4. Sha’nelle Harper #2
I pulled the phone from my ear for a second and covered my mouth ‘cause I felt like I was gon’ be sick.
Tears rolled down my cheeks, and my nose started runnin’ again, but I ain’t even reach for the tissue right away.
I just sat here with my hand on my chest and the phone in my lap ‘cause all I could see was Renza watchin’ that video.
I could see his face. I knew how he got when somethin’ hit him deeper than he wanted to admit. I knew how quiet he could get. I knew how dangerous that quiet could be, and I knew I had put him there.
When I put the phone back to my ear, Toni was still there, quiet and waitin’ on me.
“He probably hate me,” I said.
“He hurt,” Toni told me.
I squeezed my eyes shut, but tears still pushed out.
“I look stupid as fuck,” I said, and my voice broke so bad I had to stop for a second. “I look like I been playin’ with him.”
“You made a mess, but you ain’t been playin’,” Toni said. “It’s a difference.”
“It don’t feel like one.”
She let out another sigh, and I could hear her movin’ around, probably tryna get away from My’Love for a second. “It’s more to it too.”
My stomach dropped lower. “What else?”
“Renza was lookin’ for houses.”
“He was what?” I asked, even though I heard her.
“He was lookin’ for houses,” Toni said. “Kay’Lo said he was with him when he found out. Renza had been lookin’ at houses ‘cause he was tryna have somewhere for y’all. He was gon’ propose to you too.”
Everything inside me went quiet, and that scared me more than the cryin’ did. I just sat here with my hand pressed so hard against my chest that my nails was diggin’ through my shirt. My mouth opened, but nothin’ came out.
The room looked the same, but it ain’t feel the same no more. The dresser, the ring, my clothes on the floor, the sunlight on the carpet, all of it looked like it belonged to somebody else.
I had been tellin’ myself Renza loved me in his way, and I knew that.
I knew he wanted me. I knew he had wanted me in Trill-Land, in his life, but I ain’t know he had been doin’ the work for it right then.
I ain’t know he was lookin’ at houses while I was standin’ in Greystone lettin’ another man put a ring on my finger.
Toni kept talkin’, but her voice sounded far for a second.
“I don’t even understand him with that part, though.
Y’all wasn’t talkin’ like that, and he was out here lookin’ for houses and plannin’ proposals.
That don’t make no damn sense to me, Sha’Nelle.
I love Renza but that nigga be movin’ off feelin’s and pride at the same damn time.
How he gon’ plan a whole life and not tell you? ”
I swallowed, and it hurt. “I wish he would’ve told me.”
“I know, but you know Renza.”
“No,” I said, and more tears came ‘cause I couldn’t hold ‘em back no more. “I knew he wanted me with him, and I knew he was serious in his own fucked up way, but I ain’t know he was currently doin’ it. I ain’t know he was lookin’ for houses, and had a ring.”
That last part made me cry harder. I bent forward with the phone pressed to my ear and my other hand over my face. Snot slid down my nose, and I wiped it with the tissue, but it was no point ‘cause everything kept comin’. I felt ugly, weak, selfish, scared and stupid all at the same damn time.
I wanted to go back and snatch my own hand away before Couture ever slid that ring on it. I wanted to go back and call Renza before everything got too big. I wanted to go back to one of them days when he was still answerin’ and tell him I was scared, not done.
“Cousin,” Toni said, and her voice softened. “Breathe for a second.”
“I can’t,” I cried. “He won’t answer me.“
Toni stayed quiet, and for once, she ain’t try to save me from myself.
“I don’t think I can live without him,” I said, cryin’ so hard my words kept breakin’ apart.
“And I know that shit sound crazy ‘cause I been livin’. I been breathin’.
I been wakin’ up every day, but it don’t feel like life when I gotta keep talkin’ myself into not needin’ him.
It feel like I’m just gettin’ through days. ”
“Sha’Nelle,” Toni said soft.
“I gotta call him,” I said, already pullin’ the phone from my ear.
“Wait. Don’t do it while you like this.”
“I gotta call him.”
“Cousin, listen to me.”
“I can’t sit on this phone right now, Toni. I love you, but I can’t. I gotta try again.”
She was quiet for a second, then she said, “Okay.“
After we got off the phone, I sat here for a few seconds with it in my hand, and then I called Renza again. My hands was shakin’ so bad I almost pressed the wrong shit. It rang, and I prayed. I prayed he would cuss or would say anything that let me know I ain’t already lost him for good.
I pulled the phone close to my mouth and cried before I could even start talkin’ on his voicemail.
“Renza, please pick up the phone. Please. I don’t even know how many times I done called you, but I can’t stop callin’ ‘cause I need you to hear me. I love you. I love you so much it hurt, and I’m sorry.
I’m sorry for how everything look. I’m sorry for hurtin’ you.
I’m sorry for makin’ you feel like I could just move on and be okay without you ‘cause I can’t.
I been tryna breathe through this shit, and I can’t.
I need you, Renza. I need you to answer me, even if you mad.
Even if you cuss me out. Even if you don’t wanna hear nothin’ I gotta say after this.
Just pick up the phone and let me hear you. Please.”
I wiped my nose with the back of my hand ‘cause I couldn’t even find the tissue no more. “I been layin’ here all night and mornin’ tryna tell myself that maybe I made my choice and I gotta live with it, but my heart won’t let me settle in that.”
I stopped ‘cause I was cryin’ too hard, and for a second all he would’ve heard was me tryna pull myself together. I hated that shit. I hated knowin’ he might listen and hear me this broken, but I needed him to know and hear every ugly part of it ‘cause I ain’t have nothin’ pretty left to give him.
“I’ll marry you,” I cried into the phone, wipin’ my face even though more tears kept comin’. “I will marry you, Renza. I wanna marry you. I love you. I love you so much, and I’m sorry. Please pick up the phone. Please just talk to me.”
The voicemail cut off again, and I stared at the screen with my lips pressed together while tears kept slidin’ down my face. I called again. Then again. Then I sent a text from a different number even though I knew it probably wasn’t goin’ through.
Then I called until my phone got hot in my hand.
I called until my throat hurt from leavin’ messages.
I called until the sun shifted across the room and the house got louder outside my door ‘cause my mama was movin’ around and people had lives to live.
I stayed in bed with my knees pulled up, my hair all over my shoulders, and my face so swollen I ain’t even wanna look at my damn self.
Minutes kept stretchin’ into more minutes, and then them minutes turned into hours. Renza ain’t call back. He ain’t text, and he ain’t answer from no number I tried.
By the time the room started feelin’ too quiet again, somethin’ in me got tired in a way cryin’ couldn’t fix. I had begged, told the truth and put myself all the way out there, and he still ain’t reach for me.
Maybe that was my answer. Maybe I had waited too long to realize what I wanted, and maybe Renza had finally got tired of bein’ the nigga I ran from and ran back to when my heart got too heavy. Maybe he decided that if I could say yes to somebody else, then I could stay there too.
I looked at Couture’s ring on the dresser and cried again, but this time the cry felt different.
It was quieter, and somehow that made it worse ‘cause it felt like my body was startin’ to understand somethin’ my heart ain’t wanna accept.
I had made a choice in front of everybody, and now the choice I should’ve made might not even be waitin’ on me no more.
I reached for the ring and held it in my palm.
It was pretty, but it felt heavy as hell.
I stared at it until my eyes blurred again, and then I closed my fingers around it ‘cause I ain’t know what else to do.
I wasn’t ready to put it back on, but I wasn’t bold enough to throw it away either.
I was stuck between the life I had agreed to and the life I had just found out Renza had been buildin’ without tellin’ me.
For the first time since all this started, I let myself think the one thing I had been too scared to say.
Maybe I had lost him…
Maybe this time, I had really lost him…