Chapter 72 Jace
JACE
Iam not a person of faith.
Trusting in something greater than you, believing that everything happens for a reason—that all the terrible things in life are somehow justified, and that in the end our pain and suffering is rewarded…
That requires hope.
Which is something I simply do not have.
I never did.
I take that back—I did have it. For a little while.
I didn’t even realize how empty my life was until she burst into the frame like a dying star, lighting up a dark void. I saw that light, and I held on as tight as I could for as long as I could.
But it wasn’t enough. You can’t contain a fire. You can’t hold it in your hands without getting burned.
And that’s exactly what I tried to do.
Now that light will burn for someone else. And that will haunt me until my dying day.
Every possibility of us is dashed because I couldn’t speak up sooner. Because I couldn’t stand up for what I wanted. Because I simply was not strong enough.
A warrior and a coward.
A death machine and a scared little boy.
It’s time to grow up. I just wish I knew what that meant.*
The sound of soft footsteps interrupts my train of thought.
I turn toward the back of the empty chapel, all decorated for the wedding.
Sorscha stands in the doorway, framed by golden candlelight.
Her startled gaze lands on me, and she hesitates—as if deciding whether or not to run in the opposite direction.
But she moves closer, looking at me with the sweet amber eyes of a doe, and slips into the pew beside me.
A twinge of guilt nips at me. I open my mouth and then close it.
What can I say to her?
What can I say to somehow bridge the divide? To reach around the person who stands between us, whose presence is felt even when she’s not in the room. For all of Sorscha’s innocence—her naivete and optimism—she isn’t stupid.
She knows. Everyone knows, I’m beginning to realize.
“Pink.”
“I’m sorry?”
“Pink. It’s my favorite color.” She stares straight ahead, toward the rows of lit candles on the altar. Warm colors dance across her face, mingling with the blue-gray moonlight seeping through the glass dome overhead.
“Hydrangeas are my favorite flower. I hate the rain, but love the snow. I prefer sleeping late and staying up until morning. I find tournaments awfully dull. I love silk. Silk dresses, silk sheets, silk everything. And warm sun on my face. And I think ale is the most detestable thing I’ve ever tasted. ”
She turns to face me.
“We don’t know each other, Jace. I mean, we do, we have for ages, and yet…I only know you from arm’s length. I know your respect, your manners, your chivalry. But I do not know you. What you like…what makes you truly laugh or smile…what you hate. And I’ve never known how you felt.”
“Sorscha, I’m sorry.”
“What do you have to be sorry for? We’re merely two people who have found themselves in the middle of a political predicament.”
“I’m sorry because I want to be a better male. For you, for our future.”
It’s the truth. The only truth I can give her that isn’t wrapped in thorns. I want to give this perfect person everything she deserves. I want to be a good and faithful husband and a strong king.
But I’m not a better male. I’m not good, and I can’t be what she deserves. Not when my heart is wrecked for another.
Her brows knit together as she studies me. “Please don’t pretend for my sake.”
“I’m not pretending.” I take her hands, staring at the smooth skin, and the absurd diamond on her finger. “I do want you to be happy. I want you to get everything you deserve.”
“But you can’t give it to me. And we both know it.”
I shake my head, frustrated with the way my words are coming out. “Listen, I’ve never been…good at expressing myself. What I’m trying to say is—I’m trying.”
She gives me a sad, sympathetic smile. “If someone has to try that hard to want me, then maybe it isn’t worth trying at all.”
She withdraws her hands. “This doesn’t have to be misery for us. It’s possible for us both to be happy as long as we fulfill our duties and keep up appearances. We can lead separate lives.”
“That isn’t what I want. I just wish—”
“What? That you didn’t love her? Would that make it easier to be married to someone you don’t want?”
“It isn’t like that. You are—you’re perfect.”
“But I’m not perfect for you.” Her gaze falls to the floor. “It’s my fault for reading into something that was never there.”
“It was there, believe me it was—”
“Until Serena came,” she finishes, shaking her head at me like I’m a fool.
I am. I hang my head guiltily, at a loss for words. “I didn’t mean for this to happen. Please understand that.”
“I do, Jace. At least, I’m trying to.” A sad expression mars her beautiful face. “Who wouldn’t take one look at her and fall in love?”
We stare at each other for a prolonged moment. I don’t know what I can say or do to make this any better. Before I can answer my own question, the princess stands and ducks out of the pew.
“Sorscha—” My voice halts her stride. “In two days, I’ll be yours. And I won’t look back. I won’t betray you. I won’t hurt you. I’m sorry if I already did, but I will do my best every single day. I will put in the work, I—”
I will put her out of my mind forever. Even if it consumes me. For you and for Derek.
“I will do better.”
She leans in and plants a kiss on my cheek. When she pulls back, her lip trembles almost imperceptibly, and she offers me a sad excuse for a smile.
“I know you’ll try.”
* Cue: Glimpse of Us by Joji