21. Sha’nelle Harper
Amiri
Bein’ in Amiri for four days wasn’t as bad as I thought it would’ve been.
I came all the way out here with one thing on my mind, and that was findin’ Renza, but somewhere between my first day and now, I had to accept that I might not be able to do that as fast as I wanted to.
Amiri wasn’t no lil’ ass island where I could walk around for a few hours and eventually bump into him. There was people everywhere, different parts of the island, beaches, hotels, houses, restaurants and more places than I could keep count of.
Renza could’ve been ten minutes away from me or clear on the other side of Amiri, and every day that passed without me seein’ him made me realize how hard it was gon’ be to find one person who had no idea I was even lookin’ for him.
That ain’t stop me from tryin’, though. Every mornin’ I got dressed and left my hotel with my purse, my phone and enough money on me to get around for the day.
I had taken so many cabs that I was startin’ to recognize some of the drivers, and I had walked through more parts of Amiri than I ever thought I would.
I went back near Salt House more than once.
I walked along the beach, stopped inside lil’ stores, checked different restaurants and spent time around places where people seemed to hang out.
I had even sat outside longer than I needed to after eatin’ a few times just so I could watch everybody comin’ and goin’.
Every tall man with a beard had me lookin’ twice, and every black truck made my eyes follow it longer than they needed to.
After what happened the other day when I walked up on that truck thinkin’ it might be Renza and saw that older man behind the wheel, I told myself I needed to calm the fuck down.
I couldn’t keep turnin’ every man on this island into Renza just ’cause I wanted to see him that bad. I had been missin’ him for so long that being somewhere I knew he was had my mind all over the place, and every day I woke up with this hope that today would finally be the day I found him.
At the same time, Amiri was beautiful as hell, and I had already spent too much money gettin’ here to lock myself inside a hotel room cryin’ over a man I couldn’t find.
Before this trip, the furthest I had really gone was Trill-Land.
Everything else in my life had been Greystone City, work, home and the same shit I had been seein’ for years.
Comin’ here by myself had been scary at first, but after four days, I was startin’ to understand why people spent money to disappear somewhere pretty for a while.
The weather had been beautiful every day since I got here. The sun was hot without makin’ me feel like I was finna pass the fuck out, and once I got closer to the water, there was always enough breeze to cool me down.
The ocean was so clear in certain spots that I could see my feet through the water when I walked along the edge.
There was palm trees everywhere, music comin’ from different places and food I had never tried before.
Toni sent me some money so I had bought a couple lil’ things to take home, took pictures I probably wasn’t gon’ post and even sat on the beach one afternoon long enough to watch the sun start goin’ down.
For a few hours here and there, I could actually enjoy myself. Then I would see some shit that reminded me why I came.
A man would laugh somewhere behind me and sound a lil’ too deep. Somebody would walk past wearin’ a cologne that made me turn my head. I would smell weed somewhere and find myself lookin’ around before I could stop myself.
Every time it happened, my mind went straight back to Renza, and whatever peace I had managed to find for a few minutes would be gone ‘cause I would start wonderin’ where he was all over again.
Out of everywhere I had been, I kept findin’ myself back on the same strip near the water. There wasn’t some deep reason behind it that I could explain. I just liked it over here.
The restaurants I liked wasn’t far away, the beach was close, and the whole strip stayed busy enough that I could walk around without feelin’ like I was out here by myself.
There was small stands lined along the sidewalk sellin’ drinks, fruit, jewelry and all kinds of shit to tourists. Music played from somewhere almost all day, and people moved back and forth between the beach and the stores until the sidewalks was packed.
It had become the one part of Amiri I knew without havin’ to pull my phone out every five minutes.
By my fourth day, I was there again.
I had been walkin’ around for close to an hour when I stopped at one of the stands sellin’ frozen drinks.
The pictures on the front showed all kinds of flavors, and I stood here for a minute lookin’ over the menu before finally orderin’ some kind of mango and pineapple icee.
The man workin’ the stand started makin’ it while I moved off to the side and looked around.
The strip was crowded as hell this afternoon.
There was couples walkin’ around holdin’ hands and groups of people stoppin’ in the middle of the damn sidewalk like nobody else needed to get through.
A family stood a few feet away from me with two kids beggin’ for somethin’ from another stand, and I smiled a lil’ while listenin’ to ‘em before turnin’ back toward the man makin’ my drink.
That was when I heard a man’s voice come from somewhere behind me.
I couldn’t make out everything he said ‘cause there was too much noise around me, but somethin’ about the sound of it made me turn so fast my purse slipped down my arm.
My eyes moved through the crowd until they landed on a man a lil’ further down the strip.
I only saw the side of him at first. He was tall and built, and he was movin’ through a group of people with his head turned like he was talkin’ to somebody next to him. He literally looked like Renza.
Somebody walked between us before I could get a better look, and I leaned to the side tryna see around them. When the space opened again, I caught another glimpse of him further down.
My whole body went hot. “Renza?”
His name came out low ‘cause I wasn’t even sure if I was talkin’ to him or myself.
The man turned his head enough for me to see part of his face, and my heart started beatin’ so damn hard that everything else around me stopped matterin’.
From where I stood, I couldn’t see him clear enough to swear on anything, but I knew Renza’s size. I knew the way he carried himself when he walked, and I damn sure knew that voice.
I stepped away from the stand without thinkin’ about the drink.
“Miss.”
I kept lookin’ through the crowd and moved another step away.
“Miss, your drink.”
I heard the man behind me, but my mind was somewhere else. The man I was watchin’ disappeared behind another group of people, and I started movin’ toward the sidewalk before the man at the stand called out to me again.
“Miss, you have to pay.”
“Shit.”
I spun back around and damn near snatched my purse open. My hands was shakin’ while I dug through it, and I couldn’t find the cash fast enough. I knew I had some bills in the side pocket, but my fingers kept catchin’ on receipts and shit I ain’t need while I kept lookin’ over my shoulder.
“Hold on. I got it.”
I finally grabbed some cash and handed it to him without even checkin’ what I gave him. He started sayin’ somethin’ about my change, but I grabbed the cup off the counter and told him to keep it before turnin’ back around.
The man was gone…
I stood here lookin’ through everybody like he might pop back out if I stared hard enough.
People kept movin’ in both directions, and every time I saw a black shirt or somebody around Renza’s height, I moved my eyes to them. None of ’em was him.
“Fuck.”
I pushed the straw into the icee without even takin’ a sip and started walkin’ the same direction I had seen him go.
The sidewalk was too damn crowded to move the way I wanted, and people kept gettin’ in front of me. I went around one couple, squeezed between two women standin’ near a jewelry stand and almost walked straight into a man carryin’ a bag from one of the stores.
“Excuse me,” I said quickly before movin’ around him.
My eyes stayed ahead of me. I ain’t even really know what I was lookin’ for no more.
I wanted to see that shirt again, that build, the side of his face or anything that would tell me I wasn’t losin’ my damn mind.
I kept hearin’ that voice in my head, and the more I replayed it, the more sure I became that I had heard Renza.
I had talked to that man too many times.
I had laid beside him, argued with him, laughed with him and listened to him talk for hours about every damn thing.
I knew what Renza sounded like when he was mad, when he was sleepy and when he was talkin’ regular.
There was no way a random man had opened his mouth ten or fifteen feet away from me and made somethin’ inside me react that fast for no reason.
At least that was what I kept tellin’ myself.
I made it further down the strip and stopped near the corner to look around. The crowd thinned out some, but I still ain’t see him.
A few people crossed the street ahead of me, and cars moved slow through traffic while cabs pulled in and out near the curb. I walked another few feet and looked toward the beach ‘cause that was the direction the man seemed to have been headed.
I could feel my nerves gettin’ worse by the second. “What the fuck?”
I stood here holdin’ an icee I had completely forgotten about while tryna figure out what to do.
Part of me wanted to keep walkin’, but I could’ve walked right past him if he had turned down one of the side streets. He could’ve gotten into a car. He could’ve gone inside somewhere. Hell, I could’ve been chasin’ some man who wasn’t Renza at all.
That last thought made me press my lips together.
Four days of lookin’ for somebody could make a bitch see whatever she wanted to see.
I had already walked up to one stranger’s truck ‘cause it reminded me of him. Now I was in the middle of Amiri ready to chase a man through a crowd ‘cause I heard half a sentence and saw the side of somebody’s face.
Still, I couldn’t let it go…
Somethin’ in me kept sayin’ I saw him.
I turned toward the street and noticed a cab parked near the curb with the driver’s window down. The man behind the wheel had a cigarette between his fingers and was lookin’ down at his phone while smoke floated out the window.
I went straight toward him. “Excuse me.”
He looked up at me and lowered his phone.
“You workin’?”
He glanced at the meter before noddin’. “Yeah.”
“I need you to take me…”
I stopped ‘cause I had no damn idea what I was about to say. I looked back toward the strip and pointed even though I knew that probably wasn’t helpin’ shit. “That way. Like toward the beach, but down further.”
The man stared at me like he was waitin’ on me to make some sense.
“There’s more than one beach area.”
“I know. I just…” I looked behind me again, and my heart started poundin’ harder when I thought about losin’ whatever chance I had. “Can you just drive down that way for me? I’m lookin’ for somebody.”
“Which way?”
I opened my purse and pulled out cash before I could think too hard about how crazy I probably looked. I handed him more than enough for a ride and pointed down the street again.
“Please. Just go that way and stay close to the beach. I’ll tell you if I need you to turn.”
He looked at the money and then looked at me before puttin’ his cigarette out.
“Alright. Get in.”
“Thank you.”
I opened the back door and climbed inside so fast I almost dropped my purse. The cab pulled away from the curb, and I immediately moved closer to the window so I could see outside.
Every man on the sidewalk had my attention. I kept lookin’ at people walkin’ near the stores, people crossin’ the street and anybody standin’ near the beach entrances. The driver asked me once if I wanted him to keep goin’ straight, and I told him yes without takin’ my eyes off the window.
My nerves was tore the fuck up. The icee was still in my hand, meltin’ around the straw, and I finally sat it in the cup holder ‘cause I couldn’t hold on to it and my purse while keepin’ my face damn near against the glass.
I kept seein’ that lil’ glimpse of the man in my head from the side of his face to the way he moved and more than anything, that voice.
I leaned back for a second and covered my face with my hands before draggin’ them down slow.
I had been on this island for four days, and I knew I had been thinkin’ about Renza almost every minute since I got here. Maybe I was finally drivin’ myself crazy. Maybe I wanted to find him so bad that my mind had started fillin’ in whatever I couldn’t see clear enough.
Then that voice played through my head again, and I sat forward.
“Nah,” I whispered.
The driver looked at me through the mirror, but I ain’t explain myself.
I turned back toward the window and watched the island pass by while my stomach stayed twisted in a knot.
If that really was Renza, I had been standin’ close enough to hear him talk. After all them flights, all that money, all these days ridin’ around Amiri with no clue where to even start, I might’ve finally been close enough to reach out and touch the man I came all this way for.
I just needed one more look…
That was all I needed…
If I could see his face clear, I would know…
I leaned closer to the window again as the cab moved toward the beach, and my eyes went over every person we passed. I ain’t care how crazy I looked no more ‘cause somethin’ in my gut would not let me brush off what just happened.
I knew Renza’s voice…
I knew that man…
And unless four days in Amiri had finally made me lose my damn mind, I could’ve sworn I had just seen him…