9. Sha’nelle Harper #4
I grabbed my bag from the floor and threw the strap over my shoulder.
My hands was shakin’, but I refused to sit on that bed and cry like somebody had kicked me out of my own life.
Maybe they had. Maybe that was what this was.
Maybe comin’ back to Trill-Land showed me that every place I thought would still hold me had changed while I was gone.
When I walked back in the livin’ room, Kay’Lo was standin’ near the bar with a blunt between his fingers.
He pulled a lighter from his pocket, sparked it and took a long pull while watchin’ me with a look I couldn’t read.
It wasn’t hate, and that was the fucked up part.
It was cold protection that said he might’ve loved me yesterday, but tonight I had crossed a line near somebody he would choose before me every time.
Toni rushed toward me, cryin’ harder now. “Nelle, you ain’t gotta go nowhere. Don’t let him make you leave!”
“I’m not doin’ this with him,” I said, tryna keep my voice from breakin’ too bad. “This already bad enough.”
Toni grabbed my arm. “I’m comin’ with you.”
“No,” I told her, shakin’ my head. “You stay with yo’ husband.”
“Nelle…”
“I’m serious, Toni,” I said while lookin’ at her through my tears.
“I know you love me, and I know you tryna stand on that, but My’Love upstairs sleep.
This y’all house, y’all marriage and y’all family.
I’m not finna be the reason you walk out that door mad and make this shit worse than it already is. ”
Toni looked over her shoulder at Kay’Lo, and the hurt in her face made my stomach twist. “He can’t just talk to you like that.”
“I talked crazy too,” I admitted ‘cause there wasn’t no point lyin’. “And I ain’t mad at you. I swear to God, I’m not mad. I love you for ridin’ with me, but I gotta go before this shit turn into somethin’ else.”
Kay’Lo smoked his blunt and ain’t say nothin’, but that silence said enough.
It was dawnin’ on me that this was what happened when you crossed a Mensah in a way they couldn’t forgive right away.
They could love you, feed you, protect you and make you feel like family, but when that switch flipped, they turned cold enough to make you remember you was on the outside of the bloodline.
I ordered the Uber with my hands still shakin’.
Toni stood beside me the whole time, wipin’ her face and mumblin’ that she should’ve never called Kay’Lo in the first place.
I told her to stop ‘cause none of that shit mattered now. The car was already on the way, and I had somewhere else I needed to go. I ain’t tell her that part, though.
Toni thought I was probably goin’ to a hotel or maybe back to the airport, but I had already put in Pluto and Pressure’s address. If I couldn’t get to Renza through Kay’Lo, I was gon’ find another door. I ain’t care how crazy that sounded. I ain’t come this far to turn around after one no.
When the car pulled through the gates and stopped near the front, Toni walked outside with me.
The night air touched my face, but it ain’t cool nothin’ down inside me.
My chest still hurt, and my eyes still burned from cryin’.
I turned toward Toni and pulled her in my arms before she could start cryin’ again.
She hugged me tight, and for a second, we was just two cousins holdin’ on to each other in the middle of a mess neither one of us knew how to fix.
“I love you,” I whispered against her shoulder. “And I’m not mad at you.”
“I love you too,” Toni cried. “Please call me when you get wherever you goin’.”
“I will,” I told her, even though I ain’t know if I was gon’ tell her the truth right away. “Go check on My’Love, okay? Don’t let me have y’all in here fightin’ all night.”
Toni pulled back and wiped under her eyes while she looked at me. “You sure you gon’ be fine?”
I nodded, even though fine was nowhere near what I was. “I’mma be a’ight.”
I kissed her cheek, then opened the car door and climbed in before I could lose my nerve.
Toni stood near the driveway with her arms wrapped around herself while the Uber pulled away.
I watched her through the back window until the gates closed behind us, and once the house disappeared from view, I turned forward and wiped the tears off my face.
I ain’t know what was gon’ happen when I got to Pluto and Pressure’s.
I ain’t know if they would let me in, if Renza would be there or if I was about to embarrass myself all over again.
All I knew was that my heart had already picked a side, and no matter how many doors closed in my face tonight, I was gon’ keep lookin’ for the one that led back to Renza.
When the Uber driver pulled toward Pluto and Pressure’s gate, I sat up so fast in the backseat that the seat belt pressed hard across my chest. It was late as hell, and the whole island felt too quiet for how loud my heart was beatin’.
My phone was in my hand, the screen lit up with another number I had tried to call Renza from, and just like every other time tonight, he ain’t answer.
I had texted him from that same number too, tellin’ him I was in Trill-Land and that I needed to talk to him, but my message just sat there with no reply like I was sendin’ words into a grave.
The driver slowed near the gate, and I looked up at the tall iron bars like they could decide whether I had any chance left or not. Pressure’s mansion sat far back from the road, past a driveway so long that it almost looked like its own street.
I should’ve called first, and I knew that.
Any normal woman with sense would’ve called Pluto, asked if she could come out and waited for somebody to say yes.
But I ain’t feel normal, and I damn sure ain’t feel like I had sense left.
I was workin’ off pain, fear and whatever lil’ hope kept draggin’ me through Trill-Land when every door had already been shut in my face.
A black SUV pulled up ahead of us and stopped near the scanner. A second later, the gates started openin’, and before I could think too hard about what I was doin’, I leaned forward between the seats and pointed.
“Pull through behind them before the gate close,” I told the driver.
He glanced at me in the mirror like he wanted to ask if I was sure, but he must’ve seen my face and decided not to.
The Uber eased forward behind the SUV, and my heart started beatin’ so hard that I pressed my hand against my chest like that was gon’ help.
Cars was ridin’ in and out of the gates like this was normal, like everybody else had a reason to be here and I was the only one sneakin’ on the property with tears dried across my face.
I had cried both my lashes off before I even got here, and one of ‘em was probably still stuck to the side of my cheek somewhere. My eyes burned, my nose was stuffy and my throat felt raw from all the words I had been holdin’ back ‘cause Renza wouldn’t stay on the phone long enough to hear any of ‘em.
Once we got through the gate, the mansion came into view, and my stomach twisted all over again.
I had been here before, but tonight it felt different.
Tonight I wasn’t comin’ over with Toni, laughin’, mindin’ business that wasn’t mine or actin’ like I was part of this family circle.
Tonight I was comin’ like a woman who had run out of places to go.
The driver pulled near all them cars and stopped. I looked toward the front doors, then down at my phone again. Renza still ain’t replied. I opened the messages and typed with my thumb shakin’ against the screen.
Me: I’m outside Pressure house. Please come talk to me.
I stared at it for a second before I hit send, and soon as it went through, I waited like a fool.
I waited like he was gon’ see them words and finally break.
I waited like he was gon’ call me back mad as hell, tell me I had lost my damn mind and still come get me ‘cause he couldn’t leave me outside.
Nothing’ came back, though. Not a call, a text or no lil’ dots showin’ he was typin’.
It was just my message sittin’ there with all the other ones I had sent from numbers he ain’t know.
“You need me to wait?” the driver asked.
I almost said yes ‘csuse some part of me knew this could go bad. Pluto could tell me I had to leave. Pressure could come to the door and look at me like Kay’Lo did.
Renza could be inside and refuse to come out, and I would be stuck standin’ in front of this big ass mansion lookin’ stupid.
Still, I shook my head and grabbed my bag from beside me.
“No, I’m good,” I lied.
I got out, closed the door and watched the Uber pull away. The further the taillights got from me, the more alone I felt. I stood near Pressure’s cars with my lil’ bag on my shoulder, my phone in my hand and my face feelin’ tight from all the tears I had wiped away.
The mansion lights made everything look too pretty for how broken I felt.
The red and black cars, the wide steps, the big front door and the quiet money all around me made me feel small in a way I hated.
I was Sha’Nelle Harper. I ain’t never liked feelin’ small.
I ain’t never liked feelin’ like I had to beg nobody for shit.
But tonight, I was beggin’ without even bein’ able to get the man on the phone.
I walked toward the front door with my legs feelin’ weak under me.
Every step gave me time to think about turnin’ around, but where the hell was I supposed to go?
Kay’Lo had put me out. Toni was cryin’ at her own house ‘cause of me. Couture was out of town, and even if he wasn’t, Greystone wasn’t where my heart was tryna be.
Renza was somewhere on this island, ignorin’ me on purpose, and I still wanted him so bad that I was at another person’s door late at night hopin’ somebody would help me reach him.
When I got to the front, I rang the doorbell and waited, but nobody came.