9. Sha’nelle Harper #6
Pluto finally pulled back just enough to look at me. Her eyes had that soft sadness in ‘em, and she brushed her thumb under my eye like I was somebody worth bein’ careful with. “Come inside, Sha’Nelle.”
That was all she said, but it made fresh tears slip down my face ‘cause she ain’t tell me to go.
She just helped me stand like I wasn’t heavy with all my mistakes.
Then she reached down and grabbed my bag before I could get it myself.
I started to tell her I had it, but she already had the strap in her hand, and the way she looked at me made me leave it alone.
We walked in the house, and the warmth inside wrapped around me with the low music I had heard from outside.
The lights was dim, and the whole front area looked like I had stepped into a night that wasn’t mine.
There was a smell of candles, liquor and somethin’ sweet in the air, and I could tell this was supposed to be a peaceful moment for Pluto and her man.
I felt like a fuckin’ intruder even with Pluto’s arm around my waist.
Pressure stood not too far down the hall in silk pajamas, holdin’ a cup of somethin’ brown in his hand. His shirt hung open and his face was calm as he looked at me.
Pressure ain’t look mad, but he ain’t look warm either.
He looked like a man who knew exactly why I was here, knew exactly what his cousin was goin’ through and had already decided he wasn’t gon’ make his wife turn me away.
That was the most comfort I was gon’ get from him tonight, and I understood it even though it hurt.
I wiped at my face and tried to pull myself together. “Hey, Pressure.”
He looked me over for a second, like he was takin’ in how bad I looked and decidin’ what to do with it. Then he nodded once.
“Sup.”
That was it… just ‘sup.’…
Pressure used to greet me like family ‘cause I had been around, and ‘cause Toni had made me part of the orbit whether anybody said it out loud or not. Tonight, I felt the space between us. I felt the part of him that was neutral, but only as far as his loyalty would let him be.
Pluto closed the door behind us and kept her arm around my waist as she walked past him.
Pressure’s eyes followed us, and I could feel him and Pluto speakin’ without words.
He knew not to stop her or question why she had brought me in.
Maybe he ain’t like it, or maybe he understood enough to let her be who she was.
Either way, he let us pass, and I was grateful for that even if his one-word greetin’ had made me feel how far I had fallen from the way shit used to be.
“I’m sorry for comin’ like this,” I said, lookin’ back at him for a second. “I ain’t mean to mess up y’all night.”
Pressure lifted his cup a lil’ and took a sip before answerin’. “You already here.”
That was Pressure, so I nodded ‘cause I ain’t know what else to do with that, and Pluto guided me deeper in the house.
The music got a lil’ clearer as we passed through the hall, and I could tell it had been somethin’ grown and slow playin’ before I showed up.
There was a blanket tossed over the back of a couch, two glasses on a table and a pair of Pluto’s slippers near the rug like she had been comfortable before the doorbell pulled her away.
The sight made guilt sit heavy on me. It felt like I was always showin’ up in the middle of somebody else’s peace with my heart in my hands, askin’ ‘em to help me carry it.
Pluto led me toward a sittin’ room and sat me down.
She put my bag near the side of the couch, then went to get me water without makin’ me ask.
I watched her move around like she wasn’t tired, annoyed or bothered, and that made me want to cry again ‘cause I ain’t know how people like Pluto existed in a family full of men who could turn cold enough to freeze the whole room.
When she came back, she handed me the glass and sat beside me. I held it with both hands ‘cause I needed somethin’ solid between my fingers.
My face felt swollen, and my body felt empty. Still, under all the hurt, that same hard part of me was alive. It was that part that had got on a plane, and the part that had left Kay’Lo’s house after bein’ put out and still ain’t turn around. It was the part that was cryin’ now, but not quittin’.
Pluto still hadn’t said nothin’. She just sat close enough for her shoulder to touch mine, and for a woman like me, that was almost more than advice. It meant she wasn’t leavin’ me alone in it.
Pressure walked past the open doorway a few minutes later, and I felt him look in, but he kept movin’.
I leaned back against the couch and closed my eyes for a second while Pluto sat with me in the quiet. I had made it through the gate, made it onto the steps and made it inside the house, but I still hadn’t made it to Renza.
That should’ve scared me enough to stop, but it didn’t. It only made the ache in my heart dig deeper ‘cause the man I wanted was close enough to be somewhere on this island.
No matter how foolish I looked, no matter how many tears I cried and no matter how many people had to watch me fall apart, I knew one thing for sure.
I wasn’t leavin’ Trill-Land until Renza heard me.