17. Sha’nelle Harper #2
I wanted Renza to be my husband. I could feel that shit in my spirit in a way I couldn’t explain to nobody else.
When I thought about forever, he was the man my mind went to.
I could see us standin’ in front of our family with everybody there celebratin’ us, and for once that picture ain’t make me wanna run.
It made me cry harder ‘cause I wanted to live long enough to see it happen.
I wanted to have that man’s bad ass kids too.
The thought slipped into my mind while I was cryin’, and I laughed a lil’ through my tears ‘cause I already knew any child Renza made would probably come out with too much attitude. I could picture him holdin’ our baby and actin’ like he wasn’t soft, then turnin’ around and spoilin’ the hell outta them.
I could see myself fussin’ about how bad they was while knowin’ damn well I’d love every second of it.
Then I started thinkin’ about the quieter parts.
I wanted to wake up next to Renza without feelin’ like I needed to keep one foot out the door.
I wanted to lay under him and let him love me without guilt sittin’ in the room with us.
I wanted to make love to that man and not have my mind runnin’ through a list of reasons why I should be scared afterward.
I wanted to give him every piece of me I kept pullin’ back whenever shit between us got too real.
That realization made my tears fall harder again, but there was somethin’ different under ‘em this time.
I was done runnin’…
I had spent too much time lettin’ fear make decisions for me. Every time Renza got too close, I found some reason to pull away. Every time he showed me how serious he was, I looked for a door. Then when he finally got tired of standin’ there waitin’ on me, I acted surprised that I lost him.
I wiped my cheeks and looked at myself in the rearview mirror. My eyes was red and my face was wet, but I ain’t care.
The next time I reached for Renza, I was comin’ to him with nothin’ tied to me.
I wasn’t wearin’ another man’s ring, and I wasn’t attached to some weddin’ plan I never wanted.
There wasn’t gon’ be a fiancé standin’ somewhere in the background while I asked Renza to believe me.
It was gon’ be me. Just me. And whatever Renza decided to do with that, I was ready to face it.
I knew he was hurt, and I knew breakin’ up with Couture ain’t erase what I had put him through.
Renza ain’t owe me forgiveness just ‘cause I finally stopped lyin’ to myself.
He had every right to be mad at me. He could cuss me out, slam a door in my face, tell me he wasn’t ready or make me work for every inch I got near him. I could take that.
What I couldn’t take no more was sittin’ somewhere pretendin’ I ain’t love him.
I pressed my hand against my chest and took a deep breath while the tears slowed down. My body still shook some, but my mind felt clearer than it had in months.
The shit I used to run from was the same shit I was ready to run toward now.
Renza’s love ain’t scare me the way it used to.
I wanted all that intensity. I wanted the way he loved hard and demanded honesty when I was more comfortable hidin’ behind bullshit.
I wanted his mouth, his attitude, his temper, his softness when he let me see it and every other part of that man that came with lovin’ him.
I wiped under my eyes again and stared out the windshield.
I wasn’t tryna figure out how to get away from Renza like I used to.
I was tryna figure out how the hell I was gon’ get back to him.
Days had passed since I called off the engagement to Couture, and I could finally admit that I felt lighter without that ring on my finger.
The relief ain’t make what I did easy, and it damn sure ain’t mean Couture wasn’t hurt. He had been callin’ and textin’ me since I walked out his apartment, but he wasn’t blowin’ my phone up every five minutes or beggin’ me to change my mind.
Couture was confused, and every message sounded like a man tryna go back through the last few months in his head to figure out what the fuck he missed.
One text asked me how long I had been feelin’ different and why I never told him.
Another one said he wasn’t tryna pressure me into comin’ back, but he needed to understand how we went from lookin’ at houses together to me givin’ him his ring and key back.
He called this mornin’ and left a voicemail I still hadn’t listened to all the way through.
I got as far as him sayin’ my name and tellin’ me he wasn’t mad before I cut it off.
I couldn’t deal with the pain in his voice when my own head was already fucked up enough.
For days, I fought the urge to call Toni and start askin’ questions, ’cause I ain’t wanna put her in the middle of nothin’ else.
I also knew she talked to Kay’Lo, which meant there was always a chance she knew somethin’ about Renza, but I had been doin’ my best not to use that connection every time missin’ him got too hard.
I wanted to handle this shit myself, especially now that I had finally cleared everything out my life that ain’t belong here.
By the afternoon, though, I couldn’t keep pretendin’ I wasn’t worried about him. I ain’t need Toni to fix anything for me or convince Renza to talk to me. I just needed to know how he was doin’, and after spendin’ half the day pickin’ up my phone and puttin’ it back down, I finally called her.
We started out for a while talkin’ about regular shit when my mind started driftin’ where it always went. I was laid across my bed with my phone pressed against my ear while Toni moved around on her end, and I kept goin’ back and forth with myself about whether I even wanted to open that door.
Eventually, Toni must’ve noticed how quiet I got ‘cause she asked, “What’s wrong with you?”
“Nothin’,” I replied low.
“‘Nelle, you been on the phone with me long enough for me to know somethin’ on yo’ mind.”
I rubbed my hand across my forehead. “I’m tryna mind my business.”
“That sound like it got somethin’ to do with Renza already.”
I let out a breath and stared at the ceilin’. “I been tryna keep from askin’ you anything about Renza, ’cause I don’t wanna put you in the middle of shit.”
“So, what you wanna know?” Toni asked.
I hesitated before finally speakin’.
“I just wanna know if he okay,” I said. “That’s it. I ain’t heard nothin’ from him, and I been tryna leave you alone about it, but I can’t sit here and act like I don’t think about that nigga every damn day.”
“I know you do,” Toni said real soft. “And I know you miss him. I just don’t know how to be there for you with this without feelin’ like I’m betrayin’ ‘Lo. You know how he is when it come to me, bitch.”
I understood what she was sayin’, and I ain’t wanna make it harder on her. “I know, and that’s why I ain’t been callin’ you askin’ shit. I don’t want you feelin’ like you gotta choose between me and your husband. I just wanna know if Renza good.”
Toni got quiet again, and when she finally spoke, there was somethin’ different in her voice, like she was torn between leavin’ this shit alone and supportin’ me ‘cause she knew how I felt about Renza.
“He good as far as I know, but he ain’t been at Pressure’s. He packed some of his shit and left Trill-Land a few days ago.”
I pushed myself up against the headboard as soon as she said it. “What you mean he left Trill-Land?”
“That’s what I been tryna figure out too,” Toni said. “I overheard Kay’Lo talkin’ to him, and from what I heard, Renza just needed to get away for a while and clear his mind.”
“He packed his shit and went where, though?” I asked.
Toni got quiet, and when she ain’t answer right away, I knew there was more she could tell me.
I ain’t wanna push her into sayin’ somethin’ she wasn’t comfortable with, especially when I had already tried hard not to drag her into the middle of whatever was left between me and Renza.
At the same time, I was gon’ crazy if I ain’t get more information.
“You know where he went?” I asked again.
“I do,” Toni finally said. “But damn, Sha’Nelle. ’Lo told me to stay out this shit.”
“I know he did,” I replied before signin’.
“And I been tryna respect that,” Toni said. “But you sittin’ here hurtin’ over Renza, and I’m supposed to know where that nigga at and not tell you?”
I closed my eyes and rubbed my forehead. “Again… this why I ain’t been tryna put you in this position.”
“I know, bitch. I know ain’t doin’ it on purpose.”
Toni went quiet for a second before she continued. “It’s just hard, ’cause I understand ’Lo side too. Renza his cousin, and he protective over him. But you my cousin, and if you tellin’ me you wanna go fight for that nigga, I understand that shit too. I get it too much to act like I don’t.”
“I do wanna fight for the shit. I’m not lettin’ this shit end like this.”
“And see, that’s where I’m fucked up at,” Toni said. “’Cause if that was ’Lo, ain’t no way in hell I’d just sit somewhere missin’ my husband when I knew I wanted him. I’d be tryna get to his ass too.”
“Exactly.”
Toni stayed quiet for another moment before she finally gave in. “Fuck… He in Amiri.”
I frowned. “Where the fuck is Amiri?”
“Bitch, I don’t know. Some island. You know these rich niggas be goin’ to places a bitch ain’t never heard of. All I know is that’s where Renza went.”
“How you know for sure?”
“’Cause Kay’Lo been talkin’ to him since he left.”
That was all I needed to hear. I put my phone on speaker and opened my browser before Toni could even finish talkin’. “Hold on, ’cause I need to see where the fuck this place even at.”
“Look it up, ’cause I ain’t got shit else for you. I couldn’t tell you what side of Amiri that nigga on if my life depended on it.”
“At least I got a location, I guess.”
I typed Amiri in the search bar, and once everything loaded, I started scrollin’ through pictures and information about a place I ain’t even know existed five minutes ago.