19. Sha’nelle Harper
Amiri
Yesterday mornin’ I made it to Amiri, and even after the plane landed, I sat there for a minute with my forehead against the window ‘cause I still couldn’t believe I had really did this shit.
I really sat my crazy ass up here, packed a suitcase, spent damn near all the money I had to myself and crossed all that water behind a man who ain’t even know I was comin’.
Renza ain’t know I was on the island lookin’ for him. He ain’t know Toni had told me where he went, and he damn sure ain’t know I had been sittin’ on that plane the whole way here with my stomach twisted up every time I thought about finally seein’ him again.
By the time I got off the plane and made my way through the airport, I was tired enough that all I wanted was to get to my hotel.
I grabbed my suitcase once it came around, pulled the handle up and followed everybody else toward the front.
Amiri looked beautiful from what I could see outside, but I wasn’t in the mood to stand around takin’ pictures or actin’ like I came here on some regular vacation.
My nerves had been fucked up since before I left Greystone, and actually bein’ on the same island as Renza only made everything feel more real.
I got a cab outside and gave the driver the name of my hotel before he put my suitcase in the trunk. When I climbed in the backseat, I sat by the window and watched Amiri pass by while we drove.
There was stretches of clear water that looked almost too blue to be real, lil’ shops along the road and places where people was walkin’ around in comfortable clothes like they ain’t have a care in the world.
Every now and then, I caught myself lookin’ harder at somebody we passed before I had to remind myself that Renza could’ve been anywhere.
That was the part that kept messin’ with me ‘cause Renza was somewhere on this same island, and I had no idea how close or far away he was from me. I could’ve passed somewhere he had just left or been sittin’ a few miles from wherever he was stayin’, and I wouldn’t even know it.
By the time I checked into my hotel and got upstairs, I ain’t have enough energy left to do nothin’ else.
The room was nice, and under any other circumstances I probably would’ve walked around lookin’ at everything or gone downstairs to see what was nearby. Instead, I kicked my sandals off, dropped my purse on the table and sat on the edge of the bed with my phone in my hand.
I stayed in the room the rest of the day.
I ordered food, took a long shower and changed into one of my oversized T-shirts before gettin’ back in bed.
I tried watchin’ TV, but I couldn’t tell you what the hell was on.
My mind kept driftin’ every time I heard a car outside or somebody walked past my door.
I knew Renza wasn’t about to magically knock on my hotel room, but my body still felt like it was waitin’ on somethin’.
Toni called me that night while I was halfway through the food I ordered.
“How you feel?” She asked when I answered.
“I don’t know,” I told her as I pushed the plate away and laid back against the pillows. “I still can’t believe I’m really here.”
“I knew it wasn’t gon’ hit you until you actually got there,” Toni said. “You been talkin’ about this shit all week, now you there with a nigga you can’t find.”
“That’s what keep fuckin’ with me,” I said. “I keep thinkin’ about how close he could be, and I don’t even know where to start.”
“Don’t start drivin’ yourself crazy tonight,” Toni told me. “You just got there. If I hear anything through ’Lo that can help you, I’ll let you know.”
“I appreciate that.”
Toni was quiet for a second before she asked, “You tried callin’ Renza yet?”
“Yeah,” I said with a sigh. “My regular number still blocked. That ain’t changed.”
“What about one of them text apps you was usin’ before?”
“I tried two of ’em. I don’t know if it’s this damn reception or what, but every time I call, the shit don’t even ring. It just sit there for a second and cut off.”
I looked down at my phone again like somethin’ might’ve changed since the last time I tried.
“Don’t let that make you lose focus,” Toni said. “You came too far to spend yo’ whole first day sittin’ there callin’ a phone that ain’t ringin’.”
“I know. That’s why I stopped tryin’.”
“You gon’ get out tomorrow?”
“I think so. I can’t keep sittin’ in this room. I’m already makin’ myself nervous.”
“Then go look around,” Toni said. “Eat somewhere, walk around and get a feel for the island. You ain’t gotta find Renza the first day you step outside.”
“I know that too.”
“I’m just sayin’, don’t put all that pressure on yourself.”
“I’m tryna not to.”
Toni stayed on the phone with me a lil’ longer while we talked about regular shit, and I needed that more than I thought I did.
By the time we got off the phone, I felt calm enough to finish some of my food and put my phone down without immediately tryin’ another number.
I ain’t wanna spend the whole trip cryin’ ‘cause I couldn’t get through to Renza.
I needed to keep my head together long enough to actually find him.
Today, I got up earlier than I expected and stood by the window for a while lookin’ outside.
The sun was already bright, and there was people walkin’ around.
I showered and slipped into a long white sundress that fell loose around my ankles, then pulled my hair up and grabbed my purse before headin’ downstairs.
I still ain’t have no real plan, but I knew I couldn’t stay in the room another full day.
I caught a cab from the hotel and asked the driver to take me somewhere I could walk around without spendin’ a bunch of money. He dropped me near a public beach area first, and I stayed out there for a while with my sandals in my hand.
I walked close enough for the water to wash over my feet and watched people swim while kids ran up and down the sand. It should’ve relaxed me more than it did, but every few minutes my mind wandered right back to Renza.
After that, I walked through a lil’ market close to the beach where people was sellin’ jewelry, handmade bags, clothes and food. I bought a bottle of water and kept movin’ ‘cause I wasn’t tryna shop.
I passed a few lil’ stores, looked through some stuff and stopped near the water long enough to sit down when my feet started hurtin’.
I kept my phone close the entire time. Every time it vibrated, I looked at it too fast. Most of it wasn’t nothin’ important.
Eventually, I got hungry enough that I knew I needed to eat. I searched for somewhere nearby and saw a restaurant called Salt House. It wasn’t far, and the pictures looked good enough, so I caught another cab and told the driver to take me there.
Salt House sat close to the water and had this laid-back feel to it that I liked as soon as I walked in. It wasn’t one of those places where I felt like I needed to be dressed up just to sit down.
There was tables inside and more outside where people could eat while lookin’ toward the water. I picked a table near one of the windows and sat my purse beside me before lookin’ over the menu.
My appetite had been weird since I landed. I could tell I was hungry, but my nerves made food feel like work.
I stared at the menu for a while before the fried snapper caught my attention. It came with eggs and potatoes cooked with peppers and onions, and for some reason that sounded like somethin’ I could actually eat.
When the server came over, I ordered it with water and set the menu aside.
While I waited, I looked around the restaurant. There was an older couple sittin’ a few tables over, two women talkin’ near the front and a man by himself outside. Nobody looked familiar, but I still found myself lookin’ anyway.
I hated how alert I was. I had been on the island barely a day, and somehow every black man with a beard made me look twice.
When my food came, I stared at the plate for a second before pickin’ up my fork.
The snapper smelled good, and the potatoes looked even better, but I had to make myself start eatin’.
Once I took the first couple bites, I understood why Salt House had so many good reviews.
The fish was seasoned good, and the potatoes had enough peppers and onions in ‘em that I kept eatin’ even when my stomach tried tellin’ me I wasn’t hungry no more.
Every few bites, my eyes drifted toward the entrance, ‘cause I couldn’t help it. Renza could’ve walked through that door and I probably would’ve dropped the damn fork. But he never did.
Once I finished what I could, I paid for my food and left a tip before grabbin’ my purse. I stepped outside and stood here for a second while I decided whether I wanted to call another cab or walk. The weather felt too good to get right back in a car, so I started down the sidewalk instead.
There was more stores and restaurants scattered through the area, and enough people walkin’ around that I ain’t feel weird bein’ by myself.
I passed a shop with beach clothes hangin’ outside, then another place sellin’ drinks and snacks. I wasn’t lookin’ for nothin’ in particular, but I also wasn’t ready to go back to the hotel.
I had only walked a few minutes when I smelled weed. My feet slowed before my mind even caught up.
The scent moved through the air with the wind, and somethin’ about it made my chest pull tight while I looked around to see where it was comin’ from.
There was too many people nearby for me to tell, but it immediately made me think about Renza.
I knew it was probably crazy as hell to follow the smell of weed on an island full of people, but somethin’ about it felt like him, and before I could talk myself out of it, I kept walkin’ in the direction the scent seemed to be comin’ from.
The smell got stronger for a second, then faded when the wind changed.
I moved past a couple standin’ outside one of the shops and looked further down the street.
Somebody laughed nearby, a car pulled away from the curb and music played low from somewhere behind me, but none of it held my attention.
I was listenin’ for somethin’ I couldn’t name, and lookin’ for somebody I couldn’t see.
My heart started beatin’ harder the further I walked.
I knew how crazy I had to look if anybody was payin’ attention to me, but I ain’t care. I kept movin’ past people while my eyes searched the sidewalk, the parked cars and every face that came close enough for me to see clearly.
For a second, the smell of weed came back stronger, and I turned toward the street. That was when I saw a black truck.
I slowed down and stared at it from across the street.
It was parked a lil’ further down near the curb with dark windows, and the longer I looked at it, the harder my heart started beatin’.
It was big, black and clean, exactly the type of shit Renza would drive, and for a second I couldn’t make myself look away.
I swallowed hard and started walkin’ toward it
My heart was poundin’ so hard that I could feel it against my chest, and every step made my palms sweat more. I kept my eyes on the driver’s side ‘cause I could see somebody sittin’ behind the wheel, but I wasn’t close enough to make out who it was yet. I wanted it to be him so bad that it hurt.
By the time I made it across the street, I was holdin’ my purse tighter against my side while I moved toward the truck.
The person inside shifted, and I got close enough to see his face.
It wasn’t Renza…
The man behind the wheel was older, with gray mixed through his beard and glasses sittin’ on his face.
He glanced toward me when I slowed down beside the truck, and I had to blink a few times ‘cause disappointment rushed through me so fast that my eyes started burnin’.
Then I looked away before he could ask me if I needed somethin’.
My hand went straight to my chest while I turned and started walkin’ back toward the sidewalk.
I felt stupid…
I had followed the smell of weed like it was gon’ lead me straight to Renza. I had crossed the street ‘cause a black truck looked like somethin’ he might drive. I was on an island I had never heard of, chasin’ pieces of a man who had no idea I was even here.
I walked until I reached a railin’ near the water and stopped here for a minute. I rested one hand against it while the other stayed over my chest, and I looked out across the water until the tight feelin’ in me eased up some.
My eyes burned again, but I refused to cry. I lowered my head and laughed at myself ‘cause the whole situation was too damn much.
“Bitch, get yo’ shit together,” I whispered.
A breeze moved through again, and for half a second I caught that same smell of weed.
I lifted my head. My eyes moved down the sidewalk where I had just come from, then toward the road and the people walkin’ between the stores.
There was nobody there who looked like Renza, no voice I recognized or a face that made my whole body stop. But somethin’ in me still wouldn’t settle.
I stood here a lil’ longer while I looked down the street.
I ain’t know what I expected to see no more, but I couldn’t make myself leave yet.
Somethin’ had been pullin’ at me ever since I walked out of Salt House, and even after the weed disappeared from the air and that truck turned out to belong to somebody else, the feelin’ stayed with me.
I looked over the people walkin’ along the sidewalk and let my eyes move across the cars passin’ on the street.
Renza could’ve been anywhere in Amiri, but standin’ here, I felt closer to him than I had since I got off the plane.
I couldn’t explain why, and right now, I ain’t really care.
I just pressed my hand against my chest a lil’ harder and kept lookin’ around ‘cause somethin’ in me wasn’t ready to walk away yet.
I still had no clue where Renza was, but for the first time since I landed in Amiri, I ain’t feel like I was nowhere near him.