18. Renza Mensah
Amiri
One week later…
I had been in Amiri for over a week, and most days I ain’t have shit planned when I woke up. That was probably what I liked most about bein’ here.
Back home, it seemed like there was always somewhere I needed to be or somebody callin’ my phone about somethin’. Since I landed, I had been lettin’ myself wake up whenever my body was ready, smoke, eat and figure the rest of the day out whenever I felt like movin’.
The villa I rented sat right over the water with a long patio wrapped around the back of it. The bedroom had glass doors that opened toward the ocean, and most nights I ain’t even bother closin’ the curtains before I went to sleep.
The sun woke me up, and the first thing I saw was blue water stretchin’ further than I could see. There was a private walkway that took me straight down to the beach, so I had spent a lot of mornin’s out there barefoot with a blunt in my hand while the sand was still cool.
I ain’t come to Amiri with no itinerary, but I had done more than I expected since bein’ here.
The first couple days, I stayed close to the villa ‘cause I ain’t feel like bein’ around too many people. I ordered food, smoked damn near all day and slept whenever I got tired. By the third day, I got tired of lookin’ at the same walls and started movin’ around the island.
Amiri was beautiful as fuck, and the longer I stayed, the more I understood why somebody would come here when they ain’t wanna be bothered. It had enough shit goin’ on that I wasn’t stuck sittin’ around, but it never felt crowded everywhere I went.
I had rented a truck when I landed, and some days I drove without knowin’ where the fuck I was headed. I would stop when I saw somewhere I wanted to eat or pull over when I found a beach that wasn’t packed with people.
One mornin’, I ended up at a small spot called Salt House close to the water and had fried snapper with eggs, fried plantains and some potatoes they cooked with peppers and onions. I ain’t know what made me order fish that damn early, but the shit was good enough that I went back two days later.
Another night, I found a restaurant where they grilled lobster outside and served it with rice, vegetables and some spicy ass sauce that had me sweatin’ while I ate it.
I had been eatin’ a lot of seafood since I got here, but I found a place that made jerk lamb too, and that shit had been the best thing I ate on the island so far.
I went out on a boat one afternoon after somebody at the villa told me where I could rent one with a captain. I spent a few hours on the water, smoked and ain’t do much talkin’.
Another day, I rented a jet ski and stayed out until my arms got tired. I had even found a gym after a few days ‘cause sittin’ around smokin’ and eatin’ all damn day started makin’ me feel lazy.
Most evenin’s, though, I ended up back on the beach. I would walk until I got tired of walkin’, then find somewhere to sit and watch the water until it got dark.
I bought enough weed that I ain’t have to worry about runnin’ out no time soon. I wasn’t walkin’ around high out my fuckin’ mind all day, but I stayed with somethin’ rolled. It slowed my thoughts down enough for me to enjoy where I was without spendin’ every quiet minute inside my own head.
My family had been checkin’ on me since I left.
Pressure called a couple times and texted whenever I went too long without answerin’ him.
Pluto had been hittin’ me up too, mostly makin’ sure I was straight.
I appreciated all of ‘em without needin’ to have some long conversation every time they checked on me.
Kay’Lo was different, though.
That nigga called me every day. Sometimes we talked for twenty minutes, and sometimes it wasn’t even five.
He never made it feel like he was checkin’ up on me ‘cause he thought I couldn’t handle myself either.
He would call, talk his shit, tell me what was goin’ on back home and let me decide how much I felt like sayin’.
It was the evenin’, and I was outside on the patio with my feet kicked up when ‘Lo’s FaceTime came through. I had already smoked half my blunt, and the box with the ring was sittin’ on the table next to my drink.
Kay’Lo’s face popped up on the screen, and My’Love was sittin’ in his lap with one of her hands wrapped around his chain.
“Wus’ good?” He asked.
“Shit, chillin’,” I told him as I leaned back in the chair. “What y’all doin’?”
“Nothin’. Toni in the house doin’ some shit, and this lil’ girl been on my ass since I got home,” Kay’Lo said before lookin’ down at My’Love.
My’Love looked at the phone when she saw my face and I smiled when she reached for it.
“There go my ‘Lo’Lo,” I said. “Wussup girl?”
Kay’Lo turned the phone toward her a lil’ more, and she started babblin’ at me like she had somethin’ important to say. I listened until she finished, then nodded like I understood every word.
“Yeah, I feel you,” I told her. “Yo’ daddy be on that bullshit.”
Kay’Lo looked at the screen. “Nigga shut up.”
I laughed and took another pull from my blunt. “She said you gettin’ on her nerves.”
“She been terrorizin’ me since I walked through the door, but somehow I’m the problem.”
“That’s yo’ baby.”
I laughed again while Kay’Lo adjusted My’Love against his chest. She settled back against him and started playin’ with his chain again while he looked at me through the screen.
“You straight, though?” He asked.
“Yeah, I’m good.”
“You actually good, or you just tellin’ me that shit so I don’t ask again?”
“I’m actually good,” I said. “Better than I was when I first got here.”
Kay’Lo nodded once. “A’ght then.”
“I ain’t say I got everything figured out, but my head ain’t all over the fuckin’ place like it was. I been sleepin’ good too.”
“That shit matter,” Kay’Lo said. “You wasn’t sleepin’ worth a fuck before you left.”
“Nah, I wasn’t.”
For a minute, I watched the water while I smoked. The sun had started droppin’, and everything across the water had that orange look it got around the same time every evenin’.
“I think gettin’ away was the right move,” I said. “I ain’t realize how bad I needed some quiet until I got here. Don’t nobody need shit from me. I wake up and do whatever the fuck I feel like doin’.”
“You been doin’ anything besides smokin’, nigga?”
“Hell yeah. I been all over this bitch. Went out on the water, been hittin’ different restaurants and found a gym a few days ago. I been drivin’ around too. Shit, yesterday I was gone damn near the whole day.”
Kay’Lo looked at me for a second before he nodded. “Good. I ain’t want yo’ ass flyin’ all the way out there just to sit in a room fucked up.”
“Nah, I wasn’t gon’ do that.”
“I know, but you wasn’t exactly yourself when you left either.”
Kay’Lo knew me well enough to know when I was fucked up, and I knew him well enough to know he wasn’t gon’ pretend he ain’t see it.
“I’m cool now,” I told him. “Not all the way, but I’m gettin’ there.”
“As long as you gettin’ there, that’s all that matter.”
I nodded and took another pull from the blunt. We talked for a while after that.
Kay’Lo told me about some shit he had goin’ on with the cars, and I told him about the truck I rented when I got to Amiri. He asked how the villa was ‘cause I never showed it to him. I flipped the camera around so he could see the water from where I was sittin’.
“That bitch nice,” Kay’Lo said.
“Yeah, I fuck with it. I might stay another week or two.”
Kay’Lo looked at the screen. “Another two?”
“Maybe. I ain’t got shit makin’ me rush back.”
“A’ight, just don’t start lookin’ at houses and shit.”
I laughed. “Nigga, I ain’t movin’ out here.”
“I’m just makin’ sure. You get too comfortable somewhere and don’t wanna come back ‘cause you talkin’ about you found peace.”
“I am tryna find some peace, nigga.”
“Find that shit and bring yo’ ass home when you done.”
I shook my head while laughin’.
“I’m serious. Stay as long as you need to, though,” he said. “And if you need somethin’, hit me.”
“I’m good, ’Lo.”
“I know you good. I ain’t say you wasn’t.”
My’Love started squirmin’ in his lap, and Kay’Lo shifted her before she could slide down his leg.
“I’m finna get this lil’ girl in the house before she start actin’ crazy,” he said.
“She already act crazy. That’s yo’ child.”
Kay’Lo smirked before he looked down at My’Love. “Tell ya cousin bye.”
I watched her look at the screen and wave her hand after Kay’Lo helped her get it started.
“Bye, ‘Lo’Lo. Love you,” I told her.
Kay’Lo pulled the phone back toward himself. “I’mma hit you tomorrow.”
“A’ight.”
“Love you, nigga.”
“Love you too.”
We got off the phone, and I set mine back on the table before finishin’ the rest of my blunt. The water was darker now, and lights had started comin’ on around the villas further down the shoreline.
I sat here for a while without music playin’ or the TV on inside. I had got used to the sound of the water bein’ enough.
When the blunt got down too low to keep smokin’, I put it out and reached for my drink. That was when my eyes landed on the box again.
I had been movin’ that muthafufka around the villa since I got here.
Some days it stayed inside my bag. Other days I left it in the room, then somehow ended up bringin’ it outside with me.
I ain’t know why I kept fuckin’ with it when I wasn’t no closer to knowin’ what I wanted to do with the ring inside.
I picked the box up and turned it around in my hand before openin’ it.
The blue diamond caught what lil’ light was left outside, and I stared at it without touchin’ it. I had spent too much fuckin’ money on this ring to act like throwin’ it away wouldn’t bother me, but lately I had been thinkin’ about gettin’ rid of it anyway.
Sellin’ it sounded stupid when I ain’t need the money. Throwin’ the shit somewhere sounded even dumber after what I paid for it. Takin’ it back home just meant puttin’ it in the safe again and knowin’ it was there. None of those choices felt right.
I closed the box and left my hand on top of it while I looked back toward the water.
Amiri had helped more than I thought it would. I wasn’t wakin’ up on edge no more, and I ain’t feel like I could barely breathe when my mind got too quiet. I could eat without havin’ to remind myself, sleep through the night and go hours without thinkin’ about nothin’ that happened back home.
Sha’Nelle still felt close, though…
I ain’t have to sit around obsessin’ over her for that to be true either. Her name could go unthought of all day, and then I would look at this damn box and feel everything I had been tryna sort through sittin’ right here with me again.
I ran my hand down my face and leaned back in the chair. For a second, I thought about openin’ the box again, but there wasn’t shit inside it I ain’t already seen.
Maybe I needed to get rid of the ring. I just ain’t know if I was ready to do that yet.
I left the box on the table, picked up my drink and looked back out at the water. I came to Amiri to clear my head, and for the first time in a minute, I could finally feel myself gettin’ there. I wasn’t finna force an answer out myself tonight just ‘cause this ring was sittin’ in front of me.
I could give myself another week or two. Maybe by then, I would know what the fuck I wanted to do with it.