4. Sha’nelle Harper
Greystone City
The next morning…
A bitch had been in bed all mornin’ stressin’ and I ain’t even have no weed to calm my nerves.
My eyes was swollen, my nose was stopped up, my bonnet was somewhere on the floor and my pillow had dried tears on one side and fresh ones on the other. I ain’t even know what time it was for real. The sun had been pushin’ through them curtains for hours, but I hadn’t moved enough to give a fuck.
I had been layin’ in this same spot with my phone in my hand, callin’ Renza over and over from different text apps even though he wasn’t answerin’.
Every time his voicemail came on, my stomach dropped all over again, and I would hang up before I started cryin’ into the phone.
Then I would lay here for a few seconds, wipe my face and call him right back ‘cause I ain’t know how to stop reachin’ for him.
I was supposed to be with Couture, and I knew that. I knew what my life was supposed to look like on paper. I had a ring, I had said yes and I had a man somewhere probably thinkin’ I was just overwhelmed and needed a lil’ space ‘cause the proposal had been a lot.
Everybody had clapped, smiled and looked at me like I had just stepped into the future I was supposed to want.
I had smiled too ‘cause the fuck what else was I supposed to do with all them people lookin’ at me?
I let him slide the ring on my finger, but from the second it touched me, it felt like my body knew I was lyin’ before my mouth could admit it.
That was the part that had me so fucked up ‘cause it wasn’t like I woke up sayin’ I wanted to hurt somebody. I ain’t wake up tryna play in nobody face, and I ain’t say yes ‘cause I was bored or ‘cause I ain’t care about what I was doin’.
I said yes ‘cause I had been tryna be the kind of woman who picked peace over pain for once. I said yes ‘cause I was tired of cryin’ over a nigga who could make me feel like I was the only woman on earth one minute and then make me feel like I had to chase my own heart back from him the next. I said yes ‘cause Couture was there, and everybody made it feel like that should’ve been enough. But enough wasn’t the same as right.
I hated that I even had to think this ‘cause it made me feel lowdown. It made me feel like one of them bitches I used to talk about; the bitches who had a nigga and still had her heart somewhere else. I ain’t wanna be that.
I ain’t want to be layin’ in my mama house cryin’ over Renza while a ring sat close enough for me to see if I turned my head.
I took it off last night and put it on the dresser ‘cause I couldn’t keep callin’ Renza with that ring on my finger. It felt wrong.
I rolled over and wiped my face with the back of my hand, but that ain’t do shit ‘cause more tears came right behind it.
My nose was runnin’ so bad I had to grab one of them lil’ tissues off the nightstand, and even that pissed me off ‘cause I hated feelin’ like this.
I hated how ugly cryin’ made me feel. I hated how my chest kept hurtin’ every time Renza’s voicemail picked up instead of his voice.
I hated how bad I wanted to hear him say my name, even if he was cussin’ me out.
At this point, I ain’t even care if he was mad.
I just wanted him on the other end of the phone.
I wanted to know he was still there somewhere, even if he ain’t want me close.
I called him again and pressed the phone to my ear while my heart acted stupid in my chest. It rang long enough for hope to slide in, and then that voicemail came on again. I closed my eyes and squeezed the phone so tight my fingers started hurtin’.
“Renza,” I said, and my voice sounded so weak I almost hung up on myself.
I swallowed and tried again ‘cause I ain’t want him hearin’ me fall apart without sayin’ nothin’ that made sense.
“I know you mad at me. I know you probably don’t wanna hear my voice right now, but I need you to answer the phone.
Please. I don’t know what else to do, and I know that sound crazy after what I told you, but I need you to talk to me.
I need you to just hear me for a minute. ”
The beep cut me off, and I sat here starin’ at the wall with tears slidin’ down my face.
I wanted to throw the phone, but I ain’t have the energy to break nothin’.
I just laid here with it pressed to my chest, askin’ myself how I had let everything get this far.
I kept tellin’ myself that maybe I needed to calm down.
Maybe this was guilt. Maybe this was me panickin’ ‘cause Renza had finally stopped answerin’ and I ain’t know how to handle not havin’ access to him no more.
Maybe I had made my choice, and now I had to stand in it like a grown woman.
But every time I tried to tell myself that, another part of me got louder.
That part ain’t give a fuck about what made sense to everybody else.
That part remembered Renza’s hands on me and how my whole body knew him.
It remembered how he could look at me and make me feel naked even when I had clothes on.
It remembered his mouth, his voice, his temper, his laugh when he was tryna act like he wasn’t amused and the way he could make my whole attitude break down without beggin’ me to soften.
It wasn’t just sex, even though my body missed him in a way that embarrassed me. It was how he knew where to touch my mind too, and how he could make me mad as hell and still make me feel seen in places I ain’t even know I had been hidin’.
I hated him for that….
I hated him ‘cause once a nigga had loved on you in a way that made your body and mind answer at the same time, everybody else started feelin’ like a choice you had to keep explainin’ to yourself.
I ain’t want that to be true, but here I was in bed, cryin’ with another man’s ring on my dresser, tryna call the one nigga who had me blocked.
I kept lookin’ at my phone, and every time the screen stayed dark, it felt like Renza was answerin’ me without sayin’ a word.
When my phone finally rang, I jumped so fast I almost dropped it.
My whole body sat up before my eyes even focused on the name, and for one lil’ second I really thought it was him.
That lil’ hope came through me so quick it made me feel dizzy, but when I saw Toni name on the screen, I covered my mouth and let out a sound I ain’t even mean to make.
I needed my cousin too, though. I needed somebody who knew me without me havin’ to clean up the shit I was feelin’ first.
I answered and wiped under my nose with the tissue. “Hello?”
“‘Nelle?” Toni asked, and just hearin’ her voice made my eyes fill right back up. “How you feelin’, cousin?”
I sat up against the headboard and pushed my hair off my shoulders ‘cause I felt like it was chokin’ me. I looked around the room like the answer was somewhere on the floor with my bonnet and the clothes I ain’t put away. “I don’t even know right now, Toni.”
She was quiet for a second, and I could hear My’Love makin’ noise somewhere in the background. That sound made my chest hurt for a whole different reason ‘cause life was still goin’ on for everybody else while mine felt like it was sittin’ in the middle of the street with cars passin’ around it.
“You been talkin’ to him?” she asked.
I laughed a lil’, but it came out broke. “Talkin’ to who? The voicemail? ’Cause that’s the only muthafucka answerin’ me right now.”
“Damn,” she said soft.
“He blocked me, Toni. I been callin’ since yesterday.
I left messages. I told him about the engagement myself, but he ain’t pick up then either.
I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if he heard it, if he deleted it, if he don’t care or if he just sittin’ there lettin’ me suffer ‘cause he know I deserve it.”
“You don’t deserve to suffer,” she said.
I looked at the ring on the dresser, then looked away before it made me start cryin’ harder.
“I said yes, Toni. I said yes, and now I can’t even breathe right.
Everybody keep lookin’ at it like it’s supposed to be beautiful, and I keep lookin’ at it like I done put myself in some shit I don’t know how to get out of without hurtin’ somebody. ”
Toni got quiet again, and this time it felt different. It felt like she had somethin’ sittin’ on her tongue and ain’t know if she should drop it on me while I was already down.
“What?” I asked, snifflin’ hard. “Bitch, what?”
She sighed. “I need to tell you somethin’, but I don’t want you spiralin’ worse than you already is.”
I closed my eyes ‘cause that sentence alone made my stomach turn. “Bitch, just say it.”
“Kay’Lo told Renza you was engaged.”
For a second, I ain’t say nothin’. I just sat here with the phone against my ear while them words moved through me slow.
I had told Renza myself. I knew I had. I left a voicemail and forced the truth out ‘cause I ain’t want him findin’ out from nobody else.
But hearin’ that Kay’Lo had already put it in front of him made me feel like I had been late to my own confession.
It made me feel like Renza had watched me say yes before he ever had to hear me explain why I did.
“What you mean Kay’Lo told him?” I asked, and my voice was so low it barely sounded like mine.
“His nosey ass went on your page,” Toni said, soundin’ irritated all over again. “He saw the video of Couture proposin’ to you, and he showed it to Renza.”
My hand slid over my chest before I even noticed I was doin’ it. I pressed my palm there ‘cause the hurt came so fast I ain’t know what else to do with it.
Renza had seen it. He seen me standin’ there with all them people around. He had seen me put my hand out, and seen that ring go on my finger. He heard me say yes,
“Oh my God,” I whispered.
“I’m sorry, cousin.”
I shook my head even though she couldn’t see me. “He saw it?”
“Yeah,” she replied low.