16. Renza Mensah #4
I spent the rest of the celebration doin’ exactly what I was here to do.
I drank, laughed with my people, cut into my cake, and let everybody talk they shit.
Every now and then I caught myself driftin’, but I pulled it back before somebody could notice.
I wasn’t finna stand around with my family celebratin’ me while lookin’ like somebody had died.
By the time shit started slowin’ down, I had more gifts than I knew where the hell I was gon’ put.
Pressure looked at the pile and laughed. “Nigga, don’t tip the whip over with all this shit.”
“Y’all niggas the one that bought the shit.”
Blaq picked up one of the boxes. “Come on before this nigga start arguin’ about the gifts.”
“I’m finna argue with yo’ ass if you drop one,” I said.
He laughed and carried it toward the door while Pressure grabbed a couple more.
The three of us went back and forth until everything was packed into my trunk and back seat. I stood by the car with my hands on my hips lookin’ at all that shit, then glanced at Pressure.
“I ain’t gon’ lie though. You did good, nigga.”
Pressure looked at me. “I know.”
“Forreal though,” I said. “Good ass night. I appreciate you.”
Pressure hugged me. “You my nigga. You ain’t gotta thank me.”
“I know. I’m still sayin’ it.”
He nodded when we pulled apart and slapped my shoulder.
I dapped Blaq and pulled him into a quick hug too before we all headed back inside.
I made my rounds one more time ‘cause my mama would’ve called me as soon as I hit the street if I left without tellin’ her bye.
I hugged her, then Pops, spoke to everybody else, and finally got my ass outta there before somebody found another reason to keep me.
The second the car door closed behind me, the night got quieter than I wanted it to. I sat here for a minute with both hands on the wheel before pullin’ off.
At first I tried to hold on to the good mood I left with. I turned the music up and let it play while I drove, but somewhere between the jewelry store and the house, that hug with Toni came back to me.
I could still see her face. The shit she ain’t say bothered me.
I knew Toni loved her cousin. I knew Sha’Nelle and Toni was close. That wasn’t news to me, but tonight it felt different ‘cause Toni was the closest thing to Sha’Nelle I had let near me in months.
I had done a good job keepin’ my distance from anything that made me think about her too hard.
I went where I needed to go, handled my shit and came home.
I stopped lookin’ for reasons to hear about her and stopped lettin’ people drag her name into conversations with me.
Then Toni hugged me, and all that distance I had created felt thin as fuck.
I kept drivin’ with one hand on the wheel and the other restin’ near the console. The fucked up part was that I had a good night… a damn good night.
My family showed up for me. They spent money on me, celebrated me, laughed with me and made sure I knew I was loved. I had everything a nigga could ask for and then some. Still, when I thought about the night as a whole, there was one person missin’ from it.
And that was Sha’Nelle….
I hated how easy her name still came into my mind.
The perfect gift wouldn’t have been another watch or some expensive shit sittin’ in my trunk.
If somebody had asked me what I really wanted before all of this got fucked up, I would’ve said her.
I would’ve wanted Sha’Nelle standin’ somewhere in that room laughin’ with Toni, talkin’ shit with Pluto, and lookin’ at me the way she used to when she was happy to be somewhere with me. That was the shit I couldn’t buy.
By the time I pulled into the driveway, I felt heavier than I did when I left the party.
I cut the engine and sat here in the dark car for a minute, lookin’ through the windshield at the mansion.
I ain’t really wanna go inside…
Eventually I grabbed my phone and went inside.
I left most of the gifts in the car ‘cause I ain’t give a fuck about bringin’ ‘em in right now. The Rolex stayed on my wrist while I walked through the house, and I went straight down the hall.
When I got to my room, I sat on the edge of the bed and looked down at my phone.
My thumb moved across the screen, then stopped.
I wasn’t about to call Sha’Nelle, but for a few seconds, I sat here wonderin’ what would happen if I did.
Would she answer on the first ring? Would she cry? Would she be mad? Would hearin’ her voice calm some of this shit down, or would it tear open everything I had been tryna keep closed?
I locked the phone and dropped it beside me. “Nah.”
I rubbed both hands over my face and leaned forward with my elbows on my knees.
A nigga was tired in a way sleep couldn’t fix.
I needed to leave…
The thought came into my head, and instead of pushin’ it away, I sat with it.
I needed to get off the island…
I ain’t wanna go somewhere and turn up until I forgot my name. I wanted somewhere quiet enough for me to hear myself without everybody else’s life movin’ around me.
I picked my phone back up and started lookin’ at flights.
I found a flight to another island called Amiri that was leavin’ in a few days and booked it one way. I ain’t even look at a return flight. Whenever I came back, I came back. When the confirmation came through, I stared at the screen for a few seconds before puttin’ the phone down.
I went to the closet and pulled out a designer suitcase before startin’ to pack. I grabbed clothes I knew I was gon’ actually wear, a few pairs of shoes, and everything else I needed.
The more I packed, the better I felt about leavin’. I needed a place where nobody expected me to be Renza Mensah for a minute. I needed somewhere I could wake up and not have to answer questions, show my face or act like I had my shit together when my heart had been draggin’ me through hell.
I had almost finished packin’ when my eyes moved toward the safe, and I stopped what I was doin’ to stare at it for a minute.
I already knew what was inside, and even though I hadn’t touched that ring in so long I couldn’t remember the last time I actually held it, I found myself walkin’ toward the safe anyway.
I put the code in and opened it, then reached inside until my hand closed around the box. Just holdin’ this bitch again brought back feelin’s I had been workin’ hard to keep away from me.
I carried it over to the bed and sat down with it in my hand, wonderin’ why the fuck I decided to do this to myself tonight of all nights.
The deep blue diamond I picked for Sha’Nelle months ago sat in the middle of all those white diamonds like I had just bought it yesterday. At the time, I wanted Sha’Nelle to have it ‘cause I wanted her to be my wife.
That was what hurt…
I sat here with the box open in my hand and thought about how different everything looked when I first bought that ring.
Back then, I could picture myself puttin’ it on her finger. I could see her lookin’ down at it and then back at me with that pretty ass smile.
Now she had another nigga ring on her finger.
I closed my eyes and rubbed my thumb along the outside of the box.
“Fuck.”
My chest felt like somebody had reached inside and twisted that bitch by hand.
Part of me wanted to put the ring right back in the safe, lock it up and leave without it. Maybe that was where it belonged, hidden somewhere I ain’t have to look at it until I figured out what the hell I was supposed to do with it. But when I stood up to put it back, I couldn’t.
I looked down at the box in my hand again. For some reason, leavin’ it here felt worse. Maybe I needed to look at what I had been runnin’ from instead of lockin’ it away every time it hurt.
I walked back to the suitcase and opened one of the inside pockets before slidin’ the ring box inside. I zipped it up and stood here with my hand restin’ on the suitcase for a second.
In a few days, I was leavin’ Trill-Land.
This island had my whole life on it, and right now my heart needed somewhere else to breathe.
I wasn’t lookin’ for answers the second the plane landed, and I wasn’t expectin’ a few days away to erase what happened between me and Sha’Nelle.
I just needed to get somewhere I could sit with myself long enough to figure out what I really wanted instead of makin’ every decision from a place of hurt.
I closed the suitcase and left it near the closet before sittin’ back on the edge of my bed.
I looked around my room, then down toward the closet.
Maybe gettin’ away wouldn’t fix shit. But I needed to try, ‘cause stayin’ here and actin’ like I was good wasn’t doin’ a damn thing for me either.