17. Sha’nelle Harper
Greystone City
It was Saturday mornin’ and I was in bed feelin’ like I had finally reached the part where I couldn’t lie to myself no more.
Renza’s birthday was last week, and that whole fuckin’ day had tore my nerves up worse than I could’ve imagined.
I wanted to call him so bad just to hear his voice and tell him happy birthday, but I ain’t do it. I knew better than to keep reachin’ for him when he had already made it clear he wasn’t gon’ deal with me.
I thought about textin’ Toni and askin’ what he did or whether everybody celebrated him, but I left that alone too.
The last time I put Toni in the middle of me and Renza, Kay’Lo went off on both our asses and put me out they house.
I wasn’t finna keep draggin’ my cousin into some shit that could start another problem in her marriage just ‘cause I was hurtin’. I loved her too much.
I had been tryna thug it out since then, but I couldn’t keep doin’ that shit either. There was only so long I could act like I was fine before the truth started sittin’ right in my face.
I was tired of wakin’ up thinkin’ about Renza, goin’ through my day thinkin’ about Renza, then layin’ my ass back down at night missin’ him like I ain’t have no sense.
I ain’t wanna keep pretendin’ like Couture could somehow fill that space if I just gave it enough time.
Time wasn’t doin’ shit except makin’ me more sure that I was with the wrong man.
I was sittin’ against my pillows with Couture’s engagement ring in my hand, lookin’ at it like I had never seen it before. I wasn’t cryin’ or fussin’. I wasn’t even mad. I was just lookin’ at it and finally lettin’ myself think about what this ring really meant.
It meant Couture was still lookin’ at houses and plannin’ a weddin’ with a woman whose heart wasn’t in none of it.
It meant his family was movin’ forward with plans while I kept showin’ up and smilin’ like I belonged in them.
It meant I had been lettin’ a good man build around a future I already knew I ain’t want.
I closed my fingers around the ring and stared across the room.
Couture deserved somebody who wanted to wake up next to him every mornin’ and mean it. He deserved somebody who got excited when he talked about houses and weddin’ plans instead of somebody sittin’ there thinkin’ about another nigga.
I had been holdin’ on ‘cause I ain’t wanna hurt him, but the longer I kept this shit goin’, the worse I was makin’ it. At some point I had to stop callin’ it kindness when all I was really doin’ fuckin’ this whole situation up.
I pulled the cover back and got out the bed before I could start talkin’ myself out of what I already knew needed to happen.
Once I was in the bathroom, I took my gown off, turned the shower on hot and stepped under the water.
I stood here for a while with my eyes closed and let it run over me while I thought about everything that had brought me to this point.
Couture offered me somethin’ safe, but it wasn’t what I wanted.
Renza had always been too much for me in the ways I wasn’t used to.
He loved hard, he moved hard and when he wanted something’, that man ain’t know how to want it halfway.
I used to look at that intensity and feel like I needed to protect myself from it.
Now I was standin’ under the water wishin’ I understood sooner that I had been runnin’ from the very thing my heart kept reachin’ back for.
I washed myself and let my mind go where it wanted to go. I thought about Couture and the conversation I was about to have with him. I thought about Renza and all the shit I wished I could take back.
By the time I turned the water off, I felt nervous as hell, but I also felt like I had finally made one decision that wasn’t based on fear.
I got out, brushed my teeth and washed my face before pullin’ my hair up into a high ponytail. I got dressed without spendin’ too much time on what I looked. I grabbed my phone, purse and keys, then walked out the house before I could find another reason to sit around and think.
The drive to Couture’s apartment felt longer than usual.
My hands stayed on the wheel and my stomach kept turnin’ every time I thought about how his face was gon’ look when I gave the ring back.
I knew I was about to hurt him, and that part wasn’t easy for me.
At the same time, there was somethin’ inside me that felt lighter the closer I got.
I knew I couldn’t fix my heart while I was still holdin’ on to somethin’ that ain’t belong there.
When I pulled into his complex, I parked and sat here with the car still runnin’.
I looked through the windshield and took a deep breath, then another one.
My heart was beatin’ hard ‘cause once I got out, there wasn’t no takin’ this shit back.
Couture was gon’ know exactly where I stood, and for the first time in months, I was ready for somebody to know the truth even if it hurt.
I turned the car off and grabbed my purse.
By the time I made it upstairs, my hands was already tremblin’.
I unlocked Couture’s door with the key he gave me and stepped inside.
I could hear him movin’ around in the kitchen, and a few seconds later I saw him standin’ shirtless by the counter makin’ coffee.
He looked over when I walked in and smiled.
“Damn baby,” I ain’t know you was comin’ over.”
Before I could answer, he walked toward me and pulled me into a hug. I let him hold me for a second, and that made what I came to do feel even worse. When he let me go, I nodded and looked down at the keys in my hand.
“You good?” Couture asked.
“Yeah,” I said low, even though I knew I wasn’t.
I started workin’ his key off my ring.
Couture watched my hands and his face changed before I even got it loose. “What you doin’ Sha’Nelle?”
I ain’t answer him right away. I finally pulled the key free and held it out.
He looked at it, then back at me. “Sha’Nelle, why you givin’ me yo’ key?”
I swallowed and reached into my purse. My fingers closed around the ring, and when I pulled it out, Couture went quiet.
I held it toward him with the key. His eyes dropped to my hand, and I could see the confusion settle across his face. He looked like he was tryna figure out what had happened between yesterday and this mornin’ even though the truth was that this had been happenin’ for a long time.
“What is this?” he asked.
My eyes started burnin’, but I refused to let the tears fall yet.
“I can’t keep doin’ this to you.”
Couture frowned. “Doin’ what?”
I looked at him and forced myself to say it plain. “Actin’ like I want the same life you want with me when my heart ain’t in it.”
He just stared at me…
I could tell he wasn’t expectin’ that answer, and that hurt to see ‘cause Couture had been movin’ like we was really headed somewhere together. In his mind, we was.
I kept my voice low ‘cause I ain’t wanna turn this into no big fight.
“You need to be with somebody who want what you want from you. Somebody who wanna look at houses with you and actually be happy about where y’all gon’ live. Somebody who wanna plan a weddin’ with you and ain’t sittin’ there feelin’ wrong every time the shit get brought up.”
Couture looked down at the ring in my hand again. “So you just done?”
My throat tightened, but I nodded. “I gotta be.”
He took the key and ring from me, and that tiny movement made my chest hurt worse than I expected. I looked at his hand closin’ around both of them and knew that whatever happened after today, I had finally stopped pretendin’.
Couture was quiet for a few seconds before askin’, “Why now? What brought this on… I mean… what the fuck, Sha’Nelle?”
I blinked hard and looked away for a second ‘cause the tears was right there. “’Cause I can’t keep lettin’ you plan around me when I know I ain’t in this the way you are. That ain’t fair to you.”
His face looked hurt, and I hated that I put that look there.
“I should’ve told you sooner,” I said. “I’m sorry for that. But I’d rather tell you now than wait until we get all the way to a weddin’ and I ghost you or stand there knowin’ damn well I don’t wanna go through with it.”
He rubbed his hand over his face and looked at me like he had a hundred questions. I knew if I stayed, I was gon’ end up answerin’ shit I wasn’t ready to answer or hearin’ him say somethin’ that made me second-guess what I already knew.
“I gotta go,” I said.
“Sha’Nelle. You serious right now?”
“I’m sorry, Couture.”
I turned my back before the first tear could fall in front of him and walked out of the apartment.
By the time I reached the stairs, my vision was blurry. I wiped at my face and kept movin’ until I got to my car ‘cause I needed to get away from that buildin’ before I broke all the way down.
I started the car and pulled out the complex, then drove until I found an open lot where I could park without somebody watchin’ me lose my shit. The second I put the car in park, everything I had been holdin’ back came out.
I covered my face with both hands and cried so hard my whole body started shakin’. I cried ‘cause I knew I hurt Couture, and I cried ‘cause I had finally let go of somethin’ I had been usin’ to hide from myself.
Once the tears started, Renza was all I could think about. I missed that man so bad it felt like the ache had worked its way into every part of me.
“I miss you,” I whispered, wiping my face. “I miss you so fuckin’ much.”
I leaned back against the seat and closed my eyes. All I could see was him.
Renza lookin’ at me when he was pissed off.
Renza laughin’ when I said some smart shit.
Renza pullin’ me into him like he ain’t care what I had to say about it.
Renza lovin’ me with that same intensity I used to complain about ‘cause I ain’t understand how rare it was to have somebody want you that hard and still see you clearly.
I wanted him. I wanted my man, and that truth ain’t scare me no more.