9. Sha’nelle Harper
I had just got off the plane, and my nerves was so fuckin’ bad, I could barely move my feet.
I stood near the exit with my small ass bag hangin’ from my shoulder, watchin’ people move around me like they knew exactly where they was goin’.
Everybody had luggage, families waitin’, drivers holdin’ signs and phones pressed to they ears while I stood here with two outfits, one pair of shoes, my license and my debit card like I had lost every bit of sense God gave me.
I ain’t even pack like a woman who had made a real plan.
I packed like somebody whose heart had got up and left before her mind could catch up with it, and by the time I realized what I was doin’, I was already on a plane headed back to Trill-Land.
For weeks, I had been callin’ Renza from different numbers like some crazy bitch.
This shit felt different ‘cause Renza had always been the one who came back. Even when I had pushed him too far, even when I had cursed him out, even when I had made shit harder than it needed to be, some part of me always believed he was gon’ show back up with that deep voice, that pretty ass chocolate face and that same attitude like he ain’t care what I had done ‘cause he still wanted me.
I knew that wasn’t fair, and I knew I had got too used to him lovin’ me through every part of me that was hard to love. Now he wasn’t comin’. He wasn’t callin’. He wasn’t watchin’ my stories, and he wasn’t sendin’ no message through nobody to let me know he was still somewhere reachin’ for me.
So I came to him…
The whole flight, I kept askin’ myself what the fuck I was doin’. Couture was out of town for work, and I had used that space to get on a plane like I ain’t have a ring sittin’ on my finger from a nigga who loved me.
I had been workin’, and gettin’ my own money back right ‘cause the thought of dependin’ on Couture while my heart was somewhere else made me feel worse than I already did.
I ain’t want his money. I ain’t wanna sit in his apartment with his ring on my finger while some part of me kept starvin’ for a nigga I had blocked and then tried to unblock when it was too late.
When the plane landed, I told myself I could still turn around.
I could walk to another counter, buy another ticket back to Greystone and act like this was a moment of weakness that nobody had to know about.
Then I thought about Renza never answerin’ me again, and my feet started movin’ before I could let fear talk me out of it.
If I had to sleep in somebody backyard on this fuckin’ island just to be close enough for him to know I was here, then that was what the fuck I was gon’ do.
I ain’t care about no clothes, no plan or no pride.
I cared about gettin’ to the man my heart had been cryin’ for while my mouth kept pretendin’ I could live without him.
Outside the airport, the Trill-Land air hit me before I saw Toni, and I swear my chest did somethin’ strange.
It was warm, salty and sweet in a way Greystone never felt.
The sky looked bigger out here, the palm trees moved like they belonged to the wind and even the cars pullin’ through the pickup area looked cleaner than anything back home.
I ain’t realize how much I missed it here until I was standin’ in the middle of it again.
It made me think about all the times Renza had me in his passenger seat, talkin’ shit about how Greystone ain’t have nothin’ on his island while I rolled my eyes and pretended I ain’t agree.
Then I saw Toni standin’ near a black Cadillac truck with My’Love on her hip.
My cousin had on big shades, but I could still see worry sittin’ all over her.
She lifted one hand when she spotted me, and My’Love looked in my direction like she was tryna figure out if she knew me or not.
The second I got close enough, Toni pulled me into a hug with her free arm, and I held on longer than I meant to ‘cause I ain’t know how bad I needed somebody familiar until I felt her.
“Bitch, you really here,” Toni said against my ear, and I could hear all the fear, love and frustration mixed up in her voice.
“I’m here,” I whispered.
She pulled back and looked at my face like she wanted to fuss at me and cry with me at the same time.
Before she could do either one, I reached for My’Love.
My baby cousin looked at me for a second, then leaned forward with both arms out, and that lil’ move almost broke me.
I took her from Toni and held her against my chest while kissin’ all over her cheeks.
“Hey, pretty girl,” I said while rubbin’ her back. “I knew you was gon’ eventually recognize me.”
My’Love grabbed one of my hoop earrings, and Toni smacked her hand away before she could pull it off.” Girl, you gon’ snatch yo’ cousin ear off.”
I laughed for the first time in what felt like days, and My’Love smiled like she knew she had done somethin’.
I kissed her forehead and held her a lil’ tighter while lookin’ around.
Trill-Land looked too beautiful for the mess I had brought with me, but maybe that was why I needed to be here. Greystone had become too heavy.
Toni opened the back door, and I buckled My’Love in her car seat while she fought me with them lil’ soft hands.
Once she was secured, I got into the passenger seat and sat my bag at my feet.
Toni climbed behind the wheel, looked at me for a second and pulled away from the curb without sayin’ nothin’ at first.
That silence told me she was thinkin’ just as hard as I was.
“You ain’t tell ‘Lo?” I asked while lookin’ out the window.
“No,” Toni answered.
“And Renza don’t know?”
“Girl, no. If Renza knew you was comin’, you really think he would’ve let you land peaceful?”
I pressed my lips together and looked down at my hands. I stared at my empty ring finger, and shook my head. “I don’t know what he would do no more.”
Toni glanced at me, then looked back at the road. “That’s the part that got me nervous.”
I ain’t answer ‘cause that part had me nervous too. The old Renza would’ve showed up at the airport before my plane landed, mad as hell but still there.
This Renza might not come at all, and that thought had me sittin’ in Toni’s passenger seat with my stomach twistin’ like I had swallowed somethin’ bad.
When we pulled up to the mansion, all the memories hit me at once.
The gates opened, the driveway curved, and the whole estate looked just like it did when I used to live here.
I remembered walkin’ through that front door with bags I ain’t know how long I would be unpackin’.
I remembered sittin’ in the kitchen with Toni late at night, talkin’ about everybody else’s business like our lives was simple.
I remembered Renza comin’ over and actin’ like he wasn’t lookin’ for me when I knew he was.
I stepped inside with my bag and stopped for a second ‘cause it felt too much like comin’ back to a version of myself I had left behind.
Toni told me to go put my bag in my old room. I walked down the hallway with my heart beatin’ too fast, and when I pushed the door open, I had to stand here for a second before I went in. Everything was where I left it.
The bed still had the same pillows. The drawer near the window still had a bottle of lotion on it that I knew belonged to me.
A few of my old things was still in the closet like Toni had refused to fully clean me out.
The room ain’t feel like a guest room. It felt like it had been waitin’ on me to come back and sit down.
I dropped my bag near the bed and rubbed both hands over my face ‘cause bein’ here made everything feel real. I wasn’t callin’ from Greystone no more. I wasn’t leavin’ voicemails or textin’ numbers Renza had blocked. I was on his island now, close enough to touch the life I had been runnin’ from.
When I made it back to the kitchen, Toni was passin’ My’Love to one of the nannies.
My’Love reached back for her mama, then got distracted by whatever toy the nanny held up, and Toni turned toward me with that look again.
She went to the cabinet, pulled down two glasses and grabbed a bottle from the bar.
“You need this,” she said while pourin’ me a drink.
“I need a lot more than that,” I muttered as I sat at the island.
Toni slid the glass toward me. “Drink it slow. You already look like you might pass out.”
I took a sip and let the burn move through my chest. It helped a lil’, but not enough. My eyes kept goin’ to my phone where it sat faceup on the island, and all I could think about was Renza’s voice sayin’ he ain’t wanna talk to me. I ain’t even heard it yet, but my body was already bracin’ for it.
Toni took a sip from her own glass, then picked up her phone. “I gotta call ‘Lo.”
My stomach dropped. “Right now?”
“Yes, right now,” she said. “He been with Renza all mornin’ and I ain’t gon’ sit here pretendin’ this can wait when you came all the way out here.”
I nodded, but my hands started sweatin’. Toni tapped Kay’Lo’s name and put the phone on speaker. It rang twice before he answered.
“Wussup, baby?” Kay’Lo answered, and hearin’ his voice made me feel worse ‘cause Kay’Lo had always been like a brother to me before all this shit got messy.
“You still with Renza?” Toni asked while lookin’ at me.
“Yeah,” he answered, and I could hear some noise in the background like they was ridin’ somewhere. “Wussup?”
Toni looked at me again, and I shook my head like I wanted her to hurry before I lost the lil’ bit of nerve I had left.
“‘Nelle at the house,” she said. “She wanna talk to Renza.”
For a second, the phone got so quiet I thought the call had dropped. Then Kay’Lo’s voice came back lower than before.
“Why the fuck is Sha’Nelle at my house?”
My face warmed, but I kept my mouth shut ‘cause I promised myself I wasn’t comin’ here to fight with Kay’Lo. I needed Renza, and I couldn’t afford to let my pride ruin this before I even got near him.
“She came to talk to him,” Toni answered. “That’s why I’m callin’.”