20. Sha’nelle Harprer
Greystone City
When I woke up, I saw that I had two missed calls and a voicemail from Renza.
His name sittin’ across my screen had me wide awake before I even pushed myself up from the pillows.
It had been almost a month since we really talked, and even though he called a few days ago to check on my grandma, I never called him back like I promised I would.
I told myself I had too much goin’ on, but the truth was I ain’t know what the hell to say to him without openin’ that same door I had spent weeks tryna keep closed.
I was still at my mama’s house ‘cause my grandma had only been home from the hospital for a couple days, and everybody felt better with somebody nearby in case she started feelin’ bad again. Couture had offered to stay with me, but I told him I was fine.
I sat against the headboard and pressed play.
Renza’s voice came through low and rough, and it was obvious he had been drinkin’.
He told me he loved me, missed me and ain’t understand why it was so hard for me to just come be with him.
He went on about how he treated me good, how good we was together and how he could take care of me if I would stop fightin’ what was between us.
The voicemail cut off while he was still talkin’, but what he already said was enough to have my damn feelin’s all over the place.
I listened to it again even though I ain’t have no business doing that shit.
There was somethin’ about hearin’ Renza damn near beg that tore through every excuse I had been usin’ to keep myself away from him. That nigga had too much pride to admit when he was hurt, so hearin’ him say he wasn’t doin’ well made it harder to pretend I was the only one protectin’ myself.
Still, I had Couture…
That probably sounded crazy after everything I had done with Renza, but bein’ with Couture felt safer.
Our relationship wasn’t built around arguments, threats or me havin’ to fight to hold on to myself.
Couture ain’t try to decide what I wore, where I lived or when I was supposed to leave the city.
He asked instead of told, and even when we disagreed, he gave me enough room to think without actin’ like my hesitation was disrespect.
Everything with him was just quiet and peaceful.
I could breathe around Couture without feelin’ like he was tryna crawl inside my body and take over every thought I had. At the same time, that peace had started feelin’ like somethin’ I was forcin’ myself to appreciate ‘cause it made more sense than the chaos Renza brought into my life.
A few weeks ago, Couture told me he loved me again.
The first time he said it, I ain’t say it back ‘cause the words got stuck somewhere between my heart and my mouth. This time, he was standin’ in his kitchen with his arms around me when he said it, and I finally told him I loved him too. I meant it. At least, I believed I did.
I cared about Couture more than I expected to when we first started spendin’ time together.
Somewhere along the way, his family stopped feelin’ like just his family.
I looked forward to Sunday dinners at his mama’s house, and I caught myself wonderin’ what Justice was doin’ whenever a few days passed without me seein’ him.
Every time I walked through the front door, his whole face lit up soon as he saw me, and before I even realized it, I had started lookin’ forward to seein’ him just as much.
It scared me ‘cause I knew attachments like that ain’t only happen with the person you was datin’.
They happened with the people that came with them too.
Somewhere between spendin’ time with Couture and bein’ welcomed into his world, I started carin’ about people that ain’t did nothin’ but love me exactly the way I was.
Walkin’ away from Couture wasn’t only walkin’ away from him no more. It meant losin’ people who had opened they home to me and allowed me into some of the most sensitive parts of they life. It meant hurtin’ a man who had never done nothin’ but love me the best way he knew how.
I stared at Renza’s voicemail while all those thoughts moved through my head.
No matter how hard I tried to make my heart settle inside the life I had with Couture, Renza could say my name one time and remind me that part of me was still somewhere in Trill-Land with him.
I picked up my phone and called Toni before I could talk myself out of it. She answered after a few rings, and I could hear plates movin’ around in the background.
“What you doin’?” I asked when she picked up.
“I just made breakfast for My’Love and ‘Lo before he go to the shop,” Toni answered. “Why you sound like that?”
I rubbed my hand over my face and looked toward the bedroom door to make sure nobody was comin’ in. “I’on know what the hell I’m doin’, Toni.”
“What happened?” She asked, and the sounds around her lowered like she had stepped away from everybody else.
“Renza left me a voicemail last night,” I told her. “He was drunk, and he was sayin’ how much he miss me, love me and don’t understand why I won’t just come be with him.”
Toni stayed quiet for a moment before askin’, “What that do to you?”
“It tore my heart up,” I admitted. “I been listenin’ to it since I woke up, and now I’m sittin’ here wonderin’ if I’m makin’ a mistake.”
“A mistake with Couture?” Toni asked carefully.
“With all this shit, bitch” I answered. “I care about Couture. I done got close to his mama and his nephew, and I finally told him I love him. How the fuck I’m supposed to turn around and tell him none of that was enough?”
Toni sighed before she answered me. “‘Nelle, I believe you love Couture. I ain’t never said you didn’t. But lovin’ somebody don’t always mean that’s where yo’ soul at.”
I closed my eyes ‘cause I already knew where she was goin’ with the shit.
“You think I should be with Renza,” I asked.
“I think you need to stop makin’ yo’self suffer ‘cause Couture feel easier,” Toni replied. “You used to havin’ yo’ way with niggas. You used to bein’ able to pull back, and they gon’ wait until you ready to come close again. Renza don’t work like that, and that’s why he got you so fucked up.”
I pushed the cover away and got out of bed while holdin’ the phone against my ear. “Why the fuck that nigga gotta have good dick and feel good to my whole damn soul too? He couldn’t just be crazy and bad in bed?”
Toni laughed before she answered, “Because he a damn Mensah. That’s how they come. Crazy, possessive and know how to make you forget every reason you was mad.”
I shook my head even though she couldn’t see me. “Should I call him back?”
“That depend on what you plan on sayin’,” she replied.
“If you callin’ to keep givin’ him half of you while you stay with Couture, leave that man alone.
But if you ready to stop fightin’ and really go be with him, call him.
Renza waitin’ with his arms open, but you gotta stop tryna make yo’ heart fit into another man’s hands. ”
The words sat with me ‘cause that was exactly what I had been doin’. Couture’s hands felt safe, but every part of me kept reachin’ beyond ‘em for Renza.
“I do love Couture,” I said again, like repeatin’ it might make everything easier.
“I know you do,” Toni assured me. “But you don’t be talkin’ about Couture the way you talk about Renza. When you talk about Couture, you tell me what make sense. When you talk about Renza, you sound like you tryna survive that nigga.”
I went quiet and looked down at my phone.
Memories from him bein’ out here started movin’ through my head.
Renza had took me all around the city, kept me close for a whole week and loved on me like he had been starvin’ for me. Even when he got on my nerves, there was never a moment where I doubted what he felt.
I was tired of fightin’ him…
I did wanna go home to him, but before I changed my entire life, I needed to know whether the Reni situation was really over. When I asked Renza about her the other night, he told me he wasn’t dealin’ with her. I wanted to believe him, but somethin’ in me still wasn’t fully buyin’ that shit.
“What’s Reni last name? I’m ‘bout to look her up on IG,” I told Toni.
Toni paused before givin’ it to me.
My eyebrows lifted. “Bitch, that’s our last name. You think she related to us?”
Toni smacked her lips so loud I pulled the phone away from my ear. “Hell nah. That bitch ain’t related to us.”
A laugh slipped out of me for the first time this mornin’. “How you know?”
“‘Cause I been around that annoyin’ ass girl enough to know,” Toni answered. “And her real name ain’t Reni either. It’s Renaissance.”
“Renaissance?” I repeated as I opened Instagram.
“Yeah, Renaissance,” Toni said. “Type that in.”
It ain’t take long for her page to come up. The profile was public, and when I clicked it, the first thing I saw was Renza’s ass laid across her bed. My smile disappeared.
The picture had been posted a few hours ago, and there was videos behind it. In one of ‘em, Reni was holdin’ the camera over them while she kissed Renza’s lips. He was knocked out cold, laid on his back while she ran her nails over his waves like she wanted everybody watchin’ to know she had him.
Her caption made my stomach turn.
Can’t take a nigga I already had.
“What the fuck?” I whispered.
“What?” Toni asked quick. “You found her?”
“I found her,” I answered while swipin’ through the post again. “And Renza laid in this bitch bed right now.”
Toni went quiet.
The sickness in my stomach turned into anger so fast that I barely recognized myself. Renza had been on my voicemail last night damn near cryin’ about how much he loved and missed me while he was laid up with Reni.
“I knew it,” I said while shakin’ my muthafuckin’ head. “I knew this nigga was full of shit. My gut kept tellin’ me somethin’ wasn’t right. This why he wasn’t hittin’ me up, but it’s cool.”
Toni sighed on the other end. “This bring back too many memories of when ‘Lo was fuckin’ with Echo, and that bitch kept postin’ pictures in her stories.”