2. Renza Mensah #3
I went in the bathroom and turned the shower on hot before steppin’ under it.
The water ran over my head and down my face while I stood here with both hands against the wall.
I closed my eyes and tried to clear my mind, but that shit lasted all of ten seconds before I saw Sha’Nelle again. I opened my eyes and shook my head.
“Man, fuck this shit.”
I grabbed my soap and started washin’ ‘cause I needed somethin’ to do besides stand here thinkin’.
I washed my face, scrubbed over my chest and arms, then let the water run over me while I tried to convince myself that tomorrow would be different.
I would wake up and get back to business.
I had too much shit goin’ on to spend my days fucked up behind somebody else’s fiancée. Even thinkin’ that word pissed me off.
Fiancée…
I ain’t wanna picture Sha’Nelle as nobody’s damn fiancée.
I ain’t wanna picture her plannin’ no weddin’ with that nigga or sittin’ somewhere lookin’ at dresses.
I ain’t wanna think about that nigga callin’ her his future wife when I had spent all this time believin’ she was eventually gon’ come back to me.
The more I tried not to think about it, the worse that shit got.
I turned my face into the water and let it run over me while I stayed under here longer than I needed to. At some point, I realized I was just wastin’ hot water and finally shut it off. I stepped out, grabbed a towel and dried myself before rubbin’ it over my head.
I ain’t even have it in me to put no clothes on. I dried my nuts, tossed the towel across the chair near the bathroom and walked my naked ass straight to the bed. I pulled the cover back and got in before layin’ here on my back with one arm behind my head.
Sleep ain’t come… Of course that bitch ain’t come.
I stared at the ceilin’ until I started gettin’ irritated with that too. I turned on my side, then my stomach before rollin’ on my back again ‘cause layin’ on my dick hurt a lil’. I closed my eyes and tried to make my mind blank, but all I could see was Sha’Nelle standin’ in that damn field.
After a while, I opened my eyes and looked toward my dresser.
My phone was sittin’ over there. I had blocked Sha’Nelle earlier, and I knew I needed to leave that shit alone.
I had already deleted our messages and every picture or video I had of her.
I did all that for a reason, and diggin’ around for some other way to hurt my own feelin’s would defeat the whole purpose. Still, my heart was curious as fuck.
I laid here fightin’ myself for another minute before throwin’ the cover off and gettin’ out the bed. “This some dumb ass shit,” I mumbled as I walked across the room.
I grabbed my phone and got back in bed before unlockin’ it. I already knew blocked calls could still leave voicemails, and I hated myself a lil’ bit for even checkin’. I went into the blocked messages expectin’ to see nothin’, but there was three.
My whole body reacted before I could stop it. I sat up against the headboard and stared at the screen while my heart started poundin’ all over again. Three fuckin’ voicemails from Sha’Nelle was sittin’ there after I had spent half the day tryna convince myself I was done with her.
I rubbed my hand over my face and looked away from the phone.
“Leave that shit alone, Renza.”
I knew better, but my thumb pressed the first message.
There was silence for a couple seconds before Sha’Nelle’s voice came through the speaker, and just hearin’ her after almost three months made somethin’ move inside my chest.
“Renza, it’s me. I guess you already know that, but I can see my calls ain’t goin’ through no more, so I’m guessin’ you blocked me.
I don’t even know if you gon’ listen to this shit, but I wanted you to hear it from me before you heard it from somebody else.
Couture asked me to marry him yesterday, and I said yes. ”
I closed my eyes as soon as she said it. Hearin’ that shit in her voice was worse than watchin’ the video.
Sha’Nelle went quiet for a few seconds before continuin’.
“I don’t really know what I’m supposed to say to you about it.
I know we ain’t spoke in almost three months, and I know I ain’t owe you no explanation after everything that happened, but that ain’t how it feel to me.
It feel wrong for you to find out from somebody else, and I don’t want you thinkin’ I did this shit to hurt you or prove somethin’ to you.
I didn’t. I just… I wanted to tell you myself. That’s all.”
The voicemail ended, and I stared at the screen.
I could hear how careful she had been. Sha’Nelle normally said whatever the fuck came to her mind and worried about the damage afterward, but every word in that message sounded like she had picked it before lettin’ it leave her mouth.
I pressed my tongue against the inside of my cheek and looked toward the other side of the room.
“What the fuck you want me to do with that, ‘Nelle?” I asked nobody.
She said yes to that nigga. Whether she meant to hurt me ain’t change what happened.
I should’ve deleted all three messages right then, but my thumb moved to the second one instead. This time, she started talkin’ almost immediately.
“Renza, I need to say this too ‘cause it’s botherin’ me.
I never told you I wasn’t comin’ to Trill-Land.
I know shit got ugly between us and I blocked you, but I never said I wasn’t comin’.
I asked you for time. That was all I kept askin’ you for.
I needed time to get my shit together ‘cause everything with you happen so damn fast, and sometimes I don’t know how to take you. ”
I lowered my head while she kept talkin’.
“Everything I told you was true. I wasn’t lyin’ when I said I had feelin’s for you.
I wasn’t lyin’ about none of the shit that happened between us, and I wasn’t playin’ with you.
You just make everything so fuckin’ hard sometimes ‘cause you don’t know how to let me figure shit out without decidin’ what I’m supposed to do before I can even think.
I needed some room, Renza. I needed you to let me miss you without you pullin’ up somewhere, threatenin’ somebody or tellin’ me what the fuck I was gon’ do. I was comin’. I just needed time.”
I stopped the message. My eyes burned while I stared down at the phone. Then, I played the rest.
“I don’t know what else you want me to say ‘cause I don’t even know what the fuck I’m doin’ right now. I just know I couldn’t let you think none of it meant somethin’ different to me than what I told you. It didn’t. I meant that shit.”
When the message ended, I leaned my head back against the headboard and looked at the ceilin’.
“Then why the fuck you marryin’ him?” I asked through my teeth.
That was the shit I couldn’t understand.
If everything between us was real and she was really comin’ back, what the fuck happened?
How did we go from her needin’ time to another nigga puttin’ a ring on her finger?
How was I supposed to hear that she meant everything she told me and feel better about any of this shit?
I wanted to call her…
My thumb damn near moved toward her contact before I remembered I blocked her for this exact reason.
One conversation would turn into me demandin’ answers.
Then she would cry or get mad, I would hear somethin’ in her voice that made me believe I still had a chance, and every piece of progress I made today would be gone.
I looked at the third voicemail. Somethin’ about it bothered me before I even pressed play ‘cause it was longer than the other two. I almost deleted it without listenin’. Instead, I pressed it.
At first, I ain’t hear nothin’ besides her breathin’. Then there was a small sniff through the speaker. My stomach dropped.
“Renza…” Sha’Nelle said, and her voice was already fucked up.
I just sat still…
She sniffed again before tryna speak. “I don’t even know why I’m callin’ again ‘cause you clearly don’t wanna talk to me, and I know I need to respect that.”
Her voice cracked, and I looked away from the phone like that was gon’ make hearin’ her cry any easier.
“I just don’t want you thinkin’ I ain’t care,” she continued. “I care too fuckin’ much, and that’s the problem. I been tryna convince myself for months that I could just go back to my life and eventually everything with you would stop hurtin’. It ain’t.”
I lowered my head…
Sha’Nelle started cryin’ harder, and I heard her try to pull herself together before she spoke again.
“I know what I said yes to, and I know how fucked up this probably sound comin’ to you now. I just needed you to know that I ain’t forget you. I ain’t wake up one mornin’ and stop feelin’ everything I felt for you. It’s just… ugh…”
A tear fell from my eye and landed against my hand. I wiped that muthafucka away, but another one followed before I could even get mad about the first.
Sha’Nelle sniffed through the speaker, and I could hear her tryna talk around her cryin’.
“I miss you,” she whispered. “I miss yo’ stupid ass so fuckin’ much, and I hate that I do ‘cause you get on my damn nerves. I hate how you think you can make every decision for me. I hate how you do crazy shit and then look at me like I’m the one overreactin’.
I hate that you always know when I’m finna give in to you before I even know it myself. ”
A broken lil’ sound came through the phone before she continued.
“But I miss you. I miss laughin’ with you, smokin’ with you and layin’ up with you.
I miss you talkin’ shit all day and botherin’ me just ‘cause you know you can. I miss rubbin’ that beard and tellin’ you to get out my face while I’m pullin’ you closer at the same damn time.
I miss bein’ with you, and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with that shit now. ”
My eyes closed. I couldn’t fuckin’ take it.