14. Sha’nelle Harper #4
Renza looked at me without givin’ me an answer, and that silence told me enough. He had found out everything he wanted to know about Couture while I had been laid up in this house thinkin’ we was finally gettin’ somewhere.
“You are out yo’ damn mind,” I told him, takin’ a step back.
Renza’s expression turned cold. “I’m out my mind behind you. It’s a difference.”
“No, it ain’t,” I replied, my voice shakin’ from anger now. “You sittin’ here talkin’ about killin’ somebody who ain’t done shit to you just ‘cause you can’t get yo’ way.”
“He in my way.”
“He ain’t in yo’ way, Renza. Yo’ behavior is.”
That hit him ‘cause his face changed, but he recovered so fast I almost missed it. His lips pressed together, and he looked at me like I was the one who had crossed a line.
“I’ll kill that nigga and anybody else attached to him,” he said. “I don’t give a fuck about him or his family.”
My eyes burned while I stared at him, but I refused to let the tears fall yet. “Then do what you feel like you gotta do, Renza, but understand somethin’. If you kill an innocent person ‘cause you think that’s gon’ make me choose you, you wrong.”
He ain’t move, and neither did I.
“I will never forgive you,” I continued, lookin’ dead in his eyes. “I would be miserable with you, and every time I look at you, I would think about what you did. So if that’s the way you plan on gettin’ me, do yo’ biggest one.”
The anger left his face so quick that all I saw undern it was hurt.
Renza looked away from me, ran his hand down his face and stared at the floor like he was tryna get control of whatever was goin’ through his head.
Part of me wanted to take my words back ‘cause I knew they cut him deep, but I meant that shit. I loved him too much to let him think destroyin’ somebody else’s life was the way to build one with me.
For a while, neither one of us said anything. Renza finally walked over to where his clothes was and started pullin’ ‘em on without lookin’ at me.
“If I leave this city without you, I ain’t comin’ back out here no more,” he said after he pulled his pants up. His voice was calm now, but that calmness hurt worse than all the yellin’ did.
My eyes filled with tears ‘cause all I wanted was time. I wanted him to let me deal with my life, talk to Couture and make my own decision without feelin’ like a gun was pressed against everybody around me.
Instead, Renza had turned it into another choice I had to make before I was ready.
“Okay,” I whispered.
His head lifted so fast that I knew he ain’t expected me to say it. The look on his face damn near broke me ‘cause for one second, Renza ain’t look pissed off or dangerous. He looked like I had just told him he ain’t mean shit to me.
But he did mean somethin’…
He meant too damn much, and that was exactly why I couldn’t keep lettin’ him pull me wherever he wanted without thinkin’ about what it was doin’ to me.
I wiped the tears from my face and started gettin’ dressed. Renza ain’t ask me what I was doin’ ‘cause he already knew. Normally, he would’ve stepped in front of the door, took my clothes or done whatever he could to stop me from leavin’, but this time he kept gettin’ dressed too.
All the new clothes he bought me was spread all over the place, but I ain’t touch none of it. I put on what I had wore when I first came here and grabbed my purse ‘cause I ain’t want Renza thinkin’ I was takin’ his gifts after tellin’ him I couldn’t give him what he wanted.
He grabbed his keys from the dresser and walked out the bedroom without sayin’ shit. I followed behind him, fightin’ the urge to call his name ‘cause I knew if he turned around and pulled me into his arms, I might fold and go wherever he told me to go.
The ride to my mama house was so quiet that every sound inside the car felt too loud.
Renza kept both hands on the wheel and stared straight ahead while I sat in the passenger seat lookin’ out the window.
Tears kept fillin’ my eyes, and I wiped ‘em away before they could roll down my face ‘cause I ain’t want him to see how bad this shit was hurtin’ me.
Every few minutes, I looked toward him, hopin’ he would say somethin’ or at least glance my way. He never did.
When he finally pulled in front of my mama house, he put the car in park and kept his eyes on the windshield. I sat here for a second with my hand on the door, waitin’ for him to stop me or tell me he ain’t mean what he said.
Renza stayed quiet…
I swallowed the lump in my throat, opened the door and stepped out with my purse. He ain’t look at me when I closed it, and by the time I made it halfway toward the porch, his car was already pullin’ away from the curb.
I stood here and watched until his taillights disappeared down the street. Then I unlocked the front door, walked inside and dropped my purse near the couch.
The second I sat down, everything I had been holdin’ in finally came out. I buried my face in my hands and cried ‘cause I loved Renza enough to want to run after him, but I also loved myself enough to know I couldn’t let him decide my whole life for me.