rila.
He knew her and trusted her, just as she trusted him. And Kieran knew that this would be the best and possibly the only way to get her away.
— Exactly what the phrase means.
— I don't believe you — she snapped, her chin rising like it always did when she felt threatened and her voice coming out loud.
A contradiction of feelings bubbled in Kieran's chest. He was both proud and annoyed that she knew him so well. Happy to see her fighting for them, and sad that it only made things harder.
But he wasn't surprised, because Rila Hana Hill isn't the kind of person who takes things easy. So he had to muster all the conviction he could to say the next words.
— Do you really think I haven't enjoyed everything professional hockey has to offer? That when I travel to other cities I'm alone in hotel rooms?
That made her stop in the middle of the room.
— What are you doing? — she leaned towards him, her index finger tapping his chest with each word — You're not this person, Kieran.
— How can you be sure of that? — his voice came out irritated, but he knew the feeling wasn't directed at her, but at himself — We barely know each other, two weeks over a few years is practically nothing. You don't know anything about me other than what I show you.
He could see the panic in her slanted eyes and the pain in his chest became overwhelming, agonizing and almost physical, making his breath hitch.
As Kieran pushed the love of his life away, he also destroyed himself along the way. He just had to keep reminding himself that he was doing this for her.
There was a mix of emotions written all over her face. Hurt, anger, shock, sadness, and pain. Each of these emotions made his chest tighten as if someone was stepping on it.
— You're a Hill, you grew up eating caviar and wearing clothes from brands I can't even pronounce — he took off the cap he was wearing and sank his fingers into his hair while his other hand crumpled the black piece — I wanted you to keep having those things with me and hockey was gonna be the thing that made sure that happened.
Rila stared at him in disbelief, her pink lips slightly parted and her eyebrows raised. She was angry, he could see the anger shining in her dark eyes and heating her pretty face to the point where her cheeks were slightly red. Damn, she was beautiful even as she sent furious glares on his way.
— You can't be serious. My God, that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard — she exhaled a humorless laugh — Did you really think I cared about those things? That I cared about money or that the lifestyle we would have wouldn't be like my parents’?
— I cared. I wanted to be able to give everything you deserve, Rila — he tapped his fingers against his sternum — It was about my ability to be able to take my place as your partner. And I couldn't do that knowing that you would lose all your comfort if I couldn't get back into the game.
— Well, that's not what you said that night!
— Would you have left if I had told you the truth? — she gave the answer by staying silent and swallowing dryly — Exactly.
— So you chose to act like we didn't mean anything, let me think you were sleeping with other people while we were together, and made me feel like an idiot for falling in love with your.
— Do you think I said those things, let you go, and was fine?
That I went on to enjoy my Christmas like nothing had happened?
Like my heart hadn't been ripped out of my chest and returned to Boston with you?
— the words passed through his lips with difficulty thanks to the lump of feelings that burned his throat — I was wrecked too.
They fell silent when Kieran finished speaking, his chest rising and falling rapidly as if he had just come out of one of his training exercises.
The mood there was a mix of resentment, surprise and regret. Yes, he regretted the way he handled the situation six years ago. At the time, it had seemed like the best decision, but now he was older and more mature and knew he should have found another way to talk to her.
— The problem wasn't just what you said, it was how that night affected my life, myself — her words carried a pain that seeped into Kieran's pores, and when he saw the dark eyes he loved grow moist, the tightness in his chest became intolerable.
It was unbearable to see her suffer. And it was even worse to know that he was the one who caused that.