2. Renza Mensah #2
I started deletin’ ‘em. Every picture took somethin’ with it.
Every video made me wanna stop, especially the ones where I could hear her laughin’ behind the camera or see her leanin’ into me while I talked shit.
I deleted the pictures of us in bed, the ones from nights out and the random shit she sent when she wanted me to see what she had on.
I deleted the videos where she was kissin’ all over my lips and playin’ in my beard.
I even deleted the pictures I had saved ‘cause she looked too damn good for me not to keep ‘em.
By the time I was done, my eyes was wet again.
“Fuck,” I muttered while lockin’ my phone and tossin’ it back onto the passenger seat.
I wiped my face with both hands before startin’ the truck. The engine came alive around me, and I turned the air up ‘cause I finally noticed how hot it had got inside this bitch.
I ain’t put no destination in the navigation and ain’t call nobody to tell ‘em where I was headed. I pulled out the lot and got back on the road ‘cause sittin’ here wasn’t doin’ shit but makin’ me wanna dig through my recently deleted folder and put every piece of her right back where it was.
I drove without thinkin’ about where I was goin’.
I passed turns I knew and kept movin’ until the streets started lookin’ less familiar.
I ain’t play no music ‘cause every damn song sounded like it had the potential to piss me off, and I ain’t need some singer tellin’ me shit about heartbreak when I was already livin’ it.
At some point, I looked in my rearview mirror and recognized Kay’Lo’s truck behind me.
I frowned and switched lanes. That nigga switched too, but I kept drivin’. Kay’Lo stayed right there.
I knew exactly what he was doin’, and under normal circumstances I would’ve called him and told him to get the fuck from behind me. Today, I ain’t have enough energy to argue with him. If his dumb ass wanted to waste gas followin’ me around Trill-Land, that was his business.
An hour passed, and he was still there. Then another one went by.
I drove through parts of the island I ain’t had no reason to be in and took roads that led nowhere I needed to go. A few times, I thought Kay’Lo would finally get tired and turn around, but every time I checked my mirror, his truck was still behind mine.
He never called me. He never flashed his lights or pulled beside me tryna get my attention. He just followed.
I finally let out a long sigh ‘cause that nigga clearly had more patience than I did. I pulled on the side of a quiet road and put my truck in park. Kay’Lo stopped behind me a few seconds later, and I watched through the mirror as his door opened.
He got out with a blunt tucked behind his ear and walked toward my passenger side. I reached over and unlocked the door before he got here ‘cause I already knew he wasn’t askin’ permission.
Kay’Lo climbed in and shut the door behind him. He looked at me for a second, and I looked straight ahead ‘cause I ain’t wanna see no sympathy on that nigga face.
He ain’t ask if I was good. He ain’t tell me Sha’Nelle ain’t deserve me or start talkin’ that bullshit people said when they ain’t know what else to say. He ain’t tell me there was other bitches out here ‘cause he knew damn well I ain’t give a fuck about no other woman.
He reached behind his ear, pulled the blunt out and sparked it. He took a couple pulls before crackin’ the window enough to let some of the smoke escape. Then he held it toward me without sayin’ a word.
I looked at the blunt and then at him before takin’ it. I pulled from it until the smoke filled my chest, held it for a second and blew it toward my cracked window. Kay’Lo leaned back against the passenger seat while I passed it to him, and for a while, that was all we did.
We just smoked…
He passed it to me, and I passed it back.
Every now and then, I looked through the windshield at the empty road ahead of us while my mind went right back to Sha’Nelle.
I thought about that ring on her finger and how eventually there would probably be a weddin’ behind it.
She would wear some beautiful ass dress ‘cause Sha’Nelle ain’t know how to do shit halfway when it came to lookin’ good.
That nigga would stand somewhere waitin’ on her, and if she went through with it, she would walk toward him and become his wife.
I took another pull from the blunt ‘cause the thought made my chest hurt all over again.
Kay’Lo took the blunt from my fingers when I held it toward him, and his shoulder rested against the seat beside mine. He still ain’t say shit, and for once, I appreciated that more than anything he could’ve told me. There wasn’t shit he could fix and he knew it.
There wasn’t no speech that could make me stop lovin’ Sha’Nelle, and there wasn’t no joke I could crack that would make that ring disappear from her finger. I had to sit in this shit until my heart finally understood what my eyes already saw.
I rubbed my hand over my face and looked down at the phone sittin’ near the console.
Sha’Nelle couldn’t call me no more, and I couldn’t keep torturin’ myself with old pictures whenever I got weak enough to miss her.
I had done everything I could think of to start cuttin’ her out of my life, but my mind still knew every damn thing my phone ain’t have anymore.
That was gon’ be the hard part…
I could delete pictures and messages. I could block numbers and put that blue diamond ring somewhere I ain’t have to look at it. I could stop askin’ Kay’Lo about her and never say Sha’Nelle’s name again if that was what it took. But… none of that changed the fact that I loved her.
Kay’Lo passed the blunt back to me, and I took it while keepin’ my eyes on the road ahead.
My cousin had followed me around for hours without knowin’ where the fuck I was goin’, and now he sat beside me without askin’ me to explain nothin’.
He ain’t need me to tell him I was fucked up ‘cause he already knew.
I took one last pull before passin’ the blunt back and leaned my head against the seat.
For the first time since I saw that video, I ain’t try to tell myself Sha’Nelle was gon’ change her mind. I ain’t tell myself she was scared, confused or waitin’ for me to come get her. I ain’t make up no reason why her yes ain’t really mean yes.
I let myself believe what I saw. Sha’Nelle had agreed to marry that nigga, and if I was really done hurtin’ myself behind that woman, I had to start acceptin’ that she might spend the rest of her life with him.
I looked through the windshield while Kay’Lo smoked beside me, and another tear slid down my face. This time, I ain’t rush to wipe the shit away.
I just sat there with my cousin and let it fall…
Me and ‘Lo had been in my truck for hours, and by the time we finally stopped smokin’, the sun had disappeared and the whole road around us was dark.
Neither one of us had said much the entire time, and I appreciated him enough not to force no conversation out of me just ‘cause he ain’t know what else to do.
When we finally got out, I stretched beside my truck and rubbed both hands over my face. My whole body felt tired as fuck, but it wasn’t the kind of tired some sleep could fix.
My head hurt, my eyes felt raw and all I wanted was to get home without havin’ to talk to another person. Kay’Lo walked around his truck and came toward me. He ain’t say nothin’ when he pulled me into him, and I hugged my cousin back while pattin’ his back a couple times.
“I’m straight, ‘Lo,” I told him once we pulled apart.
Kay’Lo looked at me for a few seconds ‘cause both of us knew I was still full of shit, but he ain’t call me on it this time. “A’ight, Cuz. Hit me when you get to the crib.”
“I got you,” I replied before openin’ my door.
Kay’Lo waited until I was inside before walkin’ back to his own truck, and I ain’t pull off until I saw him get in.
Once we got back on the road, he went one way and I went the other.
I turned my music on for about thirty seconds before cuttin’ that shit right back off.
I wasn’t finna let some sad ass song catch me at the wrong time and have me somewhere cryin’ like a bitch again at another red light.
I had embarrassed myself enough for one damn day.
The drive home felt longer than it really was ‘cause my mind wouldn’t leave me the fuck alone.
Every time I managed to think about somethin’ else, Sha’Nelle slipped right back in there.
I would think about that video, then her ring, then the one I bought for her.
After that came some random memory I ain’t ask for.
It would be her fussin’ at me, laid up beside me or lookin’ at me with them deep, pretty eyes.
“Get the fuck out my head,” I muttered while turnin’ on the road leadin’ home.
That woman wasn’t even around, and she was still gettin’ on my damn nerves.
By the time I made it back to the crib, I ain’t bother doin’ shit besides parkin’ and headin’ inside. I wasn’t lookin’ for Pressure or nobody else ‘cause I ain’t wanna answer no questions. I went straight to my side of the wing and closed myself inside my room before tossin’ my keys on the dresser.
Everything was quiet, which was exactly what I thought I wanted until I had to stand here in it.
I pulled my shirt over my head and threw it somewhere near the chair before steppin’ out my shoes.
My pants came next, then my briefs, and I left all that shit where it landed.
Usually I couldn’t stand clothes bein’ all over my floor ‘cause I liked my shit a certain way, but tonight I ain’t give a fuck.
Somebody could pick it up tomorrow or I could step over it until it started pissin’ me off.