2. Renza Mensah
Trill-Land
I was still in my whip, sittin’ in this same empty ass lot with the engine off and both hands in my lap while I stared through the windshield.
I ain’t know how long I had been here. It was long enough for the sun to move and long enough for the inside of my truck to get hot as fuck, but I ain’t give a fuck enough to turn the air on.
I had spent all this time tryna get my shit together, and somewhere in the middle of it, the tears I had been fightin’ finally won.
I wiped my face hard with the palm of my hand and looked down at the shit across my skin.
That shit pissed me off more than anything.
I rubbed both hands over my face and leaned my head back against the seat ‘cause I ain’t understand how Sha’Nelle had managed to hurt me this fuckin’ bad without even bein’ here.
She ain’t have to say shit to me. She ain’t have to cuss me out or tell me she hated me. All that woman had to do was stand in some field, tell another nigga yes and let him put a ring on her finger. Now I was sittin’ in my truck cryin’ behind some shit I couldn’t fight, shoot or fix with money.
My phone had been ringin’ somewhere on the passenger seat, but I ain’t look over there once.
I heard that bitch go off more than one time and ignored it every time ‘cause I ain’t wanna talk to nobody.
I ain’t wanna hear Pressure tellin’ me to come back to the crib, and I damn sure ain’t wanna hear Kay’Lo askin’ if I was good when both of us already knew I wasn’t.
I ain’t have no jokes for nobody today, and I ain’t have the energy to make everybody else comfortable by actin’ like some shit wasn’t eatin’ me alive.
What fucked me up the most was how stupid I felt now that I had enough time to really think about everything I had been doin’.
I had been walkin’ through houses talkin’ about where Sha’Nelle was gon’ cook, where she was gon’ put her shit and what kind of closet she needed.
I had been lookin’ at land and thinkin’ about where our kids could play one day when me and that woman wasn’t even speakin’.
I had a damn engagement ring hidden away for somebody who had me blocked while I was out here tellin’ myself she only needed time.
I lowered my head and let out a long breath while my hands rubbed over my thighs. “Dumb ass nigga,” I mumbled to myself ‘cause there wasn’t nobody else around to hear me.
I had money, businesses and enough property to put my name on whatever the fuck I wanted, but I couldn’t buy my way out of feelin’ stupid behind Sha’Nelle. That was the part I hated.
I had spent my whole life knowin’ how to move when shit went wrong.
If somebody crossed me, I handled it. If I wanted somethin’, I went after it.
Even when shit got ugly, I trusted myself to figure my way through it ‘cause I knew what kind of nigga I was. Sha’Nelle was the only person who ever made me question what the fuck I was supposed to do next.
Another tear slipped down my face before I could stop it, and I wiped that bitch away too.
I ain’t even have the energy to be mad at myself no more ‘cause the shit kept comin’ whether I wanted it to or not.
I bowed my head and took a deep breath before finally reachin’ across the console for my phone.
The screen lit up in my hand, and the first thing I saw was Sha’Nelle name.
For a second, everything else disappeared ‘cause I couldn’t believe what the fuck I was lookin’ at.
After almost three months of nothin’, her name was sittin’ on my phone with a missed call under it.
Right under that was a message from her askin’ if I could call her when I got a chance.
My heart jumped so hard that I sat up straighter.
I stared at the screen and read that lil’ message again.
Then I read it one more time ‘cause some fucked up part of me immediately started reachin’ for her before my mind could catch up.
My thumb moved toward her name, and all I wanted to do was press that shit.
I wanted to hear her voice. I wanted to know why she called me after all this time and why the fuck she chose today to finally unblock me.
Then that video came right back into my head.
I saw that nigga on one knee again. I saw Sha’Nelle lookin’ down at him and heard that yes come out her mouth. I saw him put that ring on her finger before he stood up and kissed her in front of his whole family, and whatever part of me had been ready to call her changed.
I wanted to cuss her the fuck out…
I wanted to ask her what kind of shit she was on and why she thought she could call me after agreein’ to marry another nigga.
I wanted to ask if she knew I had been out here plannin’ a whole life around her while she was buildin’ one with him.
I wanted to tell her she had me fucked up and that she ain’t have no right to reach back into my life now that she had finally made her choice.
The problem was, I knew myself.
If I called Sha’Nelle and heard that voice, there wasn’t no tellin’ where my head would go.
If she cried, I was fucked. If she told me she missed me, I was fucked.
If she said my name the way she did whenever all that attitude left her and she was really talkin’ to me from her heart, I might be on a jet to Greystone before the sun went down.
That woman was dangerous as fuck to me, and it ain’t have shit to do with bein’ scared she would physically hurt me.
I had been around some evil shit and still had enough sense to think.
I had walked into situations knowin’ somebody might not walk back out, and fear ain’t never made my decisions for me.
Sha’Nelle could do worse than any of that shit ‘cause she could make me forget every promise I made to myself just by lettin’ me know there was still a piece of her that wanted me.
That was the kind of danger I ain’t know how to protect myself from.
My thumb moved over the call button while I stared at her name. Every part of me wanted to press it, but I knew if I did, I was handin’ my heart right back to the same woman who had just crushed that bitch without even knowin’ it.
“Nah,” I whispered while shakin’ my head. “I can’t fuck with you, ‘Nelle.”
Even sayin’ it hurt ‘cause I knew it wasn’t true. I could fuck with her. That was the whole fuckin’ problem. I could fuck with Sha’Nelle until there wasn’t nothin’ left of me that belonged to myself.
I backed out of the call screen and went to her contact instead.
My finger stopped when I got to the option to block her ‘cause I had never done no shit like this before. Bitches had blocked me plenty of times when they got mad, and I usually found that shit funny ‘cause if I really wanted to reach somebody, a blocked number wasn’t stoppin’ me.
I had never been the nigga who needed to block a woman just to keep myself from callin’ her.
Sha’Nelle was different though…
I pressed it before I could change my mind and confirmed that I wanted her blocked.
The second it was done, I stared at the screen with this fucked up feelin’ in my chest ‘cause it felt bigger than blockin’ a number.
It felt like I had finally closed the only door I had spent almost three months waitin’ for her to open.
I sat here for another minute before goin’ into our messages.
That was an even worse idea…
There was too much of us in that shit. Arguments sat right next to conversations that had me smilin’ when I first read ‘em. There was Sha’Nelle cussin’ me out over some shit I probably deserved, and a few messages later, she was tellin’ me what she wanted to eat.
I found old messages from Greystone when we was stayin’ at the Airbnb and I was gettin’ on her nerves while we was in the same damn house.
There was pictures she sent me when she was gettin’ dressed and messages from nights when neither one of us wanted to be the first to admit we missed each other.
I scrolled until I realized I was only hurtin’ myself more.
My finger stayed over the screen for a second before I deleted the whole thread.
I went to my pictures next, and that shit nearly made me call her anyway.
The first picture I found was Sha’Nelle laid up against me in bed with half her face buried against my chest. My beard was fucked up ‘cause she had been pullin’ at it, and she had that satisfied ass look on her face that used to make me talk shit every time I saw it.
I swiped to the next one and saw us dressed to go out.
I was clean as fuck in that bitch, and Sha’Nelle was right beside me lookin’ even better.
Her hand was against my chest and her lips was on the side of my mouth.
I remembered tellin’ her she was lucky I let her stand next to me lookin’ that good ‘cause she was takin’ attention away from my outfit.
She called me a stupid ass nigga and kissed me again.
Another picture had her sittin’ on my lap with both hands in my beard while I looked at her. I stared at it longer than I should’ve.
In my head, Sha’Nelle had been my woman long before she ever agreed with that shit.
Maybe that had been part of our problem.
I felt somethin’ for her and claimed it before she ever had the chance to decide what she wanted to call it.
I loved her so hard that somewhere along the way, I started believin’ the strength of my feelin’s meant hers had to end in the same place.
Now she had somebody else’s ring on her finger, and I had a phone full of memories that ain’t belong in the life she chose.