9. Sha’nelle Harper #5
I stood here for a few minutes, then rang it again.
The sound moved through the house, but the door stayed closed.
I looked back at the driveway, hopin’ I would see headlights comin’ in.
I wanted it to be one of Renza’s cars so bad that I kept watchin’ the curve of the driveway like I could make him appear if I stared long enough.
I pictured him pullin’ in, jumpin’ out mad and askin’ me what the fuck I was doin’ out here.
I pictured him lookin’ at my face and softenin’ ‘cause he couldn’t stand to see me cry.
I pictured him finally lettin’ me say what I had been tryna say for weeks.
But no car came for me…
I called him again. It rang until voicemail, and I sat here listenin’ to his voice say whatever short message he had recorded, and even that almost took me out ‘cause it was the closest I had been to hearin’ him all night.
“Renza,” I said once the beep came, and my voice was already breakin’.
“I’m outside the house. I know you don’t wanna talk to me, but please.
I just need you to hear me one time. I’m not askin’ you to forgive me tonight.
I’m not askin’ you to act like I ain’t hurt you.
I just need you to look at me and let me say it to yo’ face. ”
I pulled the phone away before I started cryin’ too hard and ended the call.
The door still ain’t open, so I sat down on the top step ‘cause my legs couldn’t hold me up no more.
I put my bag beside me, wrapped my arms around myself and looked out at the driveway.
The mansion behind me stayed quiet. The lights along the walkway shined like everything was peaceful, and I sat here fallin’ apart on somebody else’s steps.
Time moved slow while I sat here. I called Renza again from another number, then another one, and every time it went to nothin’.
I texted him that I was outside. I texted him that I wasn’t leavin’.
I texted him that I was sorry, even though sorry felt too small for what I had done and too late for the place we was in now.
I ain’t know if he was even seein’ the messages.
Maybe he blocked the numbers soon as they came through.
Maybe he turned his phone off. I ain’t know, and not knowin’ made it worse.
At some point, I started cryin’ so hard that I couldn’t pretend I was just waitin’.
I bent forward with my elbows on my knees and covered my face with both hands.
I thought about Greystone. I thought about Couture’s family clappin’ and screamin’ when he got on one knee.
I thought about how my mouth had said yes while my heart was somewhere else cryin’ no.
I thought about Renza findin’ out from Kay’Lo instead of me, and I hated myself for that.
I wanted to tell him first. I wanted to explain that I wasn’t tryna embarrass him, and I wasn’t tryna make him feel like what we had was nothin’.
I just kept messin’ up ‘cause every choice I made had somebody’s heart attached to it.
I ain’t know how long I sat here before the door finally opened behind me, but it had to be close to an hour.
The sound made me lift my head fast, and for one crazy second, I thought it was gon’ be Renza.
My whole body reacted before my eyes even got there.
Then I looked up and saw Pluto standin’ in the doorway.
She had on a long soft blue silk gown that flowed around her body, and her hair fell down her back like she had just walked outta some peaceful place I had no business interruptin’.
The light from inside the house sat behind her, and even though I knew Pluto was real, sometimes she looked like she belonged in a softer world than the rest of us.
She looked down at me with her face calm, but her eyes told me she already knew enough. I ain’t have to explain why I was here. I ain’t have to say Renza’s name. Whatever Pressure knew, Pluto knew too, and that made my stomach drop ‘cause I ain’t know if she was about to tell me to leave.
I wiped at my face quick, but there wasn’t no point. Tears was still runnin’ down my cheeks, and my voice sounded small when I spoke.
“I’m sorry,” I said. “I know it’s late. I know I should’ve called.”
Pluto ain’t say nothin’ at first. That silence scared me ‘cause I ain’t know how to read it.
Kay’Lo had already turned cold on me, and even though Pressure wasn’t Kay’Lo, he was still a Mensah.
He was still Renza’s blood, and I knew how these people moved behind each other.
They could love you like family one day, then put you outside the circle the next if they felt like you had crossed somebody they belonged to.
I sat here lookin’ up at Pluto, waitin’ for her to say I couldn’t be here, and I tried to prepare myself for that hurt before it came. Instead, she stepped out and sat down beside me on the step.
She ain’t ask me why I was there, and she ain’t tell me I was wrong.
She ain’t give me no speech about Renza needin’ space or about how I had made shit hard.
She just reached for me, wrapped both arms around me and pulled me into her chest like I had every right to fall apart there.
That one move broke me open so bad I couldn’t hold no sound back.
I cried harder than I had cried all night, and Pluto held me through it like she wasn’t worried about her gown, the late hour or the mess I had brought to her door.
“I don’t know what to do,” I cried into her. “I don’t know what to do, Pluto.”
Her hand moved to the back of my head, and she rubbed slow enough to make me feel like I could breathe if I let myself.
She still ain’t say nothin’, and somehow that helped more than words would’ve.
Everybody else had been talkin’ at me, around me or not talkin’ to me at all.
Pluto just sat here and let me be hurt. She let me shake, cry and hold on to her like I was a child who had lost her way instead of a grown woman who had created half of her own storm.
The night went on around us while she held me.
Cars moved somewhere beyond the gate. The fountain near the front of the mansion kept makin’ that soft sound, and somewhere inside, music played low enough for me to know the house had been alive before I interrupted it.
That made me cry more ‘cause I could tell her and Pressure had probably been havin’ a good night.
Maybe they had been listenin’ to music, drinkin’, holdin’ each other and doin’ what married people did when they finally got done peace.
Then I showed up with my face wet, my bag small and my heart hangin’ out my chest.
After a while, my cryin’ slowed down, but Pluto still ain’t rush me.
She kept one arm around my shoulders and rubbed the back of my head with the other hand until my body stopped fightin’ so hard.
I ain’t know if thirty minutes passed or longer.
Time ain’t feel real out here on these steps.
All I knew was that she stayed with me, and that made me feel worse and better at the same time ‘cause I had been so sure everybody in this family was gon’ look at me like I ain’t belong nowhere near them no more.
“I keep callin’ him,” I whispered after a long time, my voice rough from cryin’. “He won’t answer me.”
Pluto rested her cheek lightly against the top of my head, and her arms tightened around me just a lil’ .
She still ain’t give me an answer. Maybe she ain’t have one.
Maybe nobody had one. Renza wasn’t a man you could force open, and I knew that better than anybody.
He could love so hard it felt like he was coverin’ every part of you, but once he closed a door, you ain’t know how long it was gon’ take for him to unlock it again.
“I thought if I got here, it would be different,” I said. “I thought he would feel me close and come.”