8. Sha’nelle Harper #4
The whole airport felt too loud right then, with shoes tappin’, trays slidin’, people talkin’, workers givin’ directions and the machine beepin’ every few seconds.
It made me feel like everybody had somewhere to be, but I was the only one goin’ toward a life that might break open as soon as I got there.
I stepped into the scanner when they told me to, lifted my arms and waited for it to pass over me.
When they waved me through, I grabbed my stuff from the belt and moved to the side so I could put myself back together.
I slipped my shoes on, put my license and card back in my purse, checked for my phone and walked with my carry-on toward my gate.
The walk gave me too much time to think.
I passed coffee spots, lil’ stores, people sittin’ with headphones on and families tryna keep all the bags together.
The smell of food was comin’ from somewhere close, but my stomach was too tied up to want any of it. I stopped at a small shop anyway and bought a bottle of water ‘cause my mouth felt dry.
When I got to my gate, I found a seat near the window and sat down with my carry-on close to my leg.
The plane wasn’t here yet, so I just looked out at the runway and held my water bottle in both hands. My phone sat in my lap with Toni’s message still on the screen. I thought about textin’ her again, but I ain’t know what else to say.
I thought about textin’ Renza, too, and that made my chest get tight. I could’ve told him I was on my way. I could’ve sent somethin’ simple like I’m comin’ to Trill-Land, and gave him a chance to tell me not to come before I got on that plane. But I ain’t do it.
I had called enough. I had texted enough.
I had already put too many words into a phone that kept givin’ me nothin’ back.
This time, I was just goin’. If he ain’t wanna see me, he could tell me when I got there.
If he was still done, he could say it to my face.
I hated how scared that made me, but I hated the not knowin’ more.
People started fillin’ the seats around me as the gate got busier.
A lady sat across from me with a neck pillow already around her throat, and two men in suits stood near the window talkin’ low like they was headed to handle business soon as the plane landed.
I kept my eyes on the board, watchin’ the flight status while the minutes moved too slow.
My phone buzzed in my lap, and my heart jumped before I even looked down. It was Toni.
Toni: You good?
I stared at the question and let out a soft breath.
Me: I’m nervous.
Her reply came quick.
Toni: I know. Just get here first. We’ll figure the rest out after.
I ain’t respond, and just left it at that.
A lil’ while later, the agent came over the speaker and started callin’ for pre-boardin’.
My stomach dropped low, and I sat up straighter while people started gatherin’ near the ropes.
I checked my boardin’ pass again and put my purse strap over my shoulder.
When they called my group, I stood with my bag.
Every step toward that scanner made my heart beat harder.
The gate agent smiled when I held out my phone, and the machine beeped after she scanned my pass.
The ramp felt narrow with everybody movin’ together, and the sound of carry-on wheels rollin’ over the floor seemed louder than it should’ve been. I kept my eyes ahead, tryna breathe normal, tryna remind myself that I had already made this choice.
When I stepped on the plane, one of the flight attendants greeted me, and I gave her a small smile before turnin’ down the aisle.
I found my seat, lifted my carry-on into the overhead bin and slid into the window seat before anybody had to wait behind me too long.
After I sat down, I tucked my purse under the seat in front of me and looked out the window.
The sky was pale now, with the mornin’ finally openin’ up over the airport.
People kept boardin’, talkin’ low while they found they seats, lifted bags and moved around each other in this tight ass aisle. I pulled my seat belt across my lap and clicked it into place, then rested my hands.
The flight attendant’s voice eventually came over the speaker, and I blinked out the window while she went through the announcements.
The plane door closed, and somethin’ about that sound made everything feel real.
There wasn’t no walkin’ back out now. There wasn’t no sittin’ in the airport and changin’ my mind.
I pulled my phone out one last time and texted Toni.
Me: I’m on the plane.
She replied before I had to put my phone away.
Toni: Okay. I’ll see you when you land.
I held the phone for a second after I read it, then put it on airplane mode and slid it into my purse.
The plane started pushin’ back from the gate, and my stomach turned with it. I leaned my head against the seat and looked out the window as the airport moved slow beside us.
My hands stayed folded in my lap, and I kept tellin’ myself that I was already on my way.
I was on my way to fight for Renza, and all I could do was pray he would take me back.