10. Renza Mensah
Trill-Land
A couple hours passed since me and ‘Lo parted and I was still drivin’ around like I ain’t have nowhere to be, even though I had a whole mansion I could’ve went home to. That was the fucked up part, ‘cause a nigga wasn’t homeless.
I wasn’t locked out or duckin’ no real smoke. I was ridin’ through my own island with weed burnin’ between my fingers and music playin’ low ‘cause the woman I had been tryna make a home out of had finally showed up where I was, and I ain’t know if I trusted myself enough to go see her.
Kay’Lo had been with me damn near all day, and I knew he ain’t have to be. That nigga had a wife, a baby and his own shit goin’ on, but he still stayed close after he watched me lose it a few weeks ago.
I ain’t like that the nigga had to see me that way. I ain’t like that anybody had to see me with my head down and my chest feelin’ like somebody had reached in that bitch and twisted somethin’ outta place.
Out of everybody, though, if somebody had to sit here with me while I got my shit together, I was glad it was ‘Lo. He ain’t try to make me feel better with no soft ass speech. He just sat, smoked with me and let me be fucked up without lookin’ at me like I was less of a man for it.
That was why I knew he was already on Toni ass before he even made it home. Kay’Lo loved his wife bad, but he wasn’t the nigga to play with when he felt like you was movin’ behind his back.
Toni and Sha’Nelle had the bond, and I understood that.
Blood, love, loyalty and all that. But ‘Lo wasn’t wrong for feelin’ a way, ‘cause the same woman Toni was protectin’ was the same woman who had my head all the way gone.
She was the same woman I had been tryna plan a life around and was apparently in Trill-Land now, sittin’ in his house, askin’ to talk to me like I was supposed to jump just ‘cause she finally got tired of me not pickin’ up the phone.
That shit almost made me laugh, but there wasn’t nothin’ funny in me.
I used to pop up on ‘Nelle in her city like I owned the air she was breathin’.
I would get on a plane or the jet, pull up wherever she was and make it real hard for her to pretend she ain’t want me there.
Now she was on my island doin’ the same shit back to me, and I ain’t know if that made me proud, mad or more hurt than I already was.
Hell, maybe it was all three. A part of me wanted to see her real fuckin’ bad, and that was the sick part about the shit.
My phone kept lightin’ up with numbers I ain’t know, and even though I already knew most of ‘em was her, my hand still twitched every time one came through. My heart wanted to answer, but my mind knew better.
I ain’t answer ‘cause I knew how Sha’Nelle got in my ear. She ain’t even have to say much. That woman could breathe a certain way over the phone and have me forgettin’ every reason I had to stay mad. I knew that about myself, and I hated the shit.
I hated that I could be this pissed off at her and still want her voice in my ear.
I hated that I could feel played with and still wonder what she was doin’.
I couldn’t stand that Kay’Lo could tell me she was at his crib and my first thought wasn’t even about how crazy she was for comin’.
It was about how she sounded when she asked for me, if she had been cryin’, and why the fuck my heart still cared after she had already made a nigga feel stupid for lovin’ her.
That was why I had to keep drivin’…
As far as I was concerned, Sha’Nelle had lost her fuckin’ mind if she thought I was finna keep playin’ these fuck ass games with her confused ass.
From what ‘Lo was sayin’, it ain’t even sound like she had fully cleared that other nigga out the way.
She had got engaged, showed up in Trill-Land and wanted to talk to me, but what the fuck was I supposed to do with that?
Sit in her face while she cried and explained how she ain’t mean for shit to go that far?
Was I supposed to listen to her tell me she was confused?
Let her pull on my heart while that nigga still had a claim somewhere in the middle?
Hell Nah. I had done enough chasin’, and enough showin’ up.
I had done enough lettin’ her make my heart feel like it had to fight another nigga for a place she already knew belonged to me.
My phone rang again from another number, and I looked at the screen before tossin’ it on the passenger seat. I took a pull from my blunt and let the smoke sit in my chest for a second before I blew it out the window.
Trill-Land looked quiet this time of night. The streets had that late-night shine from the streetlights, and every road I took somehow felt like it was tryna lead me back to the mansion. I kept turnin’ away from it. I wasn’t goin’ home yet, especially with her on the island already lookin’ for me.
Pressure called a lil’ after that.
I let the phone ring twice before I picked it up and put it on speaker. “Wussup?”
“You know Sha’Nelle here?” he asked.
I closed my eyes for half a second and rubbed my hand over my beard before puttin’ it back on the wheel. “At yo’ crib?”
“Yeah,” he said. “She been outside for a minute. She was on the stairs cryin’. Pluto let her in.”
I shook my head and sighed.
“You comin’ home?” he asked.
“Nah,” I said without even thinkin’ too long on it. “I ain’t comin’ there tonight.”
Pressure was quiet again, and I knew he ain’t like that.
That was his house too, but it was mine at the same time, and I could hear it in my cousin’s voice that he ain’t like the thought of me avoidin’ my own space behind a woman, and honestly, I ain’t like it either.
But me not likin’ it ain’t change the fact that I knew what would happen if I walked in there and saw her.
“I can tell her she gotta slide,” Pressure said.
“You ain’t gotta do all that, I replied.
“You sure?”
“Yeah. Pluto let her in, so it is what it is,” I said, takin’ another pull from the blunt. “I just don’t need to be there.”
“This don’t even sound like you, nigga,” Pressure said.
I shook my head and turned my right blinker on. “I know.”
And that was the truth. It didn’t sound like me.
The old me would’ve went home just to make ‘Nelle look me in my face. I would’ve walked in that bitch, watched her cry, said some shit that cut her open and probably still ended up with my hand around the back of her neck, pullin’ her into me ‘cause I couldn’t help myself. I knew how that story went.
Sha’Nelle would be standin’ there with them pretty ass dreamy eyes full of tears, tellin’ me she ain’t know what to do, and I would be tryna stay mad while my body remembered every damn thing about her; from how she smelled, how soft her skin was and how she always said my name when she was scared, mad or close to breakin’ under me.
I gripped the wheel tighter and made myself keep lookin’ at the road.
“I’mma get a room tonight,” I told him.
Pressure let out a breath. “A’ight. Hit me if you need me.”
“I’m good.”
“I know you good, nigga,” he said. “I still said hit me.”
I nodded even though he couldn’t see me. “A’ight.”
We hung up, and I kept drivin’ with the lights slidin’ past my windows. The blunt had burned low between my fingers, and I flicked the ash before takin’ one more pull.
I ain’t even want Pressure to send Sha’Nelle away ‘cause that would’ve made me feel worse in another way. It was late as fuck and the fact that she was out here cryin’ on steps and gettin’ moved from house to house ‘cause I wouldn’t answer was already fuckin’ with me.
I ain’t need to walk in behind her scent, though.
That was the part I couldn’t explain without soundin’ like a bitch.
If she left before I got there, I still ain’t wanna go home and smell whatever lotion, perfume or hair oil she had on.
I ain’t wanna walk through the hallway and know she had been sittin’ in my space lookin’ for me.
I ain’t wanna stand in my own house and feel her ghost before I got enough sense to stay away from the real thing.
It was late as hell by the time I pulled up to a hotel.
The valet came toward my car, and I sat here for a second before puttin’ it in park.
My phone lit up again in the passenger seat with another number.
I stared at it until it stopped ringin’.
A message came through right after, and I ain’t open it.
I grabbed my small bag from the back that had my weed and a few other things in it, and handed the key off without sayin’ nothin’.
Inside, the lobby was too quiet and too polished, but I ain’t pay attention to none of it.
I got a room, took the elevator up and walked down the hall with my bag hangin’ from my hand.
When I got inside, I closed the door, tossed the bag on the chair and stood here for a second lookin’ around.
A nigga ain’t even have a change of clothes ‘cause I hadn’t planned on not goin’ home.
I ain’t planned on none of this shit. That was what Sha’Nelle did, though.
She took plans and made ‘em look stupid.
I went in the bathroom, turned the shower on and got out my clothes. The water ran hot over my shoulders, and I stood under it with my hands on the tile, tryna let it wash some of the day off me. It ain’t do much, ‘cause my mind kept goin’ back to her.
After I got out the shower, I dried off and wrapped the towel around my waist. I ain’t have shit else to put on, so I walked in the room with my skin still warm from the shower and grabbed my phone off the bed.
I had more missed calls, voicemails and different numbers poppin’ up.
Sha’Nelle had left so many messages that I ain’t even have the patience to open none of that shit.
I knew what her voice would do if I listened anyway.
I knew that first crack in her tone would have me sittin’ here feelin’ like I was the one who needed to fix it, and I wasn’t doin’ that to myself tonight.