17. Sha’nelle Harper #4
We kept lookin’ through everything we could find about the island.
I checked how I could get around, what was near the hotels and how much I needed to set aside for food and everything else once I got there.
Toni helped me compare the places I saved, and whenever I started gettin’ ahead of myself, she pulled me back to whatever we was supposed to be lookin’ at.
By the time the sun started goin’ down outside my window, my bed was covered with the notebook I had grabbed, my charger and the purse I dumped out earlier while lookin’ for one of my cards. I had prices written down and enough tabs open on my phone that I was startin’ to confuse myself.
Couture called somewhere in the middle of all this shit, and I watched his name come across my screen before the call disappeared.
A text followed a few minutes later, but I ain’t open it.
I knew he was still tryna understand why everything changed so fast for him, but there wasn’t nothin’ left for me to decide when it came to us.
I had already made that decision, and right now every part of me was focused on where I was goin’ next.
After another hour of lookin’ around, I went back to the hotel Toni and I liked the most. The price was higher than I wanted, but it left me enough money to handle myself once I got there and get back home if everything went wrong.
Before I booked it, I picked my phone up from the bed. “Toni, I need you to tell me one more time before I spend this money. Renza is really in Amiri? Is you sure, sure?”
“Yes,” Toni said, and there wasn’t no hesitation in her voice this time. “Kay’Lo been talkin’ to him. That nigga is in Amiri. I don’t know his hotel, and I don’t know what part of the island he stayin’ on, but I know that’s where he at.”
“Okay,” I said, noddin’.
“You sure you wanna do this?” Toni asked, and I could tell by her voice that she was worried.
I looked at the hotel page before answerin’. “Yes. I have to.”
Toni was quiet for a moment before she said, “Okay then, bitch.”
I filled out the rest of the hotel information and checked everything twice before I booked it. When the confirmation came through, I stared at the amount that had left my account and rubbed my forehead.
“I booked the hotel.”
“Now, you got somewhere to sleep now,” Toni said. “And somewhere decent too.”
“Yeah, but my bank account already mad at me.”
“You ain’t done yet either.”
“I know. Don’t remind me.”
I went back to the flights, and that was where I sat for another twenty minutes comparin’ prices all over again.
The twelve-hundred-dollar option looked good until I started really lookin’ at how long it would take me to get there. The flights that made more sense cost more, and once I added what I needed, the total had climbed enough that I had to put my phone down for a minute.
This was real money. It was damn near all the money I had saved for myself, and I was about to spend a couple thousand dollars ‘cause Renza went to an island I ain’t know existed until today.
“What you thinkin’ about?” Toni asked.
“How bad this shit gon’ hurt if I get all the way over there and that man don’t want me… or I can’t find him.”
Toni ain’t rush to make me feel better with some bullshit answer.
“It probably will hurt, Sha’Nelle. But you ain’t goin’ ‘cause somebody promised you he was gon’ take you back.
You goin’ ‘cause you know what you want now, and you don’t wanna sit in Greystone wonderin’ if you should’ve fought harder for him. ”
I stared down at the flight information while her words sank in.
“I love Renza...”
“I know you do,” Toni said. “And I think you finally understand lovin’ him don’t mean you get to control how this turn out. All you can do is show up right this time and let Renza decide what he wanna do with that.”
My eyes filled with tears, but I wiped ‘em before they could roll down my face.
I looked at the price one more time, and I knew I was done talkin’ myself in circles. I had already spent months wishin’ I could undo shit I couldn’t change. I couldn’t take back every choice that hurt Renza, but I could decide what I did now.
Finally, I booked the flight.
“Toni, I did it.”
“You booked it?”
“Yeah. Hotel and flight both done.”
“Okay, then make sure you keep the rest of yo’ money where it is until you get there. If you need more money, you know I got you. You got somewhere to stay, you got a way there and back, and you ain’t stranded.“
I nodded while lookin’ at both confirmations.
The fear was still here, but it wasn’t enough to make me regret what I just did.
Somewhere in Amiri was the man I loved, and for once there wasn’t another relationship hangin’ over me while I tried to reach for him.
I ain’t know how I was gon’ find Renza when I landed, and I damn sure ain’t know what his face was gon’ look like if I managed to get in front of him.
I only knew I loved him enough to spend money I had worked hard to save and travel further than I ever did in my fuckin’ life just for the chance to tell him I was finally ready to give him what I should’ve gave him a long time ago.