2. Renza Mensah #4
I put my head down and squeezed the bridge of my nose while tears rolled down my face. My eyes already felt swollen from everything earlier, and now Sha’Nelle was somewhere cryin’ on my voicemail tellin’ me she missed me after I finally made myself accept that she belonged to somebody else.
Her voice came through again.
“I’m sorry, Renza. I’m sorry if I hurt you. I swear I ain’t never wanted to hurt you, and maybe I should’ve left you alone a long time ago instead of keepin’ us stuck in this shit. I don’t know. I don’t know nothin’ right now.”
She cried, and I sat here listenin’ ‘cause I couldn’t make myself stop the message.
“I love you,” she finally whispered. “I know I probably ain’t got no business sayin’ that to you now, but I do. I love you, and I’m sorry.”
The voicemail ended. I sat there with my head down and the phone in my hand while everything inside me hurt.
“Fuck,” I whispered.
I rubbed my palms over my face and tried to pull myself together, but hearin’ Sha’Nelle cry had fucked up whatever strength I thought I had left.
I hated knowin’ she was hurt. That was the part of me she always had access to no matter how pissed off I was.
I could be ready to tear the whole fuckin’ world apart, but if Sha’Nelle cried ‘cause she was genuinely hurt, every instinct in me wanted to get to her.
Tonight, I couldn’t do that…
I couldn’t save her from somethin’ I was barely survivin’ myself.
I picked the phone back up and stared at the three messages. My finger moved over the first one before I deleted it. Then I deleted the second. When I got to the third, I stopped. Her last words was still in my head.
I love you…
My chest hurt so fuckin’ bad that I wanted to call her and tell her I loved her too.
I wanted to ask what the fuck she was doin’ marryin’ somebody else if she was sittin’ somewhere cryin’ over me.
I wanted to tell her to take that ring off, pack her shit and come home.
Hell, she ain’t even have to pack shit. I could replace every damn thing she owned by tomorrow.
That was exactly why I couldn’t call…
Me and Sha’Nelle had spent too much time lettin’ love be an excuse to keep hurtin’ each other.
Every time one of us tried to walk away, the other one reached back.
Then we would end up right where we started ‘cause neither one of us knew how to leave the other alone long enough to figure out what the fuck we was really doin’.
She had made a choice…
Maybe it was the wrong one. Maybe one day she would realize that shit and regret it. I ain’t know, but I couldn’t keep buildin’ my life around what Sha’Nelle might do one day.
I pressed delete on the last voicemail. The screen changed, and just like that, her voice was gone.
I stared at the empty section where those messages had been before anger rushed through me so fast that I ain’t even think. I grabbed my phone and threw that bitch across the room. It hit the wall hard enough to crack before droppin’ to the floor.
“Fuck this shit!” I yelled.
I sat here with my chest movin’ hard while I stared at the phone on the floor. A crack ran across the screen, but I ain’t give a fuck. I could buy another phone. I could buy a hundred of them bitches if I wanted to. What I couldn’t buy was a way to stop lovin’ Sha’Nelle.
I laid back against the pillows and covered my eyes with my forearm. My body was exhausted, but my mind kept draggin’ me through every word she left behind.
She missed me… She loved me…. And she was still engaged to another nigga.
That was enough to make any man lose his fuckin’ mind, and I already knew mine wasn’t built to play around with Sha’Nelle much longer.
As bad as I wanted her, I couldn’t fuck with that woman right now.
I couldn’t answer her calls, listen to her cry and keep lettin’ myself believe love was enough to fix every fucked up thing between us.
If she chose that nigga, I had to let her live with that choice without standin’ in the middle of it.
I closed my eyes and pulled the cover over myself even though I still ain’t believe sleep was comin’ no time soon. My face felt tight from dried tears, and my eyes burned every time I closed ‘em. I ain’t wipe the last of that shit away ‘cause nobody was in this room but me.
For once, I wasn’t gon’ chase Sha’Nelle…
I wasn’t gon’ pop up in Greystone, scare that nigga again, drag her back to Trill-Land or force her to admit somethin’ she needed to figure out for herself.
I wasn’t gon’ call her from another number after blockin’ her, and I wasn’t gon’ keep those voicemails around so I could torture myself whenever I missed her.
I loved that woman enough to know exactly how dangerous she was to me now.
If I heard her voice again, I might fold. If I saw her cry, I might go get her. If she looked me in my face and told me she loved me, I ain’t know if there was enough sense in my body to remember that another nigga had put a ring on her finger and she had accepted it.
That was why I had to leave her alone.