CHAPTER 23
RILA
She was fighting back tears, but she already knew it was a losing battle. Now it was a matter of delaying their fall down her cheeks.
There was a pit in her stomach, one that made her feel hollow inside.
The feeling was so deep it felt real, and Rila would have checked her belly if she hadn't known it was medically impossible for that to be happening right now.
She hadn't had an accident, her intestines hadn't exploded, and she hadn't been disemboweled.
Still, that feeling was there.
— For years, years, Kieran, I trusted on my feeling for you — she gritted her teeth as her voice broke and took a deep breath to speak again — I felt safe with you and I never doubted what we had because you never gave me any reason to.
And when you said all those things that night you made me doubt myself — her throat tightened at the memory of the dark feeling that stayed with her for the months that followed — I kept going over all the moments and conversations we had, trying to see what I missed, where I went wrong and started to see things differently than you did.
She spent hours and hours searching through her memories to find her mistake. She was so focused on that thing that for days she forgot to eat, completely immersed in that obsession.
— I've always been so confident, so sure of my instincts and my feelings.
And you took this away from me that night.
Do you have any idea how long it took me to get back to being this person?
The Rila who's confident in herself, who knows what she wants, and who isn't afraid to fight for it?
— she gestured to her own body — Almost two years.
Almost two years of being hesitant, indecisive and insecure.
And that's why I hated you. Yeah, it hurt to have my heart broken, but it hurt even more to have broken me.
For her, there was nothing worse than losing sight of herself. And that's exactly what happened after that night.
— And now — she let out a humorless laugh — Now I find out that I was right back then, that I never had to doubt myself like I did, and that all my suffering was because of a lie. How do you think I feel?
During the entire conversation, Rila never took her eyes off his. The whole time, she stared into the vast expanse of blue and could see guilt and regret there. And she was sure he could also see the feeling in her eyes. But she wanted him to hear it too.
— Well, let me tell you: enraged.
— I'm so sorry, Rila — he sighed and ran a hand through his hair, his brow furrowed in dismay.
— I don't trust you to believe that, Kieran.
— I know. But I'm doing my best to change that, you just have to give me another chance — he took a step toward her, pleading — Please.
— I… — she stepped back and closed her eyes, finally breaking their eye contact — I need some time to think.
Rila saw his jaw tense, his Adam's apple moving as he gave a short jerk of his chin.
— I've been waiting for you for six years, I can wait a little longer.
She made it to her car without shedding a single tear. She drove with her throat burning and had to blink repeatedly when her vision became blurry. She didn't cry the whole way, but as soon as she pulled up in front of the Beckers’ house, that changed.
Thick, heavy tears ran down her face one after the other, the pressure in her chest fueling her crying. She knocked on the door with a certain desperation, her breathing becoming shallow because of the sobs that escaped her mouth.
The wood beneath her fist disappeared and Aunt Alex appeared in the doorway, her hand on the doorknob shaking from her condition and her kind brown eyes filled with shock.
— Rila? What happened, dear? — the woman a little shorter than her put the free hand on her back, pulling her into the house and into her arms.
She let her forehead fall on Alexandra's shoulder and felt her hair being stroked as she cried. All she wanted was for the pit in her stomach to go away and the tightness in her chest to ease.
— Was it him? — Aunt Alex asked, still holding her affectionately, and Rila nodded — Come on, let's go to the sofa.
They walked over to the turquoise seat and the owner of the house sat down, placing the doctor's head on her lap to stroke her dark locks while Rila let it all out. All the hurt, pain, anger and — as much as she didn't want to admit it — longing she felt being washed away by her tears.
She didn't know how much time had passed when she finally calmed down, her nose completely blocked and her head throbbing a little.
— I'm sorry, I must look like a crazy person.
— Oh, don't worry, dear, everybody goes crazy when love is involved — the body beneath Rila shook with a small laugh that made her smile slightly — Why don't you tell me what happened?
That's what she did for the next fifteen minutes. She told her everything about the winter break, that fateful Christmas Eve, and ended with their most recent conversation.
Aunt Alex listened in silence and remained that way for a few seconds after Rila stopped talking, her hands on her shoulder and hair fluttering a little.
— Giving second chances is not easy when the first one hurt our hearts.
But we are human, we make mistakes all the time — her soft, calm voice filled the room — He did what he thought was right at the time, and yes, it was a stupid idea, but he's trying to fix it, isn't he?
We can't expect people to be better if we're not willing to let them try to fix their mistakes.
The sound of cars passing by on the street, the clock in the kitchen, and her heavy breathing were the only things audible as she thought about those words.
Rila knew that Kieran was trying to make amends, the dates and milkshakes were part of that attempt.
The player was fighting for her at the same time she was fighting against him.
But that fight wasn't just about being stubborn.
Rila was fighting for herself. Because she didn't want to be that person again, the one who didn't trust her own judgment and who constantly questioned herself.
— Also, from what you said, you weren't the only one to suffer from this error — Rila got up from the older woman's lap when she spoke again, remaining seated next to her — It also hurts us when we hurt someone we love.
— You're acting like a devil's advocate defending him like this, Aunt Alex — she raised an eyebrow and rubbed the back of her hands over her cheeks, getting rid of the damp traces there.
— Oh, no, dear — she giggled — I'm defending a love that I think is worth living.